by Bettina Shultz-Jobe, LPC, NBCC | Nov 23, 2025 | Applied Principles, Personal Growth
Every year around Thanksgiving, we’re reminded to be grateful. We write lists, share reflections, and pause to notice what’s good in our lives.
Gratitude is an important practice. It helps us slow down, shift perspective, and strengthen our sense of connection.
But there’s another side to gratitude we rarely talk about: what happens when it feels out of reach.
When Gratitude Feels Out of Reach
Sometimes, gratitude feels like something we’re supposed to feel but can’t quite touch.
In my work, I’ve heard people say, “I know I should be thankful. My life is good. Other people have it worse.”
It sounds reasonable, even mature. Yet underneath those words is often something else—a quiet ache that says, I shouldn’t be struggling.
That’s when gratitude starts to feel like pressure instead of peace…and when that pressure builds, shame is often waiting just beneath it.
I’ve heard this called “gratitude shaming.” It happens when we push ourselves to feel grateful instead of allowing what’s real. We tell ourselves, “It could be worse” or “I should be thankful for what I have,” but that kind of gratitude bypasses pain instead of tending to it. Over time, it can leave us feeling smaller, unworthy, or disconnected from our own experience.
Sometimes this sounds like, “I have a good life and I still can’t cope.” For some, that spirals into shame: the belief that something must be wrong with me. Gratitude, meant to bring perspective, turns into a measure of worth.
Compassion is the Missing Piece
There’s no doubt that gratitude supports emotional well-being. It helps us notice what’s good and shift our focus toward what sustains us. But when gratitude feels out of reach, compassion becomes even more essential.
Juliane Taylor Shore, who spoke at our Rooted conference, describes compassion as “the distance at which I can love both you and me simultaneously.” It’s what allows us to hold suffering, our own or another’s, without getting lost in it.
Compassion begins with empathy but doesn’t end there. Empathy helps us feel with someone else, yet without movement, it can overwhelm the body. Julianne calls this “empathetic distress.” When we only feel but cannot act, our limbic system floods with emotion, and the body’s fight, flight, or freeze response takes over. Compassion is what completes that movement. It transforms empathy into care, helping the nervous system settle rather than store pain.
Biologically, empathy activates stress centers in the brain, while compassion calms them. It releases oxytocin, serotonin, and GABA—neurochemicals that bring balance, connection, and a sense of safety. Both gratitude and compassion soothe the brain, but compassion reaches further. It engages reward centers that generate satisfaction and well-being, while quieting the amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for fear and threat detection. Compassion literally reshapes the brain from a state of threat to a state of calm and connection.
The Three Parts of Compassion
Compassion may sound like a soft idea, but it is something we can practice and grow. It lives in the choices we make when things feel hard, in how we stay present, how we remind ourselves we are not alone, and how we offer kindness instead of judgment. These three parts work together to bring balance back to the body and to the heart:
Mindfulness is the ability to stay with what’s real, what’s true – what is – even when it’s uncomfortable. It sounds like, “This is hard, and I can be with this feeling.”
It invites us to be with what is: to sense our bodies, notice our breath, and acknowledge both the pain and the beauty in the moment. “This is a moment of suffering,” we might say, “and the ground is still holding me.”
Common Humanity is a reminder that we are not alone. Every person reaches moments of pain, confusion, or exhaustion. Remembering that softens isolation.
It’s the deep knowing that being human means having limits and vulnerabilities. As one of our trainers, Kathleen Choe, once said, “That’s a lot to hold. I’m glad you could make space for her grief and your humanity, which by definition gives us limited capacity to hold all the things.” Remembering this truth helps us meet ourselves and others with gentleness.
Kindness. This pertains to the choice to respond gently instead of critically. Sometimes it’s as simple as taking a breath and saying to yourself, “You’re doing your best right now.”
Compassion isn’t only a feeling; it’s movement. It might look like placing a hand on your chest and saying, “You are human. Of course, you are overwhelmed.”
Or my personal favorite, “Bettina, you are human so OF COURSE you can’t do all the things. Even so, you are a total badass!”(while striking an absolutely amazing power pose) 🙂
These gestures ground compassion in the body and remind us we are capable of offering care, even to ourselves.
Each of these small shifts begins to change what’s happening inside the body. They create the space needed for healing to take root.
Compassion in Practice
In our work at Natural Lifemanship, we talk often about co-regulation, the way nervous systems learn balance through relationship. Empathy and compassion are part of that same rhythm.
Empathy is the activation. Compassion is the soothing. When empathy rises and compassion follows, the nervous system learns what completion feels like. This is the same rhythm that builds secure attachment: activation followed by comfort, rupture followed by repair, need followed by response. Over and over, these cycles of empathy and compassion teach the body that safety is possible.
You can feel this rhythm in therapy sessions, in parenting moments, or even in how you speak to yourself. It’s the pattern of being human: tension met with care, struggle met with support, pain met with presence.
This is how safety is learned, again and again.
A Thanksgiving Reflection
If gratitude feels far away this season, you do not have to force thankfulness or measure your pain against anyone else’s.
Start with compassion and begin with what’s real. Offer yourself the same warmth you would offer someone you love. Remember that being human means feeling the full range of emotions, not just the ones that look good on paper.
And if you find yourself returning to gratitude later, let it come naturally, not as a demand but as a response to being understood and cared for.
As part of our Thanksgiving reflection, we’re sharing a special keynote from Rooted 2025: “Growing Your Relationship with Self-Compassion” with researcher, therapist, and author Julianne Taylor Shore.
Her talk explores how compassion reshapes the brain, supports healing, and helps us connect more deeply with ourselves and others.
If you are a Natural Lifemanship Member, click here (make sure you are logged into the site) to watch the keynote presentation and earn 1.5 CE credits by completing the course in Thinkific.
Not yet an NL Member? Now is a great time to join us! Learn more about Membership today.
by Bettina Shultz-Jobe, LPC, NBCC | Jun 26, 2025 | Basics of Natural Lifemanship, Case Studies, Equine Assisted Trainings, Personal Growth
When it comes to equine-assisted services, we often focus on the profound emotional and psychological breakthroughs that happen when humans and horses connect. We celebrate the moments when a client finds their voice, builds confidence, or processes trauma through their relationship with these magnificent equine partners. But there’s something fundamental we’re missing in many conversations about this work—something that determines whether these breakthroughs happen at all.
Your body is speaking, whether you realize it or not, and the horses are listening.
The Language Horses Understand Best
When we engage with a horse, we enter a conversation that precedes spoken language. Horses are hardwired to read the subtle communications of movement, posture, and energy that reveal intention, emotional state, and even past experiences. They don’t care about your credentials, your therapeutic techniques, or your carefully crafted treatment plans. They care about what your body is telling them at this moment.
This creates both an incredible opportunity and a significant challenge for those of us working in equine-assisted services. The opportunity lies in the immediate, honest feedback horses provide about our internal states. The challenge is that most of us have never been trained to understand what our bodies are actually communicating.
We live in a culture that has taught us to separate the mind from the body, to treat physical wellness as distinct from mental health. But here’s what science tells us: our brain, body, and nervous system develop together from the very beginning.
In utero, it’s not that the brain develops first and then tells the body to move. Rather, the body begins moving in reflexive patterns, and it’s through this movement that neural pathways form.
Movement builds the brain. And trauma, by altering our movement patterns, reshapes our neural landscape in ways that affect how we think, feel, and relate to the world.
Trauma Changes the Way We Move
When trauma occurs, the body adapts. These adaptations are often protective, and they are usually unconscious.
We see this played out in the bodies of trauma survivors—shoulders turned inward, eyes cast downward, feet turned inward with toes curled toward the midline. This particular posture, interestingly, mirrors one of our earliest intrauterine movements, when a developing baby moves into the protective fetal position.
When someone lives in this contracted, protective posture consistently, they’re not just physically small—they’re emotionally and energetically small too. They’ve learned to make themselves quiet, invisible, safe. And horses, with their exquisite sensitivity to body language and energy, respond to this communication immediately.
A Story of Change
One of our clients, a woman in her 40s, came to us with a history of early and repeated trauma. Her body moved in a way that reflected her past. She walked with her head down, her shoulders rounded, and her toes curled slightly inward. She carried herself as if trying to disappear.
When she made requests of the horses, they ignored her. Some even pushed her out of their space.
Rather than focusing on what she was saying, we focused on how she was moving. We worked with developmental movement patterns—specifically, the push and reach patterns that help restore a sense of agency. These patterns are part of what we teach in the Embodied Developmental Movement Series.
This wasn’t about telling her how to stand. Instead, we invited her to explore “push” in her body – her ability to push into the earth for support, and her experience of pushing on an object, or another person, to rediscover her internal strength. In exploring “push”, we also explore the felt sense of “I am here”.
As she practiced these movements, her nervous system began to shift. Her stance changed. Her energy became more organized.
We didn’t ask her to stand a certain way, we helped her find what she needed to hold herself tall.
Eventually, the horses started to respond to her differently. They began to listen, to connect, and to willingly choose to cooperate with her requests.
The change was not just physical, it was emotional and relational. And it began in the body.
Subtle Adjustments Make a Big Impact
Another client, an executive with a high level of anxiety, presented a different movement pattern. On the surface she appeared confident, straight-backed with her head up. But her movement told a more complex story.
When she reached toward her horse, her weight shifted backward. Her knees were locked, and she stood heavily on her heels. She believed she was grounded. In truth, she was leaning away.
With gentle guidance, she softened her knees and allowed her full foot to meet the ground. For the first time, she felt her toes. This simple change brought her into a more neutral and balanced position. Her horse responded with a deep breath and moved toward her.
That moment marked a turning point. By learning to move in a more integrated way, she experienced a deeper sense of connection—with herself and with her horse. A shift she couldn’t help but take into the rest of her relationships.
Retained Reflexes and Incomplete Patterns
We also see clients who carry reflexes that were never fully integrated during development. (Sometimes it is just a part of themselves who carries the reflex.) The Moro reflex, for example, is a startle response that should complete in infancy. When it remains active, it can show up in adult clients as sudden backward movement, difficulty recovering from surprise, or heightened reactivity.
In equine sessions, this often becomes visible during mounted work. If a horse makes a sudden stop or shift, the client may flinch backward and struggle to return to center. These reactions are not about the horse. They are rooted in the body’s unprocessed history.
By working with these reflexes in an intentional manner, we help clients build the capacity to stay present. We help them complete movements that were never allowed to finish.
A Change the Horses Can See
The people we work with often begin to feel change in their bodies before they see it reflected in their lives. In traditional relationships, others may take time to notice or trust a person’s transformation.
But horses notice right away.
When a client stands more grounded, breathes more deeply, or moves with intention, the horse responds immediately. That response builds trust. It reinforces the change. It gives the client something to hold onto when the outside world is slower to catch up.
This is one of the reasons equine-assisted work is so powerful. It allows clients to experience the impact of their healing as it happens.
The Role of the Practitioner
To do this work well, we must become students of movement. We need to understand how the body was designed to move, how trauma alters that movement, and how we can guide clients in regaining patterns that support regulation and connection.
This is what the Embodied Developmental Movement Series teaches.
Across four progressive trainings, we explore the motor patterns and reflexes that shape human development. We practice observing the body with care and clarity. And we learn how to support small, intentional shifts that lead to meaningful transformation.
The work of developmental movement is about connecting with our most basic, and pervasive, way of experiencing the world. As a facilitator, we can observe gesture, posture, gait, breath, patterns of tension and collapse, and so much more.
We can lean into the subtle nuances of how our clients move through their world, and rebuild patterns from the ground up that support health and harmony.
When you become more fluent in the language of movement, you gain new tools for healing. And you help your clients discover what it means to be fully present in their own bodies—and in their relationships.
Healing rooted in the body
When we help someone move differently, we help them live and connect differently. That is the heart of this work.
If you already practice a somatic lens with your clients, these trainings will add to your toolbox and enrich your skills. See more in your client’s subtleties, get to the root of the issue faster, and have more ways to creatively bring integration and clarity to your sessions.
If you are new to somatic work, or are unsure about your scope of practice, these trainings can offer you what you need to have a solid foundation to offer clients. By attending all four trainings, you create your somatic movement scope of practice.
If you are ready to deepen your practice and explore the intelligence of movement, we invite you to explore the Embodied Developmental Movement Series with Mark Taylor and Bettina Shultz-Jobe and join us.
by Bettina Shultz-Jobe, LPC, NBCC | Apr 23, 2025 | Applied Principles, Basics of Natural Lifemanship, Personal Growth
There’s a moment many of us recognize—quiet but profound—when something clicks in session. A client gently touches a horse’s mane, or pauses mid-sentence in conversation, and you feel it.
A shift. A softening. Something real is happening.
But just as often, that moment slips away. It begins to represent something else – something in “real life,” something outside of the present moment. Maybe the horse becomes “Dad” or “my husband,” and the silence turns into something else.
Many of us start drawing lines and meaning before the experience can fully unfold. We turn to symbolism far too early and far too often.
But this is only projection. It might feel profound, but it isn’t presence.
In Natural Lifemanship, we say the relationship is the work. That means we meet our clients (and our equine partners) right where they are. Not as symbols. Not as metaphors. Not as stand-ins for the people or patterns we’ve carried. Just as they are.
Because true transformation happens not in what we imagine the relationship to be—but in how we experience it, moment to moment.
The Illusion of Insight
Projection can feel like insight. A client might say, “This horse reminds me of my mother,” and suddenly it all seems to make sense—the resistance, the anger, the longing. After all, the brain loves a neat narrative.
But insight without presence is a detour.
When we assign roles too soon, we bypass the discomfort of simply being in a relationship. We give ourselves a way out—a story to hold onto instead of a truth to stay with, to be with, to sense into. . . In doing so, we trade connection for clarity. And clarity, when it arrives prematurely, can actually prevent the deeper work from happening.
Presence is the Practice
Working in a trauma-informed way means we resist the urge to label too soon. We stay curious. We slow down. We let the nervous system settle before the story takes shape.
That’s hard. Especially for those of us trained in traditional modalities where naming things is seen as progress. But healing doesn’t come from labeling—it comes from relating.
In our Fundamentals training, we return to this again and again: presence is not passive. It’s active engagement. It’s showing up with our whole selves—body, breath, attention—and choosing to stay with what’s actually happening, not what we think it means.
It’s the foundation of secure attachment. And it’s the soil from which transformation grows.
Why We Work With What Is
So why does this matter? Because when we work with what is—the actual being in front of us, the feelings in our own bodies, the relational dynamics that arise organically—we begin to shift from symbolic healing to somatic healing.
Symbolic healing may provide insight. But somatic healing provides integration.
This doesn’t mean metaphor is useless. In fact, meaning-making can be beautiful and powerful. But only when it comes after presence—not in place of it.
We can’t build real relationships with a projection. But we can build relationships with a living, breathing being. And that relationship, when approached with curiosity and care, guides us to insight far more honest than anything we could manufacture.
A Personal Reflection
I remember a session with a client who kept referring to a particular horse as “my ex.” She meant it half-jokingly, but the dynamics were clear—she was guarded, reactive, mistrustful. It made sense, given her history.
Rather than following the metaphor, I asked her to focus on the actual interaction. How was the horse moving? What was she feeling in her body? Where did she notice tension? Could she stay with that?
It wasn’t instant. But slowly, something softened. She stopped narrating and started noticing. The story faded. Presence returned.
And in that space, a different kind of truth emerged—less about her past and more about her capacity to be in the present, in this relationship, with this horse, and this capable and beautiful self.
That’s the kind of shift that sticks.
Moving From Story to Self
Projection is a way our brains try to make sense of the world. It’s not inherently bad. But when we hold too tightly to the stories we project, we miss the opportunity to be changed by real connection.
And that’s the heart of this work: to offer experiences that don’t just explain our patterns but transform them.
When we stop projecting and start relating, healing becomes possible—not because we named it, but because we felt it. Lived it. Practiced it.
In the body. In the breath. In the space between two beings, neither of whom is trying to be anything other than who and what they are.
Join Us for the Conversation
If this resonates with you—if you’re ready to explore how to move from projection to presence—we invite you to join us.
On April 28 at 5 PM Central, I will host a free webinar on “Connection Without Projection.” It’s a powerful opportunity to deepen your understanding of why presence matters more than metaphor—and how this shift can change your practice, your relationships, and your life.
And if you’re ready to go further, consider enrolling in our Fundamentals of Natural Lifemanship training. It’s where the work begins—where we build the roots that allow everything else to grow.
Because healing doesn’t start with metaphor.
It starts with what’s real.
by Kate Naylor | Jan 31, 2025 | Equine Assisted Trainings, Personal Growth, Testimonials & Reflections
“100% the best training I have ever attended in over a decade of practicing equine assisted psychotherapy!” – Jacquelyn Kaschel, Eagala Adv. MH/ES
The Personal Immersion is my favorite training that we offer at Natural Lifemanship. There, I said it.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I LOVE all our trainings…the Fundamentals with all those fresh hearts and minds! The Intensive with the deeply personal dive into building consensual relationships! The Relationship Logic with its quiet, nuanced fine tuning! The Rhythmic Riding with all that movement and rhythm!! I could go on and on. But still, the Personal Immersion is just so powerful, personal, and holistic….I really cannot get enough!
Which is why I was dreaming of our next PI coming up in March, and decided to peruse our evaluations from the past Personal Immersions we have offered. We are always evolving our work here at NL, continued personal and professional growth is a deeply held value for us. And so I wanted to look back over our evaluations and get a snap shot of where we need to keep growing.
Y’ALL. I was blown away by these testimonials!
Reading these words brought tears to my eyes and warmth to my core. I just LOVE this training! I wanted to share some of the testimonials with you in case you’ve been curious about the Personal Immersion. Here’s one from Emily…
The Personal Immersion is life-changing! I would recommend anyone who is in a helping role attend. Even years later, I am feeling the positive effects of having attended. It was a spark that set ablaze the growth in my healing journey in places where I was stuck. I am still thankful for how I’ve grown. -Emily
We call it a training, but it is more of a retreat, really. Our time spent in the small group (8 people max!) is highly experiential – The PI is an incredibly safe (and brave!) immersion into curiosity about one’s own patterns, strengths, and tender places – as well as movement and connection to support healing and repair – body, mind, and soul. Our goal is to support students in learning about attachment by accessing their own attachment wounds and strengths.
You cannot take someone where you have never been
We are called to develop ourselves if we are going to take someone else on a personal journey. I feel this so strongly, and believe our PI helps practitioners really embody necessary skills for their own healing, and for working with others.
Natural lifemanship is a space where you can explore, grow, and learn in a safe, supported environment. They care about you as a person first, and a professional second. If you are looking to journey deeper into yourself and experience what true relationship feels like, this is the place to do it! -Amy Fox
Ugh! How amazing are those words – it takes me back to all those moments at the PI when we are in some deep stuff, and the group just radiates support and love. It’s like nothing else I have ever experienced. The work that takes place in the 4 days we gather together for this training is so holistic and so intentional, I feel it every time I am there.
The Natural Lifemanship model is so deep, so moving, and so life changing for both people and the animals we are able to connect with. I wish everyone could be so gentle and loving in their approach to relationships of all kinds. – Wendi Morin
Guidance and support every step of the way
The Personal Immersion was painstakingly crafted over years – drawing from a variety of skill sets and experiences. Each trainer brings a unique perspective, yet all are grounded in a desire to put connection first, in every moment. Honestly, we get rave reviews about our wonderful facilitators…here are just a few…
The quality of instruction was inspiring. Both as a team and individually each practitioner shared their gifts and strengths. Everyone was so kind, supportive, insightful, and professional.
AMAZING!!!! All of the instructors, each and every one, was valuable, authentic, supportive, and loving.
All the facilitators were super attuned, compassionate, and highly skilled. I can not stress this enough. It was life changing!
I would describe the quality of instruction as excellent, intentional, and effective. Every minute, every activity was so thoughtfully planned. I am grateful beyond measure.
With the caring guidance of 6 (yes, SIX!) trainers, our participants (only 8) are supported in digging deeply into their own experience. Through a connected and supportive group, time in nature, somatic and equine assisted activities, and a lot of rhythm, participants are invited to explore what it really means to be securely attached. To tend to all parts of themselves. To support others from a confident and calm inner strength. To access their own wisdom and bring it forth for healing.
Anxious about doing this work on yourself? You are not alone!
I was anxious about exploring this core issue of attachment but I also knew it was what I needed for myself and to better support clients on their journey. The setting and the wonderful staff provided safe, heartfelt and playful opportunities to explore the deep well of attachment. I’m so glad I took the risk – this experience continues to have a positive ripple effect in my personal and work life. -Janice Stump, MSW Peace Ranch
The Personal Immersion is the most holistic offering of Natural Lifemanship principles we have on our calendar. This is a 4 day immersion into the feel of NL – from the environment, to the pacing, to the activities, the conversations, the meals, and the rituals and connections – the Personal Immersion walks the walk of NL.
Will you walk with us?
I’ll leave you with one more testimonial. This one brings tears to my eyes and reminds me of why Natural Lifemanship exists. Thank you, Shayla, for this beautiful statement.
The NL Personal Immersion training is an experience that will be ingrained in my heart forever. The way the trainers and attendees showed up in physical presence as we learned about and leaned into being fully embodied was unexpectedly powerful, and the levels in which I was met and awakened mentally, emotionally, and spiritually are matchless. I was drawn to this training for personal reasons and have no doubt that my awareness and growth in that area will overflow into my professional realm as well. I’m so thrilled to not only have opened my heart and mind to this training, but to have experienced it, because what filled my space was (and still is) soul stirring. It felt like coming home… to an internal place of residence I always knew dwelled deep inside, but didn’t know how to access it. If you’re looking for a special place to feel seen, heard, and valued in ways that will uplift and validate you, look no further. – Shayla Anderson
This training sells out every time we offer it, and for good reason! As helping professionals, we join clients through some of their most challenging moments. Yet as humans, we experience plenty of our own challenging moments as well. Intimately knowing these aspects of the human experience makes us better clinicians! Join us for the Personal Immersion at NL Headquarters from March 13 – 16, 2025. Register now.
by Bettina Shultz-Jobe, LPC, NBCC | Dec 17, 2024 | Applied Principles, Personal Growth
During the Christmas season I usually become staunchly aware of how little time there really is. I become nostalgic and. . . I drop balls. Lots of them.
I then have this, totally unhealthy, pattern that unfolds. First, I feel like an awful mother. An awful wife. An awful friend. . . employer, sister, daughter. . . .and on and on. THEN I move from shame to anger and blame.
I get pissed!
I take a little time to rage against the expectations and the patriarchy and all this commercialized ridiculousness. Seriously, this is a well-worn soapbox.
BUT, here’s the thing. The truth is that I really love this season. I love twinkle lights and candles and advent calendars and the magic of Santa Clause and the Elf on the Shelf. I love the story of Mary and Jesus so much – the journey, the birth, the gifts, and all the hope. The magic of this season brings me to tears.
AND there is just so much to do this time of year.
So, this year, as family and friends arrive, and as I make the choice to sip eggnog next to the Christmas tree, or watch one more Christmas movie with the kids, I look at a variety of things that need to be done, and say “Something’s gotta give, and this is it.”
I hope some of you resonate with this little poem I wrote the other day as I moved through my shame, anger, blame pattern, and into a little peace and acceptance.
Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and Happy Holidays – I love y’all.
Something’s Gotta Give, and This Is It.
Listen >>
The house is a wreck and the dishes are dirty.
Laundry is growing out of the couch.
Windows, baseboards, blinds, the ring inside the toilet.
Something’s gotta give and this it.
My car. (Place a dramatic and pause and audible exhale here)
Yep, something’s gotta give and this is it.
Blocks, and Legos, and crafts all over the house.
And dare I mention the squatters taking up residence inside and under my couch.
Something’s gotta give and this is it.
The biggest problems can’t be fixed in a day or even a week or two.
The dishes, the baseboards, the spilled milk in my car. . .
Have I mentioned the laundry?
Just a couple hours and these (quote) “problems” can be fixed, often with relative ease.
It is not so with our health, our relationships, or the legacy we leave.
The health of our body.
The health of the earth.
The health of the mission we painstakingly birth.
The health of our relationships with our family and friends.
These kinds of problems, quite simply, take years to mend.
Something’s gotta give, and it’s gonna be the dishes for sure.
The laundry.
The dusty baseboards and blinds.
And that DAMN STUBBORN toilet ring that abides.
So, this is my mantra.
My manifesto, if you will, during this season and throughout the coming year:
Grace to focus on what matters most and radical permission to say…
“Something’s gotta give, and this is it!”
by Bettina Shultz-Jobe, LPC, NBCC | Jul 24, 2024 | Applied Principles, Parenting and Counseling Children, Personal Growth
By Bettina Shultz-Jobe
I recently wrote a blog about how we can build strong connections with ourselves and others through rupture and repair. Many of us have not had healthy rupture and repair modeled in our lives and are, therefore, just beginning the journey of embracing this practice and this way of being in the world, so I thought it might be helpful to discuss some actionable steps we can take when seeking repair in a relationship.
Oftentimes, people use the terms “repair” and “apology” synonymously. An apology is not a repair. It is merely a part of what is needed to make a repair. Let’s discuss the most basic components of a repair, while also holding the awareness that putting steps to a process that involves human relationships (that can be quite complicated!) will always be an oversimplification. Hopefully, still useful, but an oversimplification, nonetheless.
Repair requires attunement and a deep acceptance that life and relationships are not “black and white” and perfection is never the goal. Relationships are messy and re-connection is always the goal during a relational repair and during conflict resolution.
Step 1: Allow Guilt, Reject Shame
Shame says, “I am a bad person.” Guilt says, “I did a bad thing.”
Research shows that when we feel shame, we become defensive, deny, blame others, and oftentimes, get angry at others for making us feel this way, but what we don’t do is change our behavior. When we feel shame we struggle to accept how our behavior affected someone else because it’s far too painful to think “I’m a horrible person.”
Shame is a self-focused emotion, “Me, me, me. . . I’m such a horrible person. What are you thinking of me? Are you thinking I’m a horrible person too?” When we struggle to distinguish between what I do and who I am, we move into a shame spiral, and repair becomes almost impossible.
Shame often has roots in our earliest experiences with caregivers. It may feel inherent to who you are, but that younger version of you can be nurtured into letting go of these shame messages.
Conversely, appropriate guilt is what is needed if we are to offer repair in relationships. Research shows that guilt allows us to focus on what we’ve done. Behavior is easier to change than self so when we feel guilt about a specific behavior, we are more likely to feel empathy for the person we’ve hurt. We are, therefore, more inclined to want to apologize and make things right. Acceptance of appropriate guilt – “I made a bad choice and that hurt your feelings” – is needed in order to do each of the following steps for repair.
Step 1 is about self-compassion.
“I am a good person, and I made a poor choice. My choice caused a rupture in this relationship, but I know that I can make it right. I can make a repair.” It is during this step that you can seek to understand why you did what you did without making excuses.
Feeling guilt instead of shame is very difficult for many of us, especially those of us who have survived childhood trauma, because the ability to distinguish between what I do and who I am does not emerge before the age of approximately seven or eight. This is one of the reasons that punitive child rearing can have grave effects on the development of the self. Child abuse and neglect often result in an adult who can feel shame, but not guilt. If you are struggling in this area, I encourage you to seek out counseling services with someone who specializes in complex trauma.
Step 2: Listen
Listen deeply and completely so that you can fully understand the damage that was done. Allow the other to be heard without defending or explaining yourself. Remember, the goal of conflict resolution is not to be right or to make a point, it is to repair by reconnecting. This step is for deeply understanding how your actions affected the person in front of you.
Laura Trevelyan, who was an anchor and correspondent for BBC News, and currently campaigns for reparative justice in a full-time capacity, puts it this way, “When seeking repair, the more you expose yourself to the full sensory experience of whoever’s been harmed, the closer you are to finding the right next step.”
I love this! Listen so deeply, that you “expose yourself to the full sensory experience” of whoever you have hurt.
This step is about profound empathy and deep compassion for the other.
Step 3: Apologize
Sincerely apologize for what you have done to damage the relationship. It is important that you explicitly state “I’m sorry. . . .” or “I apologize. . .” and expand on exactly what you are sorry for. Provide details about the situation, acknowledge your role in the situation, and repeat, in your words, how your actions have affected them. It is possible that you may need to return to step two, if the person you have hurt needs to clarify how your decisions affected them. Avoid phrases like, “I’m sorry you felt hurt” or “sorry if” or “sorry but” – these are all ways of minimizing the damage done.
Lastly, ask for forgiveness, and do not assume they will forgive you right away. Remember, forgiveness itself is a very personal process that can beautifully unfold during steps 4 and 5.
The apology is very important, but it is not the repair. Apologies without repair, over and over again, will undermine trust in the apology and in the integrity of the person offering the apology.
Step 4: Make Amends
Mend what was broken.
In this step you consider what you can do to right the wrong. One of my favorite ways to make a repair is to do what we often call a do-over or a rewind. In a do-over, you literally play the entire situation again and get the opportunity to do it differently. This step is so powerful and so often missed. I wrote a short blog to breathe life into what we mean by do-overs with this personal story.
The “rewind” is a similar concept that Tim and I have used quite a bit in our marriage. I will often make the sound of a tape rewinding (yes, I know I’m dating myself!) and then say something to this effect, “When you said ______, I really wish I had said _______. Would you give me the opportunity to go back to that moment and make a different choice?”
(I should add that the sound of the tape rewinding is lovely only if a bit of humor could bring some lightness to the conversation. As with all humor, definitely use it with caution.)
The rewind and the do-over empower us to practice and embody the change we hope to make in the future, and in the present moment both parties get to experience something different, rather than just imagine a different, hypothetical future.
Step 5: Continually Foster Reparative Experiences
Much of the time, mending what was broken in a relationship is not a one time event but a process that takes time. In situations where the rupture was large and/or took place over and over again (with little to no repair), each step in this process will also need to happen over and over again.
For example, when there has been infidelity in a relationship, each partner will need to choose to repeatedly do things differently, offering reparative experiences through every interaction to rebuild trust and connection.
At times, we might need to acknowledge that a situation feels like the one that led to the rupture in the first place and then overtly offer the reparative experience. “I can understand how this moment might feel a lot like the situation in which I caused you so much pain and heartbreak. This moment is different because I’m trying to [insert reparative behavior], and I am committed to you and to this relationship, and to the promises I made when we first started working to repair our relationship.”
Repair with a child
When repairing a relationship with a child, try something like this: “I know in the past when things like this happened, I didn’t listen and I punished you. Right now, I am here and I am listening, and we are going to work this out together. I am going to do what I have promised, what I have committed to you and to our relationship.”
Repair in sessions with clients
In sessions with clients, here’s one approach: “I know in the past when a big emotion came up for you, you needed to hide and work it out for yourself. Today you are not alone. I am here and I am okay with the expression of whatever emotion you may have. You don’t need to hide or suppress or get over it by yourself. I am here to listen and offer support.”
A repair is more than an apology. A repair has to be experienced. It has to be lived. It’s an opportunity to practice doing the right thing for the relationship. Practice does not make perfect, but it is certainly required for improvement and growth. It is through the embracing of repair, over and over again, that we can accept that ruptures will happen and that the world will not end.
When we are no longer scared of ruptures, we can be free to try, to show up, and to be willing to make mistakes.
As a community, I invite all of us to commit to practicing repair. The kind of repair that moves beyond an apology, and means that we vulnerably go back and try again. This kind of repair requires grace and commitment to connection from all involved – grace that provides space for do-overs, rewinds, repair, and real healing. Deep, complete healing and profound, transformative connection.
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