by Kathleen Choe | Sep 22, 2020 | Applied Principles
Our current world is confusing, conflicted, and chaotic, to say the least. Images of peaceful protests marred by violence, looting, and clashes with police, continued uncertainty about the true nature and dangers of COVID, economic worries, and a myriad of other accompanying concerns have left us exhausted, overwhelmed, and emotionally devastated. We are feeling the collective strain of too many traumatic stressors coming at once, exceeding our window of tolerance and capacity to cope with our existing strategies.
In the absence of clear leadership and guidance on how to respond to these crises, many of us are experiencing the phenomenon therapists refer to as “regression,” or the emergence of the inner child we all carry within us. Even an essentially stable, relatively healthy childhood involves numerous hurts and rejections common to growing up (think: middle school) and leaves us with some wounded younger parts that we carry into adulthood. Childhood trauma can leave us with younger parts that are literally frozen in pain and fear. These tender selves are activated during times when our adult selves feel helpless, hopeless, confused, insecure, or lost.
They essentially need to be “re-parented” with acceptance, kindness, grace, and patience and integrated into our adult self through this healing process. This happens in the context of healthy, predictable, safe, connected relationships with others, where younger parts are assured they will not be abandoned or abused as they were in the past.
New neural pathways for security and trust are built when we experience a different and positive outcome in a relational context, such as being understood and accepted instead of shamed and rejected when we share a struggle or hurt with another person. Relational safety allows our younger parts to heal and “grow up” into psychological maturity. An important element of the therapeutic process is creating a safe and stable alliance between the therapist and client (and horse in EAP) so that these wounded parts can progress through the developmental stages that were missed due to the survival strategies we get stuck in when growing up in unsafe environments.
The “life jackets” we don in childhood can become the “straitjackets” of our adulthood.
If you are struggling with feeling lost about what to say or how to feel or act in the current polarized climate, try to notice that feeling without judging, minimizing, avoiding, or acting on it. Make some space for the discomfort, the uncertainty, the distress. Notice if any of these feelings connect with territory familiar to your childhood, to see if your younger parts are being triggered.
Our deepest desire is to be fully known and fully accepted, and our greatest fear is that if we are fully known, we will not be accepted. We all have “shadow sides” that we are afraid to acknowledge. Many of us struggle to give voice to our wounded younger parts. I struggle alongside you to find the right way forward during these confusing times. No matter what the color of our skin, the same heart beats underneath. We all need to be accepted, valued, and loved.
To learn more about Inner Child Work sign up for our conference Interconnected 2020 and attend the following workshops:
Regression and the Inner Child
Equine Connected Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EC-EMDR) and Inner Child Work
The Journey into Self-Leadership: Integrating the Internal Family Systems Model (IFS) with Equine Assisted Practice Parts 1-3
Guided Inner Child Meditation
by Bettina Shultz-Jobe, LPC, NBCC | Aug 25, 2020 | Applied Principles
By Bettina Shultz-Jobe and Kate Naylor
We at The Natural Lifemanship Institute believe deeply in the power of relationships and the need for felt safety in order for humans (and other animals) to flourish, and we also understand well the devastating impact of traumas, old and new.
Our country is in turmoil right now. The coronavirus is affecting everyone in varying ways; everywhere you look the pain is evident. However, that isn’t the only unrest people are experiencing in our country – there are also powerful and growing civil rights movements happening all over, in response to generations of trauma experienced in the black, indigenous, and people of color communities.
As a largely white organization, we have been watching closely, listening carefully, and reflecting deeply.
In order for us to do meaningful work on the subject of racism and antiracism we know we have to move beyond predominantly cognitive approaches and dig deeper into subjects like implicit bias, the neurobiology of “othering”, cultural somatics, felt safety, and more.
We believe experiential education on these topics is the role NL can play in dismantling oppression, hate, and divisiveness in our communities. Planning this sort of work takes time. We hope that our actions will speak loudly as we develop meaningful and transformational learning opportunities for all of us in the coming months and years. We hope you will join us.
Here is our first endeavor – A Three-Part Webinar Series: Embodied Conversations about Racism and Antiracism with Vanessa Timmons and Bonnie Badenoch
Or join the conversation at our virtual conference Interconnected 2020 where connection and compassion drive all we do!
In the meantime, we have prepared a series of blogs to begin the top-down process of understanding, that will set the stage for the bottom-up work to come. . .
So what do chickens have to do with it?
Years ago my husband and I purchased the sweet little chickens you see in this picture at the top of this blog. It was the first time we had purchased dark and light chickens. This picture was taken after dusk in the chicken coop when I realized that our chickens were, predictably, segregating by color each evening.
Just in case you don’t classify as a crazy chicken lady like I do, let me tell you a bit about chickens. They go into the coop each evening around dusk on their own. We don’t need to put them in there. Female chickens, hens, tend to flee to keep themselves safe. Like many animals, the survival and movement (brainstem and diencephalon) regions of their brains are quite developed, and the thinking and reasoning parts (neocortex) of their brains are very underdeveloped. They flee to the safety of their coop each evening due to instinct. Hens also tend to be quite submissive when they feel they can’t flee. They do this little squatty thing and then they freeze. They are prey animals that are at the bottom of the food chain, and their flight and freeze responses are pretty strong.
SO. . . when we first brought these little girls home they immediately began to do what their survival brains told them to do – organize for safety through establishing a pecking order. The lowest survival regions of our human brains (and my chickens’ brains) are wired to identify threat, this includes the perceived threat when someone is different from us. This is designed to keep us safe.
Our oldest and deepest survival responses push us to seek out group members who are similar to us so that we belong and blend in. Our brain scans the environment and others over and over, looking for anomalies. It is an over-simplistic yet effective function when we consider physical safety. If we see what we expect to see, our brains and bodies can rest. If we see something unexpected, we have to evaluate it, which requires extra energy and takes more time.
The 4 dark chickens immediately became their own little flock and the light chickens became their own little flock. They began to segregate and be quite nasty and aggressive to each other – literally pecking at members of the other flock. What is even more interesting is that when we bought these chickens they were already living in the same pen – they were not strangers to each other. Non-rational survival impulses kept telling them that they needed to organize by ‘same’ and ‘other’. These behaviors were merely survival functions arising from the lowest, most primitive regions of the brain.
However, within about a month they stopped segregating, which made me wonder…what had changed?
What I realized upon reflection was that they had begun to ease into their new environment. They knew where to find food and water, and there was never a shortage. They had plenty of space to move and explore. Quite simply, there wasn’t a shortage of resources.
They also began to understand, in a very predictable manner, what the humans in their life would do and began to build a relationship that would engage higher regions of the brain.
At the Jobe household, we strive to not expect or reinforce submissive behaviors with our chickens (or anybody else really) or do things that encourage our chickens to flee or freeze. For example, when I walk close to a chicken and it does that submissive squatty thing I simply stay exactly where I am, while breathing and regulating, until the chicken stands up and relaxes and then I move on.
The need to submit and appease keeps all animals, including humans, in the lower, survival regions of the brain. A shortage of resources does the same. Unpredictability in the environment, in general, does the same.
I believe the chickens no longer felt the need to segregate and be aggressive to each other because they began to feel safe. . . or at least safer.
The more safety they felt the less clear their hierarchy became and one night I realized that they were no longer segregating in the chicken coop. We also noticed that during the day they interacted more peacefully.
What I take away from observing my chickens:
- Segregation and aggression were not cognitive experiences – they were not a conscious choice. It was the result of animals in the survival parts of their brain. Segregation was a somatic experience.
- Unity was not a cognitive experience. When the survival parts of the brain began to feel safe, the divisive and aggressive behaviors subsided. Period. Unity was a somatic experience.
- Racist behaviors happened in the most lower regions of the brain and were healed in the most lower regions of the brain. Racism is a somatic experience.
When I say segregation was not a “cognitive experience” I mean that I don’t think the chickens had belief systems that were driving their behaviors. Therefore, cognitive therapy would not have been effective with my chickens. Cognitive therapies operate on the premise that what we think or believe influences our emotions which, in turn, influences our behaviors. Therefore, a basic tenet of cognitive work is that we must first change our thoughts or beliefs to change our feelings so we can behave differently. This is a top-down approach. We first address what is happening in the most upper regions of the brain (the neocortex) and move down.
It seems to me that much of the racial justice movement is operating off of this same premise. . . If we can just get people to change their beliefs and their thoughts, their behaviors will change. I do think this is a starting point, but in my personal experience, this is only a bandaid. Let’s discuss what I think happened for my chickens and what I think is a powerful alternative to cognitive work.
What we know about the chickens is that their neocortex (the area of the brain responsible for thoughts) is very underdeveloped. The parts of the brain responsible for body sensations, survival functions, and movement are highly developed. My chickens were engaging in racist behaviors from the lower regions of their brain, and it was somatic work that was effective. From a brain perspective, somatic therapies are exactly the opposite of cognitive therapies. A basic premise is that what we sense in our bodies, affects how we feel (our emotions), which influences our beliefs and thoughts. So, if you want to change a belief, you must first address the body sensations which are only addressed first through safety, given that body sensations are located in the parts of the brain responsible for primitive, reflexive, fast survival responses.
Aggression, “othering” and hierarchies became practically non-existent when the chickens felt safe – when repeated experiences of body sensations told them they could relax and trust.
Now, I realize humans aren’t chickens, but a brain is built similarly in any species – bottom to top and inside out – with survival existing in the deepest regions and reasoning and thought existing in the highest regions, with relational connections nested in the middle. All brains use body sensations to inform those survival regions, which then send messages to the uppermost regions. This means what gets built into our survival regions – both through biology and experience – will affect the uppermost regions (where our thoughts and reasoning exist).
This means a sense of threat in our bodies will motivate us to make more aggressive, divisive, and hierarchical choices…whether we are aware of it or not.
Can divisiveness and aggression also be “trained” into our cognitive awareness and lead to specific choices? Yes, of course. We unconsciously learn what feels safe and what doesn’t from our repeated experiences in relationships with others. Our caregivers, our families, and our communities tell us what is safe and what isn’t. As we grow, these implicit biases can become explicit and more conscious. For most of us though, that is not the case. Most of us fall into divisiveness unconsciously when our bodies or communities tell us we are not safe, and the choices we make then are based on the deep-seated implicit biases that are woven into the lowest regions of our brain. Therefore, it is not just our individual body that needs healing, it is the collective body of our families and our communities, as well.
We ALL have implicit biases built into us – no one is exempt from this.
Research tells us that babies start to distinguish between skin tone and prefer familiar faces/skin tones as early as 3 months old. It is something that has been built into the deepest parts of our brains and bodies from the beginning. In the moments we feel unsafe, our deepest survival instincts take over, including our implicit biases. In order for us to be able to overcome these implicit biases, we must focus on helping our bodies feel safe.
We are called to bring our implicit biases into our awareness so they no longer motivate our actions and choices unconsciously.
For this, we need more moments of felt safety when our bodies can relax and trust – so that we may move more and more into a loving, connected relationship with ourselves and others. The beauty of the human brain is that we can consciously choose to practice feeling safer in our bodies – while others will affect us, we can also give ourselves the gift of felt safety. Our felt safety ripples out into co-regulation and felt safety for others, and ripples back to us as safety from the community. We feed the community and it feeds us.
At Natural Lifemanship, we have a powerful lineup of opportunities to explore our own somatic experiences as they relate to bias – we aspire to cultivate a safe and supportive format in the hopes that you will join us on this journey.
Sign up for our upcoming Webinar Series: Embodied Conversations about Racism and Antiracism with Vanessa Timmons and Bonnie Badenoch
Or join the conversation at our virtual conference Interconnected 2020 where we will dig deeper into subjects like implicit bias, the neurobiology of “othering”, cultural somatics, and felt safety! PLUS 15 other categories!
by Kate Naylor | Jun 4, 2020 | Applied Principles
Kate Naylor is an LMFT, wife, mother, daughter, sister, and the NL Director of Trainer Development and Community Engagement. This is her first letter to you, our community of helpers, healers, and all-around world changers. . .
As I sit at my computer to write to you all directly for the first time, what I want to say is “We are living in troubled times”, and yet, as I move more deeply into reflection I recognize that for many people of color in our country, times have always been troubled.
It is, in fact, a significant privilege that I am only more recently feeling the trouble that has always existed in our history. I feel guilt, but more importantly, I feel a pull to be different.
Today it feels necessary, in our community of trauma-informed people, that we take a look at the concept of intergenerational trauma.
Toxic Stress & Intergenerational Trauma
Often in our work at The Natural Lifemanship Institute, we discuss the impact of toxic stress on a developing fetus, infant, child, adolescent, and adult. Implied in this is that toxic stress on a mother is equally damaging because of her influence on a developing child.
What we also know, through the science of epigenetics, is that toxic and chronic stress on a mother’s mother, and her mother, and the family and community that surrounds her, for generations back, has an impact on how a growing brain and body develop.
Most of us believe in an interconnectedness in our lives to some degree – we are clearly having an impact on the people we interact with daily – this is, in fact, a major tenet of trauma-informed care (relationship is the vehicle for change…both positive and negative change).
What can be harder for some of us to believe is that we have an impact on people and creatures that we don’t have a daily interaction with, and they impact us as well. However, I think the presence of COVID fairly soundly demonstrates that our impact on unseen others is in fact, true.
What is harder still to grasp, is that the cultures, the values, the environments, and the institutions that surround us also impact our development and the development of generations to come. Our ancestors affect us and we affect our future ancestors.
Interconnectedness
Many of us struggle to believe what we cannot see with the naked eye – yet our interconnectedness is visible if you seek it.
The science of epigenetics has shown us that trauma survivors, like those who have survived the Holocaust or a period of famine, have changes all the way down to the way proteins are expressed in their DNA as a result of their trauma, and these cellular changes can be seen for at least three generations.
Grandchildren and great-grandchildren of trauma survivors show similar trauma at the cellular level. The biological impact is astounding. But, of course, what is in the genes shows up in the brain and the body, which influences how we relate, thereby influencing our culture.
Brene Brown defines culture as “The way we do things around here.” Our genes, our brains, and our bodies influence “the way we do things around here.” What affects us on a cellular level affects everything. What affects just one of us affects us all.
How Trauma Impacts the Brain & Body
What do we know about how trauma impacts the brain and body? You know quite a bit if you’ve followed NL for very long. Trauma puts a brain into chronic survival mode – survival mode is reactive, it is fear turned to fight, flight, freeze, and fawn.
By definition, survival mode is “me” thinking, not “we” thinking. And when trauma is passed down through the generations, through our DNA and culture, we, the oppressed and the oppressors, begin to forget that there ever was another way. Three, four, five generations later – how could we know that what we know is based on trauma?
Building New Neural Pathways
What I see happening in race relations through our history, rising to a peak over and over including right now, is trauma re-lived. I speak of the oppressors, I speak of the oppressed. Cultures of hate, cultures of fear…it all boils into anger, and it is so old we’ve forgotten that at one time it was learned. We are ALL experiencing versions of this. BUT…remember the resounding hope of our incredible brains??? They are changeable!
We have the power to control ourselves, to build new neural pathways that can end cycles of hate, of fear, of violence…of trauma. It takes intention and practice, so much practice. But it is possible.
The astonishing community of The Natural Lifemanship Institute – YOU healers and helpers and guides – have the tools to change yourselves, and then support others in their change.
Information, Intention, Action
I believe change begins with information, then intention, then action…with the proper support along the way – and change in a community begins with us. We want to offer a place for learning, for intention setting, for moving into action, and for rest. Below you will find upcoming opportunities for learning and listening, as well as online resources that are always available to those who want to choose a new way forward.
We love our NL community, we trust that each and every one of you are doing your best each and every day. AND we know that we can continue to grow and stretch ourselves when we are called to do so.
We will be growing and stretching right alongside you.
Educational Resources & Trainings
Webinar with Elizabeth McCorvey, LCSW: June 15, 1pm central
Elizabeth leads trainings to demystify and remove the shame that many non-black/POC therapists feel when confronted with issues related to race and equity. Elizabeth is an EAP/L practitioner in North Carolina, this webinar is presented in partnership with Shannon Knapp (an NL Trainer) and Horse Sense of the Carolinas. Must register to attend!
The Legacy of Trauma
An emerging line of research is exploring how historical and cultural traumas affect survivors’ children for generations to come.
Free Webinar: Race and Development with Melanie Chung Sherman, LCSW
Learn how to talk about the impacts of race and racial awareness in relation to social and emotional development, an important way to help positively guide children from every background.
Presentation from Dr. Joy DeGruy on the topic of Multigenerational Trauma for African Americans
What is Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome and how is it still impacting lives today?
My Grandmother’s Hands
A self-discovery book to examine racialized trauma in America from the perspective of body-centered psychology
Cracking the Codes: A Story About a Trip to the Grocery Store
Stop Hesitating: A Resource for Psychotherapists and Counselors
by Kate Naylor | Apr 6, 2020 | Applied Principles, Basics of Natural Lifemanship, Personal Growth
By Kate Naylor and Bettina Shultz-Jobe
In times of great grief, anxiety, stress, or fear why does it seem like words are unnecessary or even hurtful? We are verbal creatures, we have a great love for language. Just take a look at the astonishing collection of great written works we have accumulated – literature, poetry, lyrics, storytelling, and more. Words have given us new ideas, new frontiers, and abilities we never could have achieved before.
And yet, there are significant moments in our lives when words are insufficient, even counterproductive. Why is that?
Although we are a highly verbal species, we are not only a verbal species. We are an embodied species as well. We need so much more than words in order to truly feel seen by others, in order to truly be seen by our own selves. Our minds are an incredible gift, and yet they would be nothing without our bodies. Our minds know things, because of our bodies. The two together are what make us human.
So how do we care for our whole selves during this pandemic, a time of collective trauma?
As Larry McDaniel, an NL certification student and executive director and founder of Coyote Hill in Missouri, so beautifully states – words can only do so much, and then there is everything else.
Our brains and bodies begin forming in the womb, cells divide in an extraordinary choreographed dance that transforms these cells into a tiny body. This tiny body continues the dance of expansion and contraction – flexion and extension – reaching out and pulling in – in order to continue the development so needed for life outside the warm waters of their mother’s womb. What does this tiny body experience as it grows? The rhythmic whoosh of flowing blood and water, the bump bump bump of a heartbeat, the changes in gravity that come with the movement of the world around them as they are suspended in liquid. This is passive sensory input – sounds and sensations that a tiny body does not produce for themself, but receives freely. This is the foundation of brain and body development we all experience in some form – for some it is rhythmic, calm and nurturing, for others it is not, and still others it is something in between. But no matter what kind of womb experience, it is where we all begin.
Built upon this foundation are the movements this tiny body produces as they grow and stretch in the womb, and after in the world. These movements continue to develop the brain. Being held, pushing up, holding oneself, reaching out, grasping an object, and coming back to self again are all a part of our development – each one of us having individual experiences along the way. Built upon these movements are the relationships and meanings and memories that are created as this tiny body becomes a relational body as well. Who loves us? Who doesn’t? What does love and caring feel like? Is the world safe? We ask these questions and grow from the answers.
This development all begins in the womb, and continues after birth and on into a child’s life. This is how it is for all of us. Only lastly, do the words and thoughts come, when we are babies and young children, and on into adulthood.
The question of why words may not be sufficient during this time is important, and also clear once you understand where we come from. Words are insufficient because we are so much more than words. We are built, piece by piece, moment by moment, into the people we are today by our environment, our bodies, our relationships, our memories…as well as our thoughts and words.
So what can we do? As Larry says, we need music, and nature, and laughter and love – we need not just words but the other rhythms our whole selves are craving as well. In a more scientific sense, we need passive regulation from rhythm in our environment – music, nature (the sights, sounds, smells, and textures), sleep, food and drink, the warmth of other living beings, and a home environment that feels as predictable and soothing as possible (whether that be through routines, rituals, fabrics, light, sounds, smells, or all of the above). We need regulation for our sensory-motor (sensorimotor) circuits – we need to move in response to that passive sensory input we are receiving all the time. We need to sway to the wind in the trees. We need to dance to the songs that stir something within us. We need to cuddle into a soft blanket and withdraw from textures we dislike. We need to walk, run, and use our balance. Quite simply, our bodies need regular movement throughout the day to feel well – indoors or out, stimulating and soothing both. We need limbic stimulation and regulation through relationships and connection – with those in our home, with those we see through a video, with those we can hear on the phone. Being seen and heard, feeling loved and cared for, and doing the same for others…is necessary.
Words are beautiful and inspiring, AND we need so much more than words to feel human.
This is why Natural Lifemanship seeks to support YOU – our students, members, and anyone else who wants to join our amazing community – with rhythm and relationship during this time. It is our desire to support you in the most primitive of ways because our developmental foundations are all the same – our bodies, minds, and souls need rhythm, movement, and relationship to heal and grow.
Join us on FB live every Sunday at 5:30 p.m. CDT to build resilience as we connect across the globe through rhythm and movement.
Join us in small groups to build resilience through meditation.
Check out the most recent ways we are offering personal (and professional) support to YOU!
Sign up for our email list to receive weekly updates about available support during these difficult and uncertain times. NL is releasing new offerings each week! Feel free to tell us what you need – we are listening!
by Kate Naylor | Mar 30, 2020 | Applied Principles, Personal Growth
By Bettina Shultz-Jobe and Kate Naylor
We, at Natural Lifemanship, are seeing so many memes and posts encouraging people to take advantage of this dramatic change of current life – to see the meaning in it, to relish it, to consider it a gift. While this is certainly not easy, many can find these sentimental reframes encouraging and inspiring, and through mindful practice can find a sense of calm about having nowhere to be besides at home with a partner, spouse, or children. These feelings can win out over bouts of fear and anxiety. This is a good thing. That said, to experience the pandemic this way is a complete and total privilege – it is, indeed, a gift.
Make no mistake, what is happening in our country and across the globe right now is trauma for all of us. How we support each other through this will make a difference in how traumatizing this year will be for us and those around us, certainly. But there are some (many, in fact) who are not encouraged by said memes. Many will not be able to make rent April 1st. Many can no longer afford to feed their children. A record 3.3 million Americans applied for unemployment just last week. Many are terribly ill and unable to get adequate medical care. Many are experiencing toxic and chronic stress because their survival is in question. To these people, the pandemic is not about leaning into a slower, simpler life. To many, what has happened so quickly in our country, is, in no way, a gift.
Here’s the thing, whether you are in the very privileged category, the category devastated by the fallout, or somewhere in between, this is trauma. We all owe it to ourselves to acknowledge it, at the very least, because minimizing the profound effect this is having on us all, will only make it that much harder for us to truly seek the connection needed to collectively heal.
Our simplest definition of trauma is when the things we sense (see, hear, taste, smell, touch, feel) are unpredictable or arrhythmic. A trauma (or traumatic situation) becomes traumatizing when our bodies and brains adapt to tolerate the arrhythmia in our world – this is what it means to embody the trauma. The more powerless, alone, and responsible we feel, the greater the survival concern, the more likely it is that a trauma becomes traumatizing. In short, trauma has the power to change us, but what is traumatizing to one person may not be to another.
We often think of war veterans and PTSD when we think of trauma, but trauma can result from many aspects of life. Financial uncertainty, housing and food insecurity, dramatic relationship changes, chronic stress, and like now, natural disasters, can all be potentially traumatizing. Changes often look like heightened vigilance with increased anxiety, or the opposite, increased dissociation with a sense of “checking out” too often. These changes affect our ability to function well in daily life – we are so anxious or checked out that we are unable to do things considered “typical”. We all have different thresholds for how much trauma changes us; our thresholds are influenced by how healthy things were before the trauma – our genetics, our intrauterine experience, our childhoods, etc.
The good news here is that we can do things to build resilience to trauma and we can heal from trauma. In this pandemic specifically, we know the trauma is happening and so we can take action now and throughout, to support ourselves and each other. Many will be able to experience this time as a period of growth and transformation. Nevertheless, it is safe to say no one will come out of the pandemic unchanged – but how much we change will vary greatly, based on how hard our history has been and how severe our current circumstances are during this time. Some of us will spend more time at home, get creative about work and child-rearing, and perhaps learn to live with a little less. But some of us will lose businesses, livelihoods, even homes. Some of us will experience significant health issues and perhaps even deaths. Many families will experience abuse and neglect. All of us will experience grief. What makes the same event hard for one person and devastating for another is complicated – It is vital that we acknowledge both are happening. Our realities of this pandemic should not disappear in a sea of “silver linings”.
Some of us need to remember, without shame, that to be home and well with family, is a privilege. To be able to work from home and care for children, is a privilege. To have a partner, and to have them also be able to work from home, is a privilege. To be able to buy food, even in fits and starts, is a privilege. For our children to feel safe at home is a privilege. To be able to make the mortgage payment despite work adjustments and financial shifts, is a privilege. To be well, not in need of emergency medical care, not in need of hospitalization, is just good luck. To those who experience so much privilege, it is your job (at the very least) to hold space for those who don’t. To remember, to do what you can to help, to acknowledge and speak up.
So what can we do, individually and collectively? It is tempting to avoid this question because of the deep sense of powerlessness it can bring. Our stomachs drop, throats clench, and we become buried in scary news about the realities we are facing and then feel completely overwhelmed. This is us experiencing the beginnings of trauma – our body and brain are experiencing fear and powerlessness. If we continue on this path, our brain and body will begin to habituate to these sensations and feelings until they become the new normal. Fear and overwhelm will no longer be a state we are in, but a trait we carry with us always (this is what it means to embody trauma).
We need to pause. Put down the news. Move our bodies and breathe deeply. Look or go outside and notice the movement of the trees and the way the light slants across the ground. Remind our brains and bodies that we are safe, at least, in this moment. When our body begins to relax, our higher self emerges again and we remember that there are things we can do. We can notice others in their struggle, we can listen, we can care, we can connect. Some of us can donate money. Some of us can give of our time – to make something, to support someone, to give something away, to learn more about what others are doing to help and join in. In this way, we feel empowered in the face of fear. We can move through this time and not be traumatized. We will be changed, but we don’t have to be traumatized. Not everyone will be so lucky, but we can build a place in our heart to remember that.
Even though we are separated into our homes, we are not separate. Connection can happen at any distance, but it does take practice. We can be stronger after this – but for that to be true, those of us lucky enough to feel empowered owe those of us who don’t. For that to be true, we must come together in community. We must move together. Sing together. Dance together. Those of us who are stronger must set the pulse – set the rhythm. We must bring those struggling among us into our rhythm and our fold. This is why NL is offering so many community activities online during this time of global trauma. We need each other. Join us. Join us as we seek to find rhythm together. Join us if you are strong – we need you. Join us if you are in need – we’ll carry you. Join us if you believe that trauma has the power to connect us all and make us stronger.
Check out the many ways that NL is here to support YOU (at no cost) during this time!
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by Bettina Shultz-Jobe, LPC, NBCC | Mar 21, 2020 | Applied Principles, Parenting and Counseling Children
Currently, many of us parents are taking the meaning of “work/family balance” to an entirely new level. Our children (and maybe spouses) are home and we are searching for innovative ways to continue to support our clients and pay our own bills. Additionally, we are part of a global crisis that affects us all in various ways. Anxiety is high and there are no easy answers – this is messy!
Literally and figuratively – seriously, earlier today our five-year-old was sitting on top of a mound of laundry playing ABC mouse. I started to tell him to get OFF of the CLEAN LAUNDRY, but then it occurred to me that there was nowhere else to sit. Our laundry has simply taken on a life of its own around here! I just took a deep breath and headed into our bedroom for our weekly, virtual staff meeting.
Deep, deep sigh.
Connection first, last, and always
Each day this week I have been reminded of something that has saved us time and time again in the Jobe family. We so strive to be the kind of family that engages in calm connection. Connection before correction. Relationship and connection before and above all else. . . AND we’re human.
Shoot! I am just so darn imperfect – just ask those closest to me. I’m passionate. I’m direct. I’m sometimes loud. I sometimes struggle with anxiety. I can be controlling at times, and I hope that someday my children will use the words “fierce love” to describe me. As a recovering perfectionist connection not perfection is my mantra.
A commitment to repair has kept our loving family intact. We regularly practice something we call do-overs – the opportunity to make repair in our relationships. The opportunity to practice doing the right thing. I hope to breathe a bit of life into what we mean by do-overs with this personal story.
To read more about do-overs read this blog by Reccia Jobe with Pecan Creek Ranch. Do-overs: Building new pathways in the brain by intentionally practicing something different
Do-overs in action
A few weeks ago we had a small Super Bowl party at our house after a long day of teaching one of our Fundamentals Trainings. This means. . . I had just spent two days teaching about regulation and connection and healthy relationships . . . Then I went home. . . and started preparing dinner with our guests.
Within about 15 minutes of my return home, while my back was turned and I was chopping an onion (or something) I heard my 5-year-old scream. The shrill scream of a child in pain. I felt fear and the action I took was reflexive. I experienced the kind of fear that is cued by something in the environment – my child’s scream and the realization that he was stuck in a kitchen pot (YET AGAIN! He and his sister had been stuck in said pot several times over the last week) and in pain as one of our guests tried to pull him out!
This fear caused a rush of adrenaline with increased heart rate and respiration as my body naturally and immediately prepared for flight or fight. (Here you can visit a great blog about the difference between fear, anxiety, and panic and what we can do.) I did both flight and fight.
I reflexively ran to my son, grabbed him by the shoulders, and screamed “I have told you to quit putting your body in this pot,” and then I safely picked up his folded body and gently shook it until the pot fell off. He was, indeed, physically safe, but I had greatly compromised his emotional safety – I had done damage to our relationship.
With wide eyes, he ran to his room immediately and then started crying. At first, I went back to cutting an onion (or something) and then I felt an unconscious breath come into my body followed by a huge wave of guilt. When I went into Cooper’s room he was crying. I sat down on the bed next to him and asked if he wanted to tell me what he was sad about. He said, “You scared me (then there was a pause) and embarrassed me too.”
I looked into his tear-filled eyes, put my arms around his little 5-year-old body, and said, “Oh sweetie, of course you were. I got really scared and then I yelled really loud. . . and I did that in front of our guests.”
He interrupted me and said quite pragmatically, “Yes Mom you were out of self-control.”
I inwardly chuckled just a bit (Because telling me that I’m out of “self-control” is kinda cute, right?) and suggested a do-over. I said, “You are right. I was out of self-control. Do you think we could have a do-over?”
He happily agreed to this – he’s done plenty of do-overs himself, so he was thrilled for this one to be on me.
We went to the kitchen and I apologized to our guests and explained that Cooper and I needed to have a do-over. I went back to the counter and pretended to cut something. Cooper got in the pot (partially) and screamed in pain. I went to him quickly, but this time I gently grabbed his shoulders and I said with warmth, kindness, and assertiveness, “Cooper please keep your body safe. I don’t want you to get hurt because I love you so much. This is why I have asked you to stop putting your body in this pot.”
I had a second before this interaction to think about how to best have a boundary and, in this case, kindly set one. I try very hard to request what I want – in this case, for Cooper to keep his body safe – instead of focusing on what I don’t want – for him to stop putting his body in this darn pot! Here’s a blog on this subject.
I then gave him a little kiss on the cheek and helped him out. We had a quick discussion to review why it’s important that Cooper keep his body safe, and he made a commitment to never get in the pot again. (By the way, it hasn’t happened since. Fingers crossed!). We then continued with our little party.
Repair is more than an apology
Repair has to be experienced. We need to practice doing the right thing. Practice does not make perfect, but it is required for improvement and growth. We have to try. We have to show up. We have to be willing to make mistakes.
AND we have to learn to revel in the repair. Embrace it.
In NL, this is what we mean by creating brave spaces. (A lovely blog written by Rebecca Hubbard and Reccia Jobe with Pecan Creek Ranch)
Repair requires practice
Maybe while we’re at home during this time we can commit to practicing repair – there simply isn’t a shortage of opportunity for most of us! Practice the kind of repair that moves beyond an apology, and means that we go back and try again.
This kind of repair requires grace and a commitment to connection from all involved – grace that provides space for do-overs, repair, and real healing.
Deep, complete healing and profound, transformative connection. Y’all, we’ve got this!
Here is another one of our blogs that might be of interest to you during this time:
Is There a Difference Between a Tantrum and a Meltdown?
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