My lovely husband and amazing business partner, Tim Jobe, recently spoke with the Horses & Humans Research Foundation about healing, consent, attunement, and so much more. This discussion is about relationships. . . period. ALL relationships, including those we have with horses.
Please let us know what you think and share widely.
In every field, from athletics to the arts, from leadership to therapy, mastery is often viewed as being elusive—almost even mythical. It’s easy to believe that those who reach the pinnacle of their craft have tapped into some hidden well of knowledge or they have a natural talent that sets them apart.
While gifting and art and feel certainly contribute to greatness in any field, any master will tell you that mastery is built on a deep, intimate understanding of the fundamentals and a long-term commitment to doing them over and over again.
There is nothing more powerful than returning to the basics. No matter what you are learning, the road to mastery is paved with the consistent practice of foundational principles and practices.
I love the photo at the top of this blog because it represents one of my favorite stories from one of our Practicums. This horse is named Ed, a very experienced and confident, well-trained equine. His owner says that he is “her rock.” The person you see in the photo is Krystal Raley, a seasoned professional in this field, who later agreed to become an NL trainer. The weekend this picture was taken, they both returned, again, to the basics, and then slowed it WAY down – the result was nothing short of beautiful. I shared this story, and a few others, in our recent webinar, Slow Down & Do Less (Better).
The Fundamentals of NL is not a starting point to be left behind but a cornerstone to be revisited time and time again. Everything we do is an extension of basic principles, refined and expanded upon. This is true in every discipline. In martial arts, for example, the black belt is often seen not as the end of training but as a return to the beginning—a recognition that mastery is the result of perfecting the basic movements.
In therapy, coaching, and learning, and particularly in the context of Natural Lifemanship, the fundamentals involve keen listening and attunement, embodied regulation and co-regulation, skillful management of rhythm, body energy, and pressure, and a proficient navigation of the steps needed to build genuine connection through closeness and distance.
It’s in the repetition of these principles that true expertise is developed. A true master knows that their success lies in their willingness to return to the fundamentals, to practice them with the same diligence and attention as when they first began.
In our work with clients, it’s tempting to seek out the latest techniques or to focus on novel task-based approaches. While innovation has its place (certainly!), it should never come at the expense of the foundational elements that make our work effective.
More techniques will not make up for gaps we may have in our understanding and execution of the basics. When we skip past the basics because they seem tedious or hard, the gap in our practice only becomes more glaring as we try to compensate by learning more tasks, more techniques, or more skills.
Our clients and equine partners benefit most when we are rooted in the basics, ensuring that every single interaction is grounded in the principles that foster genuine connection, healing, and growth.
Mastery is not a destination but a continuous journey—one that circles back to the basics time and time again. Each time we circle back, while the truth may not fundamentally change, it does sink deeper and deeper into our soul.
Most of us agree, for example, that “connection heals” – at the beginning of a journey this belief might not carry much depth or texture. It may be mostly theory or might even seem trite. There was a time in my journey that this belief was, indeed, a bit trivial.
I knew it was true for sure, but today when I say “connection heals,” I mean something wildly different than I did even 5 years ago. Further along a sustained and arduous healing journey of my own and with many others, “connection heals” is a belief worth fighting for. For me, it is even a belief worth dying for. THIS is the power of a pilgrimage, a lifelong journey in which we meander and quietly saunter back to the values we hold dear, over and over again.
In every field, those who achieve greatness are those who understand the power of this journey – that there is nothing more powerful than returning to the Fundamentals. By embracing this truth in our own practices and in our own lives, we can guide our clients toward lasting change and deep, meaningful healing.
As we continue to grow and evolve in our work, let us never lose sight of the importance of the basics. For it is through the relentless execution of these fundamentals that we—and our clients—can achieve true excellence.
Whether this Fall will be your first time taking the Fundamentals of NL or you’re taking it for the third, fourth or fifth time, you’re making the right decision. We encourage our community to revisit the Fundamentals often to fully embody the principles and be able to call upon them when you need them. We hope to see you in the Fundamentals this Fall!
Co-authored by Rebecca J. Hubbard & Reccia Jobe with Pecan Creek Ranch
Creating a safe place for clients to feel comfortable being themselves, free from judgment and harm, while discussing and exploring their life experiences is vital to providing effective therapy and an imperative part of the therapeutic process. However, for many clinicians and therapy teams, creating safety often stops there. Clinicians and therapy teams spend a tremendous amount of time creating an inviting and safe place for clients but put little thought into how to assist clients in developing and internalizing their own safety. If clinicians and therapy teams only focus on creating safety within their environment, and do not help clients develop their own internal safety, clients do not learn how to establish it in their own lives.
As we learn more about trauma and become trauma-informed, we must consider the impact of clinicians/therapy teams being the only generator of safety and how this can potentially recreate feelings of powerlessness and reinforce the power differential between clinicians and clients that is reminiscent of the abuser victim dynamic where one person maintains all the power.
We need to teach clinicians/therapy teams how to create a safe place and then shift the power of creating safety from the clinician to the client, making it a shared endeavor. But how do we shift the power of creating safety for the client? We begin by creating safe and brave spaces.
Merriam-Webster dictionary defines brave as “having or showing mental or moral strength to face danger, fear or difficulty.” To be brave, a person or being must take action to face the challenge or struggle. One cannot be brave by just thinking about doing it; being brave is the action of engaging in the struggle.
To create safety for oneself, a person has to take action. But taking action is scary, difficult, and sometimes overwhelming, so people avoid it. What if I fail? What if I make a mistake? What if someone sees me and laughs at me or takes advantage of me? However, meaningful change, the kind that changes core beliefs, long-held patterns, and attachment styles, requires action.
Clinicians/therapy teams must create spaces where clients can safely take action. We call these spaces brave spaces. In a brave space, clients are engaged in doing, making decisions, trying new ways of being, getting outside their comfort zone, and taking appropriate risks. Clients can make mistakes without fear of being shamed, humiliated, teased, or punished. They learn that mistakes are information to help them know what to keep and change. They challenge their beliefs that there is only one way to do something and learn that there are many ways to accomplish their goals. Creating this type of environment assists clients in developing within themselves their own safe place from which to grow.
Brave spaces and safe places have many components in common. They are both spaces free from judgment, shame, punishment, and humiliation. Both spaces are supportive and encouraging. Both provide the client a space to explore difficult topics with the help of a caring other. The components of a brave space are not all that different from those of a safe place. The difference is in helping the client to take action and engage in the struggle, thus building the muscles needed to be brave and create safety.
But how do you encourage clients to take action since taking action is an extremely vulnerable process? Below, we outline the components of a brave space that assists people in taking action. These components are each part of a recursive feedback loop that generates more opportunities for being brave and creating safety.
It is common for clinicians//therapy teams to create a welcoming physical space or atmosphere. Still, they often forget about the role of their spirit, body, and mind in creating this atmosphere. A friend and colleague, Patricia Van Horn, Ph.D., said, “Who you are is just as important as what you do.” To create the essence of all of you is welcome here, clinicians/therapy teams must mindfully create a deep sense of welcome within their body, spirit, and mind. To do this, clinicians/therapy teams must have a genuine interest in and care for their clients. It is difficult to achieve a welcoming spirit when you dislike or are uncomfortable with someone.
Clinicians/therapy teams must find within themselves something they like or admire about a challenging client. Doing this takes work. It requires clinicians/therapy teams to identify what impedes them from finding positive regard for that client.
Clinicians/therapy teams must also be fully present in their bodies. They cannot be partially present or dissociated, even minimally. So, clinicians/therapy teams must find what they need to be fully present. Do they need to see fewer clients back-to-back without breaks? Do they need to see fewer clients per day? Do they need to alter their schedule so they work mornings or evenings? Do they need to narrow the scope of their practice? Do they need to address an issue in their own therapy? This, too, takes work. Clinicians/therapy teams must be able to take a self-assessment and be self-aware to know what they need to be fully present for their clients.
Lastly, clinicians/therapy teams must believe that their clients are capable and able to achieve health and well-being. If clinicians/therapy teams have a doubt, that doubt will show up in their bodies, spirits, and minds, and the client will feel it. The client may not be able to identify it, but they will notice it, which impedes their ability to do the work. So, if clinicians/therapy teams do not believe in a client or their ability to accomplish their goals, the clinicians/therapy teams need to determine why that is and address it themselves or refer the client. Clinicians/therapy teams need to have deep faith in their client’s abilities because clients need that level of support to take the risks they need to take to achieve their goals.
Many years ago, training programs taught clinicians to offer their clients a “tabula rasa,” a blank slate, for clients to paint onto clinicians whatever they wished. Some schools of thought still prescribe this way of being in the therapeutic relationship. However, we find that being a blank slate impedes the client’s ability to engage in the risk-taking that is necessary to change their lives.
In our work, we have discovered that it is essential for clinicians/therapy teams to be authentic and present in the therapeutic relationship to create the kind of environment needed for growth and change. Being authentic means, clinicians/therapy teams experience emotions, own their emotions, apologize when they are wrong or when they have been hurtful, ask for and engage in “do-overs,” and show genuine feelings for clients. To do this well and maintain appropriate boundaries, clinicians/therapy teams must do their own work. We feel it is not fair or appropriate to ask clients to do something their clinician/therapy team has not done or is unwilling to do.
Encouraging clients to be authentic and genuine is a moment-by-moment endeavor that clinicians/therapy teams must approach with compassion and welcome. Allowing the client to express genuine thoughts and emotions is essential and sometimes difficult. Since most clients are just starting this process, they can be harsh when sharing their thoughts and feelings. It is important for clinicians/therapy teams to refrain from taking this personally and remember that the client is learning how to communicate effectively and needs the space to do it imperfectly so they can learn.
Also, clinicians/therapy teams need to remember to see this as a process and see the client’s behavior through the lens of positive intent. Doing so will help clinicians/therapy teams respond in ways that are helpful to the client on their journey of being authentic and genuine and not shut down their clients. That does not mean clinicians/therapy teams cannot discuss how the client’s words or actions impacted them as the relationship grows. Clients often are unaware of how their words or behavior impact others. By understanding how they impacted the clinician/therapy team, clients can experience a deeper relationship rooted in genuine care and growth that nurtures the client and their ability to foster meaningful relationships in their lives. When clients and clinicians/therapy teams can be authentic, further integration and healing occur.
No one likes being vulnerable. This openness with another can create fear of rejection and harm. To work in a brave space, clients and clinicians/therapy teams must be vulnerable. We can create an environment where clients feel more at ease being vulnerable when clinicians/therapy teams appropriately show vulnerability. Clinicians/therapy teams should not ask clients to be vulnerable when they are unwilling to do so themselves. Vulnerability fosters connection and compassion. An excellent way for clinicians/therapy teams to be vulnerable is to show their humanity by admitting to their mistakes and making meaningful repairs. When clinicians/therapy teams do this, they are showing the client the power of vulnerability and how it strengthens the relationship.
Another way clinicians/therapy teams can be vulnerable is by sharing a brief experience of when they similarly struggled. Sharing this experience can have the power to humanize the clinician/therapy team and the client’s experiences. However, these disclosures must be brief, accessible, and meaningful to clients. They must contribute to the work and not detract from it. If self-disclosure is about the clinician/therapy team and not the client, then disclosing is inappropriate.
When done wrong, self-disclosure can derail the therapy and negatively impact the therapeutic relationship. When done well, self-disclosure reveals the client’s struggle to be a human struggle and produces the feeling that we are in this together.
Another way of creating an environment in which it is safe to be vulnerable is to honor any attempts at vulnerability by demonstrating to the client that the clinician/therapy team will not reject or harm them. How a clinician/therapy team responds with their actions, words, and energy will either show the client it is safe to be vulnerable or shut down further attempts at vulnerability.
Of course, none of these components would be helpful if clinicians/therapy teams shamed or punished themselves or their clients for actions, behaviors, or beliefs. Clinicians/therapy teams must create an environment of compassion and curiosity so that clinicians/therapy teams and clients are free to try new things. Having a compassionate-curious stance provides the opportunity to carefully examine actions, behaviors, and beliefs in a non-threatening manner. It also allows for the possibility of new understanding, a different perspective, and alternative actions that improve relationships with self and others and shed the cloak of toxic shame that suffocates so many.
How do clinicians/therapy teams hold with compassion and become curious about themselves, their clients, and their experiences? First, they must examine their reactions and learn their impact on themselves and others. They must identify the harmful ways they engage with themselves and give themselves kindness and compassion for their experiences before they can help clients see their patterns and provide clients with compassion. They must understand that their experiences of suffering, failing, and feeling inadequate are part of the human experience. They must hold these feelings gently and give themselves understanding and kindness while addressing the changes that need to occur.
If clinicians/therapy teams do not practice self-compassion, the experience they provide clients is incomplete. When compassion is only from the neocortex, it inadvertently teaches clients the “words” of compassion but not the whole meaning and experience of compassion.
In a nutshell, therapy is about creating meaningful connections with self and others. Clinicians/therapy teams can facilitate meaningful connections by meeting clients where they are and understanding their unique experiences and perspectives. They can assume positive intent of clients’ actions and behaviors, be in the struggle with clients, and hold contradictory ideas with compassion, showing clients that they truly understand, care, and have compassion for them.
When clinicians/therapy teams do this, they teach clients how to do the same for themselves. They can explore and hold dear clients’ spiritual practices and actively bring their spirituality into sessions, conveying to clients the importance of their whole selves.
Clinicians/therapy teams can listen to clients with their whole selves (bodies and neo-cortexes) instead of just their thinking brains and hear more than the words that clients convey, which leads to a deeper understanding of clients and their experiences. When clinicians/therapy teams use this ability to listen to clients’ whole selves (bodies and words), clients feel deeply seen and can begin to hear all of themselves.
When clinicians/therapy teams notice, for instance, that a client’s body is saying no but their words are saying yes, and they pause to listen to the client’s body instead of ignoring it, they are teaching the client to listen too. Their actions convey that the client’s body signals are important information that should not be ignored or minimized. When clinicians/therapy teams help clients connect with themselves in these ways, clients discover things about themselves and their experiences that they were unaware of before. They may find new strengths, beliefs, and values or discover new fears, concerns, or worries. As clients learn how to honor and listen to what their bodies are telling them, they become more compassionate and understanding of themselves, and they become safer.
All of these practices help clients feel profoundly understood and build trust with the clinician/therapy team, laying the groundwork for clients to connect with themselves and treat themselves with compassion. Having compassion for oneself allows for deeper connection and compassion for others.
Many people believe there are only a few “right” ways to do something. This belief contributes to self-judgment and shame. It stifles creativity and problem-solving ability, leading to powerlessness and an external locus of control. It removes the ability to learn how to take appropriate risks. At its most dangerous, this belief causes us to become immobilized with fear and overcome with depression. It ceases our growth.
Helping people understand that there are unlimited ways to do something frees them up to be themselves, think outside the box, and take risks that can help them grow. People often have difficulty changing their mindset that there are unlimited ways to achieve something because they were taught as children that there are right and wrong ways to do something. This is a difficult notion to let go of, so it is easier to focus on whether something is working for clients and whether it is good for their relationships with themselves and others. Rather than determining whether or not what they did was “right.” Natural Lifemanship teaches that if it is not good for one person in the relationship, it is eventually not good for either person.
We often run into the mindset that there is only one right way. We explain to clients our belief that there are millions of ways to do things, then ask them to try. We accept their attempts as long as they are not dangerous to the clients or others.
We once had a client who did not know how to put a halter on her horse, so she hung the halter off the horse’s ear and asked the horse to follow her to the barn. To the surprise of many, the horse followed the client to the barn despite the client using the halter differently. The client didn’t have to learn how to put the halter on because we were not teaching horsemanship. Instead, we were doing therapy and trying to change negative patterns. The fact that the client attempted something was helpful because she was learning how to experiment and let go of thought patterns that kept her stuck. That she successfully got her horse to the barn delighted her and gave her confidence that her ideas could work.
Clients are often fearful of trying and making a mistake, so they ask how to do something. When we encounter this, we remind clients that there is no right way to do it. Often, this statement frees them to try. We teach clients to see “mistakes” and “failures” as information received about what worked and what did not work and to use this information in their next attempt. There is no judgment or determination about whether the attempt was good or bad.
If clients ask for help, we ask them to try their best before assisting. If, after trying with some trial and error, clients still request help, we ask what type of help they want or need. Once the client identifies the help needed, we provide it as directed by the client. Usually, when people dismiss the idea that there is one right way and they actually try, they are successful. The more clients are allowed to figure things out on their own and do it their way, the more they try to do things and the more powerful they feel about making decisions in their lives.
Clients who have experienced repeated abuse are more likely to be re-victimized. There are many ways to think about why this may occur. One idea is when individuals experience repeated abuse by a loved one, they often have to push down or ignore their alarm system to maintain the relationship. Years of ignoring the body’s response disconnects clients from the physiological responses of their body’s threat assessment, making it very difficult to recognize unsafe situations. All the clues clients use to determine whether a situation is safe or dangerous have become confused or silenced because their system was overridden repeatedly, eventually producing a dissociated system.
Helping clients reconnect to their bodies and alarm systems by recognizing what their bodies are doing in response to specific situations and helping them learn how to interpret that information correctly is vital for their future safety. Clients often push through uncomfortable situations because it is a pattern of behavior for them and because clients believe it is what the clinician/therapy team expects of them. It is vital that clinicians/therapy teams stop a client and ask the client what is happening in their body when clinicians/therapy teams notice even the slightest discomfort. When clinicians/therapy teams do this, it assists clients in learning to listen to their bodies, and it builds trust between clients and clinicians/therapy teams because clinicians/therapy teams are listening deeply to their clients’ experiences. Clients, then, are able to make decisions that are protective and healthy for themselves and act on that information in a way that is good for their relationship with themselves and, ultimately, with others. As clients learn how to connect, read their own signals, and respond in a healthy, protective manner for themselves, their safety increases, and their relationships become healthier, too.
Clinicians/therapy teams must allow clients to practice these ideas and learn to take appropriate risks. It is important to allow clients to struggle while monitoring their window of tolerance. Allowing for struggle provides the opportunity for clients to overcome and own their power. Being fully present while clients struggle offers tremendous, genuine support and a powerful quality of being deeply seen.
Many clinicians/therapy teams are uncomfortable allowing clients to struggle because this feels like allowing suffering. But it is much like the butterfly who beats his wings against the cocoon to get stronger. If the butterfly is freed from the cocoon rather than bursting out on its own, it dies.
Clients need supportive struggle to get stronger. When clinicians/therapy teams allow clients to struggle while providing them with tremendous emotional support, clients discover that they have a broken belief system (I am not smart enough. I am not good enough. I can’t do anything.) that impedes their success. Once identified, this belief system can be repaired and healed through successfully overcoming struggles.
It is important to scaffold tasks so clients can succeed and have more opportunities to stay within their window of tolerance. The goal of doing is not perfection; it is healing the broken belief systems that free clients to take control of their lives and develop healthier relationships with themselves, others, and the world.
Clinicians/therapy teams often overlook the importance of clients being able to say “no.” If clients cannot say no to something, they cannot give a true yes. No, is the barometer of choice and safety. If clients can say no to a clinician/therapy team and it is respected, clients have a choice in what the clinician/therapy team asks them to do. The client then can make the choice that they feel is best for them in the moment, which increases safety. If the client cannot say no, the clinician/therapy team requires the client to submit to their will, which decreases safety and can reinforce old, abusive relational patterns.
This is so important in our practice that we go over this in our intake. We tell clients that they have the power to answer or decline to answer questions and to decide what and how much to tell us. We practice them telling us, “I do not want to answer that,” and we show them what our response will be. We do this until we see that the client’s body is relaxed and able to set this boundary with us. Even with this practice, we know most clients will struggle to say, “I don’t want to answer that.” So, we listen with our whole selves, and when we notice a client’s discomfort, we ask, “Do you want to answer that question?” and remind them they have the right not to. Some clients test us and say, “I don’t want to answer that” to every question we ask. This usually only lasts for a session or two until they see that we actually accept their boundary.
Helping clients understand that relationships are always more important than tasks (Natural Lifemanship principle) is a fundamental shift for most people. Most clients are more focused on the task at hand than on the relationship, which can cause them to make decisions when working on a task that negatively impacts their relationship.
When the value, relationship is more important than task, is applied, it strengthens their ability to have healthy relationships. When clients are practicing new skills, clinicians/therapy teams help clients by identifying times when clients are ignoring the relationship to complete the task, which invariably is harmful to the relationship in the long term. It is a skill to negotiate both the relationship and the task, and it requires a great deal of practice.
It is not enough to talk about change, being brave, or telling people there are unlimited ways to do things. Clinicians/therapy teams must provide clients with lots of time to practice being different within this supportive environment. When clients practice new things and new ways of being, they are being brave. This feeling of bravery and the experience of being brave goes with them each time they leave sessions. The more experiences clients have, the braver they become.
In order to practice and have the freedom to try, to make mistakes, and to try something else, there has to be an environment of continual learning. This environment is fueled by curiosity, wonder, excitement, or anticipation for what will happen when we try something. No matter what happens, it is noticed and folded back in to understand the experience better. There is no judgment about what happened. There is no evaluation of whether what happened was right, wrong, good, or bad. We observe the outcome and use the information to decide on the next steps. An environment of continual learning creates within the client an attitude of continual learning that, like “a million ways,” frees clients to try new things and find their own answers.
In summary, when clinicians/therapy teams take the time to create brave spaces in addition to safe spaces, they give clients the power to create safety in their own lives, which allows clients to grow faster, become stronger, and engage in relationships with themselves and others in more healthy ways.
What is a do-over?
A do-over is a chance to correct a behavior, thought, or belief that interferes with the types of relationships we want to have. They are chances to practice something different. They are a method to build new pathways in the brain or strengthen pathways that are already there, but not used very often.
A few years ago in New Mexico, I decided to break out the snowboard I had tried to learn to ride in my 20’s. I had somewhat mastered skiing and wanted a new challenge on the slopes. On this trip, I was now in my 30’s and hadn’t tried to snowboard in several years.
I didn’t have strong pathways in my brain to allow me to ride a snowboard very well. I took it slowly during the morning and gave myself some time to practice and gain skill on the bunny slopes before heading out with friends higher up the mountain.
I was doing well, weaving through traffic, controlling my speed, and avoiding a crash with a well-controlled abrupt stop. My confidence was increasing and I was finally beginning to feel comfortable on a snowboard. That was, until I crashed. In an attempt to avoid hitting someone else who had fallen, I caught an edge and lost control.
I tumbled and spun uncontrollably down the mountain, passing friends who were ahead of me. When my momentum faded and I was able to stop and assess my situation, I realized I had injured my wrist. I wanted to believe it was simply a sprain, and so I did. I declined offers to call ski patrol and have them take me down the mountain. I quickly picked myself up, convinced everyone I was ok, and headed down the mountain.
That was the most excruciatingly painful and slow trip down a slope I’ve ever experienced. Each small bump or groove I crossed caused enormous amounts of pain to shoot through my wrist and hand. Nausea, blurred vision, and lightheadedness quickly convinced me it was much more than a sprain as I dragged myself to the first aid station and called my friends to take me to a doctor.
My broken wrist required some time in a cast to heal. My injured ligaments required some physical therapy to learn to function properly after being held dormant for weeks. The physical therapy was painful. The ligaments in my wrist lost their resiliency. They didn’t want to move because the time in the cast had retrained them not to move anymore. The effects of the trauma they endured left them paralyzed. I had to retrain the ligaments to move in all of the ways they were supposed to so I could use my wrist again.
I had made some poor choices that led to events that damaged my wrist and therefore, my relationship with my wrist.
It could not and did not want to comply with my requests to move in ways that were good for our health. I wanted to have a good and productive relationship with my wrist again, so my wrist and I had to conduct do-overs, repeatedly, painfully, consistently for weeks. I had to maintain the pressure of conducting these do-overs as my wrist resisted in screams of pain. It wanted to stay put or only move in one or two ways. I had to say, “ok, wrist, we need to try that again in a different way.” And we would try it over and over and over again until we got the correct movements mastered.
After weeks of physical therapy, both at the clinic and at home, we didn’t have to keep conducting do-overs to get the movements correct. We had done them enough that my wrist was now trained to work appropriately on its own most of the time. There were a few occasions for about a year or two afterward where I would have some pain with too much strain of some sort. But it would subside, and each such episode would continue to strengthen my wrist.
This same kind of retraining I had to do with my wrist applies to our relationships. If we want to build new or stronger pathways to thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors that improve our relationships, we have to practice what leads us there. We have to retrain our brains to follow new neural pathways.
First, we have to stop doing the things that are causing us problems. For example, my ligaments had to stop refusing to do anything except rest and hold my joint together.
But the healing didn’t end there.
My ligaments had to have something else to do. They had to be trained to move appropriately again.
Likewise, when we are trying to heal our wounds and those in our relationships, we can’t just train our brains to stop following the undesirable pathways. New pathways must be created in the brain. If we don’t intentionally do this, we just revert to the old pathways and the old behaviors that cause us problems.
Creating new pathways is painful, frustrating, and time-consuming business, just like retraining my ligaments was painful, frustrating, and time-consuming business.
I was frustrated because of the time it took, how painful it was, and that the healing wasn’t happening as quickly as I wanted. But I had to intentionally practice the therapeutic exercises hundreds of times before my ligaments began to learn the new movements.
This same approach applies to healing relationships. We have to practice a new thought or a new behavior before we begin to develop a new pathway in the brain for what we wish to achieve. And we have to do this over, and over, and over, and over again (hence, do-OVERS) for as many times as it takes to make the pathway big enough and strong enough that we do not have to intentionally practice anymore.
I’m going to say this part again, because in my work with children and caregivers I am often asked in exasperated tones, “How many times does it take?” The answer is IT TAKES AS MANY TIMES AS IT TAKES to create or strengthen that pathway in the brain. Once it’s there, our brains begin to automatically follow that pathway and we begin to see the effect of it in ALL of our relationships.
Just like when my wrist wanted to revert to the comfortable movements on days of too much stress, our brains may try to revert to old pathways when we experience too much stress or too much pressure. But if we continue to practice do-overs in those moments, we make the new pathways even stronger and, as an added bonus, we increase our tolerance for pressure and stress.
If you look at maladaptive behaviors, thought patterns, and beliefs through the do-over lens, you can begin to see them as opportunities for growth and change. The more you look through this lens, the more your perceptions about your difficult relationships begin to shift to something hopeful and healing.
Like anything we do for the first time, it’s unlikely we’ll be great at do-overs the first time we try. New pathways in the brain take time, patience and practice to build.
On July 31, our CEO Bettina Shultz-Jobe will be hosting a webinar to talk about the difference between an apology and repair and the five essential components of repair in real life and in a clinical setting. Of course, do-overs are part of making relational repairs. Join us and start building these powerful pathways for yourself!
In the spirit of celebrating and practicing do-overs, this blog is an update of a post we published in 2016. It’s been updated and expanded based on all we’ve learned in the last 8 years! You can read the original here.
When I was a pre-teen I was horse crazy.
I had Breyer horses in my room and horse shoes with pictures inside of them all over my walls. One year for Christmas my parents got me a subscription to the Quarter Horse Journal. I read every single word and even indexed all the information so I could come back to it when needed. I was organized, committed, and passionate.
My horse’s name was Mr. Ed. He certainly wasn’t show or performance material but he loved me, and I was smitten. Absolutely smitten. I can still smell him today and feel his breath. Bathing him was probably my favorite thing – an even better smell that takes me back to all things wonderful in my childhood.
Mr. Ed was SLOW. So, I spent a lot of time on trail rides or pretending to help “work cattle” a mile behind my dad. I can remember singing “you are my sunshine” to my horse, while ignoring my dad’s pleas for me to catch up.
I now know the science behind what was really happening for me in those sweet and utterly perfect moments – those moments that formed me – powerful attachment and regulation stuff that I love nerding on and on about nowadays. The thing is, it’s not just research for me, nor is it for most of us.
It’s personal.
It’s why we do this work – we BELIEVE in the power of the horse/human relationship to heal and to help us develop and grow. We want this for ourselves, and we go to great lengths to offer this to others.
Some of us may not have had a living, breathing pony when we were young, but even so, many of us knew deep down that we NEEDED one. Intuitively, we knew what those who have come before us knew, what science is finally catching up to, and what those who will come after us will find deep in their bones – the relationship between horse and person is special and somehow part of the very fiber of our existence.
AND most of us, at some point, if we are in the EAS field long enough, find that our heart and our passion get fractured.
Bills to pay.
Horses and families to feed and care for.
A business to fund, and clients and communities with needs well beyond our capacities to meet.
And grief and loss – oh, the loss that is deep when we love our horses, and that can be particularly complicated to process.
So, we plug along.
And plug along some more.
And plug along some more, because. . .
Goodness me, horse people have some serious grit. It’s a strength until it’s a hindrance.
In Natural Lifemanship, one of our core principles is that true healing cannot happen at the expense of another. The first time we ever said this, we were talking mostly about the horses, and about how important it is that their physical, emotional, and psychological well-being is cared for in and out of sessions.
But a good principle is a good principle regardless of where it is applied (another foundational NL principle), and true healing for my horses and my clients cannot happen at my expense or at the expense of my family. I, too, need care for my physical, emotional, and psychological well-being in and out of sessions.
Maybe read that again, because you need this, too. We all do.
So, this year it is my intention to return to the heart of this work – the relationship that formed me – my real why.
Selfishly, I’d love to have support and a little accountability, so I’d like to invite our NL community to join me. Connect or reconnect to what childlike love of a horse feels like – this simple, yet profound love is at the heart of what we teach and what we do in the world every day.
My invitation to you is that you spend time each day for 30 days with your horse or horses, then we’ll meet as a community once a week to support each other and reflect on our time. For those of you that find it useful, we’ll give you prompts each day – some gentle guidance as you deepen your relationship with your horse. You can learn more about what we’re doing here.
I plan to do my best to create space for this each day, with all kinds of grace for imperfection. It’s okay to miss a day (actually, we’re building in a few extra days for this purpose). Your community will still be here when you get back.
As of late, I need this reminder on the regular. And I need time with my horse, while ignoring the world’s pleas to catch up – even if for just a short time each day.
If you need this too, please join me. Join our community as we take time for ourselves and time for our horses. . . on our own and in community.
Constellations are landmarks. They are a guide and a navigational tool. But they are not formed by going from Point A to Point B.
The same is true for your learning journey with Natural Lifemanship.
We often think of a learning journey as one with mileposts that we use to figure out how far along we are relative to “the end” or finish line.
At Natural Lifemanship, we invite you to think about your learning journey as one made up of constellations, not mileposts. It’s not about going from start to finish, but about uncovering clusters of meaning along the way.
Those clusters are made up of opportunities to learn, to practice, and to grow in community. This is exactly why we created the Natural Lifemanship Membership many years ago.
Here are some ways we create constellations within NL Membership to move you toward your goals:
Membership includes over 100 hours of videos and compilations, more than 45 CE credits currently available, and videos and courses being added regularly. Take a look at the content lineup below to see exactly what you’ll have access to as an NL Member!
Free events for Members, plus discounts on select events to practice what you’re learning. This includes:
Connect with your peers and build a community of supportive colleagues through:
This is just the beginning of what you get with NL Membership. We will be announcing new opportunities to connect and learn in person this year, too!
Here’s a look at Membership content by category, along with descriptions and CEs, where available.
>13 hours of video; 9 CE credits available
Animal Welfare Issues are also Clinical Issues
Tim Jobe and Bettina Shultz-Jobe discuss how to recognize animal welfare issues, including those that lead to behavior issues and burnout. They share how a lack of awareness in this area can impact our clients.
1 Hour/0 CEs
Distance Doesn’t Have to Mean Disconnection
Learn about the foundational role that detachment (physical distance) plays in forming a secure attachment. Learn how we can help ourselves and others get the relational experiences we didn’t get during development.
1 Hour/1 CE
Doing Attachment-Based Work
Gain a concrete understanding of attachment-based work, why it is important, and why understanding attachment-based work is critical when doing telehealth or transitioning between in-person and telehealth sessions.
1 Hour/1 CE
Introduction to NL
Learn the history and big ideas of Natural Lifemanship, how Natural Lifemanship principles are applied in relationships with horses, and how the NL principles facilitate connection and healing.
1 Hour/0 CEs
Introduction to NL and Trauma Informed Care for Service Organizations
This course lays a foundation for shifting organizational culture to become more trauma informed. Learn trauma-informed principles for building connected relationships that help to heal and reorganize the brain.
4.5 Hours/4.5 CEs
Natural Lifemanship Trauma Informed Care for Parents and Caregivers
NL co-founders, Tim and Bettina Jobe, teach parents relationship principles that help children learn to self-regulate and build healthy relationships, and why these are important especially when parenting children who have experienced trauma.
2.25 Hours/0 CEs
Support or Rescue
Bettina Shultz-Jobe discusses the difference between offering support and rescuing in the context of the therapeutic relationship. She discusses why this matters from a neurobiological and attachment perspective.
1 Hour/0 CEs
Trauma Informed and Developmentally Sensitive Schools
Learn science-based principles for creating trauma-informed and developmentally sensitive classrooms and schools. NL relationship principles provide a framework for translating principles into effective practices.
2.25 Hours/2.25 CEs
Trauma Informed Care and Trauma Informed Relationships are for Everyone
The truth is that most of us have experienced some level of trauma. Trauma informed care (TIC) is about becoming empowered to organize or reorganize the brain by understanding how the brain and body develop.
1 Hours/0 CEs
When Two Cultures Collide
Tim and Bettina discuss belief systems and principles that have historically prevailed in the horse world creating cultures that may collide or that may coalesce to bring about health and healing for horse and human, alike.
1 Hours/0 CEs
>25 hours of video
Catching Your Horse with Connection
Watch as Natural Lifemanship trainer, Tanner Jobe, demonstrates and explains how to catch and halter a horse with connection.
.25 Hours/0 CEs
Centering
Learn a process for becoming more present to yourself and others. Shannon Knapp demonstrates a process of centering as a way to get in touch with yourself prior to engaging with a horse.
.25 Hours/0 CEs
Connected Horsemanship Deep Dive Workshop
Learn how the process of building a connected relationship in Natural Lifemanship is guided by principles and by a particular responsiveness to THIS relationship, rather than by techniques uniformly applied to all relationships.
3 Hours/0 CEs
Determining if the Relationship is Ready for Riding
As the relationship between a client and horse progresses, the therapy team and the client may decide it’s the right time to explore connection while mounted; however, how do they know if the client’s horse is ready for this next stage of intimacy?
.25 Hours/0 CEs
Developing Felt Safety with Attachment and Detachment
In this video, Tanner works with a new horse named Lizzie and demonstrates how to ask for connection through attachment and detachment. The goal is for Lizzie to stay connected, even in more stressful or unfamiliar spaces.
1 Hour/0 CEs
Equine Essentials: Body Language, Posture, Expressions, and Movement
There are a lot of opinions in the field about what various horse behaviors and physical cues mean; but in any relationship, and especially those with our equine companions, understanding body language and behavior is actually very nuanced. With this course, you will gain skill and confidence in your interactions with horses. Learn the essentials to better understand, care for, and connect with horses. This series is ideal for all equine-assisted/facilitated practitioners and especially those who apply the Natural Lifemanship process. To offer this series, we partnered with horse trainer and riding instructor, Callie King.
1.5 Hours/0 CEs
Facebook Live Collection – Connected Horsemanship
Each video in this collection was originally shot and shared via Facebook Live. Observe the many nuances of building connection in each encounter between a particular human and a particular horse at a particular moment in time.
6 Hours/0 CEs
Haltering with Connection
How might we approach a routine task such as haltering as an opportunity to build connection in our relationship with our horse? Tanner demonstrates how he asks Oreo to be connected and to say “yes” to being haltered.
.5 Hours/0 CEs
Integrating Equine Bodywork in TF-EAP
Learn to apply NL principles while connecting with your horse through equine bodywork. Learn a simple technique to help your horse release tension and learn how the technique may be incorporated into work with clients using the NL process.
2 Hours/0 CEs
Learning about Connection with a Wild Horse
NL co-founder, Tim Jobe, demonstrates how he begins to work with a wild horse in ways that build connection. He discusses how he applies the NL principles throughout the process.
.5 Hours/0 CEs
Relationship Basics with Frieda
In this series of 19 videos, Tim and Bettina build a connected and cooperative partnership with their rescue horse, Frieda. Learn the nuances of the NL process through this series of demonstrations.
4 Hours/0 CEs
Tanner & Nina: Preparing for Mounting
Tanner builds his relationship with Nina starting with asking her to attach in the pasture to follow him into the covered arena. Once in the arena, they work on refining their attachment and detachment and positioning around the mounting block.
1.5 Hours/0 CEs
The Complexity of Touch
NL is a practice of restoring and repairing connection in our relationships whenever and however it is lost. Trust and intimacy are built through thousands of micro-repairs. Bettina and Tanner work on restoring connection around touch with Apollo.
3 Hours/0 CEs
The Process of Mounting at Liberty
Tanner works with Lady to help her become comfortable positioning her body around the mounting block. Through working on connection they build the trust and communication needed for mounting.
1.5 Hours/0 CEs
>12.5 hours of video; 12.5 CE Credits available
NL for Groups
NL Trainers, Sara Sherman of Discovery Horse and Reccia Jobe of Pecan Creek Ranch, teach and model just how easy and effective it can be to incorporate NL principles into a variety of group settings.
3.25 Hours/3 CEs
NL for Veterans and First Responders
This course includes content on how to apply NL principles to working with veterans and first responders. The presentations cover important skills for working with each population.
5.5 Hours/5.5 CEs
Telehealth with Children and Families when they have been doing EAP
How does one move an equine-assisted practice indoors, or even virtual via telehealth? Learn some helpful ways to transition to telehealth with clients who are accustomed to working outside with you and with horses.
1 Hour/1 CE
The Disease of Disconnection: Applying Natural Lifemanship Principles to the Treatment of Substance-Use Disorders
Addiction is a disease of Disconnection. Its symptoms: Isolation, Fear and Loneliness. This workshop introduces you to a trauma-informed understanding of addiction to reveal the underlying factors that create and perpetuate the addiction cycle.
3 Hours/3 CEs
>21.5 hours of video; 12 CE Credits available
Breathing Practices for Nervous System Awareness and Regulation
This practical and engaging two-part workshop explores how bringing awareness to our breath can help us better understand ourselves, and how we can use breath deliberately to support our wellbeing and navigate challenges.
2.5 Hours/2.5 CEs
Conversation with Bonnie Badenoch, Author of The Heart of Trauma
Bonnie Badenoch, PhD, LMFT is the best selling author of The Heart of Trauma. This rich conversation ventures deeply into the science of what it means to be a healing presence for others.
2 Hours/2 CEs
Finding Your Rhythm: Therapeutic Drumming
Enhance connection through rhythm while enriching therapeutic work with people and horses. Learn a specific healing protocol including exercises for wellness, connecting to the rhythm of the group, expressing feelings, and guided imagery.
1 Hour/0 CEs
Healing Attachment Wounds through Movement
Our attachment style and way of relating in the world is developed preverbally. As such, attachment wounding must be addressed somatically. Learn how connecting to the way an embryo moves and develops can help us sense into our bodies powerfully.
1 Hour/0 CEs
Introduction to Equine Connected EMDR (EC-EMDR)
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is an effective, extensively researched method for helping people recover from trauma. Learn how Trauma-Focused EAP supports and enhances EMDR in Equine-Connected EMDR (EC-EMDR).
3 Hours/3 CEs
Mindfulness Practices to Build Connection
NL Trainer, Shannon Knapp, presents on Mindfulness Practices to Build Connection. Following the presentation, a small group gathers at an experiential workshop to learn and experience how these practices may look in session with a horse.
2 Hours/0 CEs
Preparing the Horse and Client for (Mounted) Trauma Processing
Rhythmic Riding is utilized to build an internal sense of connection and a level of integration in the brain prior to processing traumatic events. Learn to prepare horse and client for this powerful work.
4 Hours/4 CEs
Processing Trauma with the Help of Horses
How do we process trauma in a connected way with a client who is deeply dysregulated, doesn’t desire or feel connection, isn’t ready to make requests for relationship, has deep attachment wounding, and who has experienced severe trauma?
2 Hours/0 CEs
Rainy Day Activities
Have you ever wondered what to do in your sessions on a rainy day or during the long winter months? Learn how one can still do Natural Lifemanship when circumstances prevent partnering with horses.
4 Hours/4 CEs
Rhythmic Riding Demonstration
This video demonstrates how mounted work may facilitate regulation of the brain, integration, and modulation of the stress response. Completion of the Fundamentals of NL training is recommended prior to watching.
1 Hour/0 CEs
Sensorimotor Psychotherapy
Sensorimotor Psychotherapy (SP) is a trauma and attachment therapy model that focuses on the body to connect with and process traumatic material. Learn foundational tenets of Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, founded by Pat Ogden.
1 Hour/0 CEs
Somatic Experiencing, Attachment and Touch
Learn how Somatic Experiencing®, Attachment and Touch interweave in trauma treatment involving humans and equines. Includes presentation and experiential workshop.
2.25 Hours/0 CEs
Tapping into Peace: Percussive Tapping Techniques for Self-Regulation and Soothing
Learn the origins of EFT and the ways it can be effective in helping our bodies regulate around physical and emotional stress. The presenters show the tapping points involved in the technique and lead the audience through EFT.
1.5 Hours/0 CEs
The Journey into Self-Leadership: Integrating the Internal Family Systems Model with EAS
This presentation by Jenn Pagone, LCPC provides a fundamental understanding of the IFS model and how it may be effectively integrated with an equine-assisted practice informed by Natural Lifemanship.
4.5 Hours/4.5 CEs
>17 hours of video; 4 CE Credits available
Animal Welfare Issues are also Clinical Issues
Tim Jobe and Bettina Shultz-Jobe discuss how to recognize animal welfare issues, including those that lead to behavior issues and burnout. They share how a lack of awareness in this area can impact our clients.
1 Hour/0 CEs
Business Building 101
Building a business in equine-assisted services can be daunting. Let industry experts, Shannon Knapp and Bettina Shultz-Jobe be your guides! Learn about the multiple considerations that can make or break an EAS business.
3 Hours/3 CEs
Ethical Dilemmas Specific to the Field of Equine Assisted Practice and Psychotherapy
This webinar discusses the many ethical dilemmas specific to Equine Assisted Services. It is critical for practitioners to embrace strong ethical values and guidelines as they navigate the inevitable complications that arise.
1 Hour/1 CEs
Research, Program Evaluation & Documentation: A Collection of Resources
This compilation provides information and resources related to research, program evaluation, and documentation in equine-assisted services, particularly services informed by the Natural Lifemanship.
7 Hours/0 CEs
Support or Rescue
Bettina Shultz-Jobe discusses the difference between offering support and rescuing in the context of the therapeutic relationship. She discusses why this matters from a neurobiological and attachment perspective.
1 Hour/0 CEs
Take Your EA Practice to the Next Level with PonyTracker
Learn about PonyTracker: a web-based tool to help business owners of equine-assisted services stay organized with barn management, therapeutic client management, rider/student tracking, and scheduling.
1 Hour/0 CEs
The Top 5 Things Every Equine Assisted Practice Needs to Know for Business Success
Shannon Knapp and Bettina Shultz-Jobe are passionate about helping equine-assisted practitioners build businesses across the country and throughout the world. They discuss the top 5 things you need to know to be successful in this field.
1 Hour/0 CEs
Transforming Trauma: Resiliency and Healing through our Connections with Animals
Philip Tedeschi reviews some of the important ways that animals are being incorporated into clinical responses to trauma highlighting findings discussed in his book, including the neurobiological mechanisms of change in AAI.
1.5 Hours/0 CEs
Trauma Informed Care and Trauma Informed Relationships are for Everyone
The truth is that most of us have experienced some level of trauma. Trauma informed care (TIC) is about becoming empowered to organize or reorganize the brain by understanding how the brain and body develop.
1 Hour/0 CEs
>13 hours of video; 8 CE Credits available
A Journey from Parts to Self
This guided meditation led by Jenn Pagone is aimed to assist you in identifying any activated parts that are calling for your attention, and to help you attune to your body to build resiliency and increase resources.
.5 Hours/0 CEs
Breathing Practices for Nervous System Awareness and Regulation
This practical and engaging two-part workshop explores how bringing awareness to our breath can help us better understand ourselves, and how we can use breath deliberately to support our wellbeing and navigate challenges.
2.5 Hours/2.5 CEs
Building an Internal Safe Place
Learn a practice to support you in moments of acute stress and routinely throughout the day. Using psychodrama, Kate Naylor guides us as we explore and draw upon our own internal resources for strength, soothing, and support.
.5 Hours/0 CEs
Chakra Balancing
Chakra balancing is based on the ancient Indian belief in a series of seven chakras, or energy centers. Chakra balancing is believed to promote health and resilience by maximizing the flow of energy in the body. Led by Michelle Holling-Brooks.
.5 Hours/0 CEs
Connecting to Nature through Music
Experience bottom-up regulation as we connect to the elements of air, earth, water, and fire through music. Led by Mary Oliver.
.5 Hours/0 CEs
Orientation: Moving into Presence
Meeting with novelty or threats in the environment, our bodies normally react with a stress response, preventing us from being fully present. Orienting and re-orienting through our senses increases the comfort we experience in our bodies and spaces.
.5 Hours/0 CEs
Spiritual Memoir: Where a Life Meets Mystery
Memoir becomes spiritual with intention. Writing spiritual memoir, we look for holiness within the details of our personal stories, opening ourselves to transformation in the process. Presented by Elizabeth Jarrett Andrew.
1 Hour/0 CEs
Do you want access to all of this amazing content, opportunities to practice and a welcoming community of fellow practitioners and healers? Become an NL Member today. We are waiting for you!
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