by Kate Naylor | Jan 12, 2025 | Applied Principles, Equine Assisted Trainings
By Bettina Shultz-Jobe and Kate Naylor
Building Strong Roots
We have had some chaotic weather in Texas these last few years – long stretches of drought, periods of extreme heat, sudden flooding rains, and then without much warning, extreme cold.
All of us feel the strain of this uncertainty, and our beloved trees in Texas are no exception.
In the last two years since moving to the NL Headquarters, we have lost an extensive amount of trees, throughout Texas, and on our own property. Our trees are breaking off at the branches, pulling up from the roots, and dropping at an alarming rate.
Here in Brenham, Texas we love our trees. The Texas live oak can live over 1,000 years. It is green year round, as it drops its leaves in the spring at the same time that it buds new growth. There is something about these trees that inspires wonder and a confirmation deep in my soul that I am a tiny, yet very important part of something much bigger than we can ever imagine.
We are working hard to care for this place, this property, these trees. We invited an arborist from Texas Tree Services to help us keep our trees strong. What he told us really resonated with me. If the trees are to handle the rapid changes and the lack of predictability, now more than ever, they have to put their energy toward the growth of their root systems. The roots have to go deeper and wider.
Many of our trees have thrown energy into stretching their branches, and haven’t built themselves a strong foundation of roots. (It makes sense that they have done this – the way the rain has fallen and the weather has changed, the trees are going through rapid growth cycles – behavior always makes sense in context). This is going to take a significant investment of time and financial resources. The arborist will trim back the excess, while also deeply nourishing the root systems of our trees with a specially designed formula and protocol to encourage the roots to grow, while greatly limiting the outward growth of the tree for up to 3 years, in hopes that our trees will be able to weather future storms with a stronger root system.
The arborist will not make the mistake so many of us make in search of a quick fix – applying nitrogen-rich synthetic fertilizers that stimulate leaf and woody growth causing even more stress on the tree. In Texas, we have lost over 1 BILLION trees in the last 20 years. When trees survive a stressful event, they become vulnerable to secondary threats like insects, fungi, and parasites. So, while the quick fix is tempting, it only makes matters worse.
We have to grow our roots
You can see the metaphor here, right? We talk about strong foundations a lot at Natural Lifemanship. We are always asking ourselves, what really builds a strong root system? What is necessary? What is integral? Are we being true to our values, our beliefs, our roots? We find this topic so important that we even have a conference coming up in April that digs into these questions of roots, foundations, basics…
Just like our arborist, we have put great care into developing the formula, the protocol, if you will, needed to build a strong foundation, because we understand that quick fixes and unfettered outward growth only make matters worse. The trees in Texas offer a foreboding story of what happens when our root systems are not strong enough to handle the stress of our times. They also tell us a beautiful story of hope, of what is possible when our foundation carries the breath and depth needed to heal, grow, and thrive.
The Fundamentals
This is also why we call our level one training the Fundamentals of Natural Lifemanship. It is an attempt at creating a strong foundation for our students, so they can weather the ever evolving and unpredictable nature of working with animals and humans. We cannot give our community a perfect road map of the future challenges, but with a solid foundation of theory, knowledge, and practice, we know each of our students can weather future storms. When we can answer “why?” then the rest of the path unfolds as it needs to, without our forcing it.
In the Fundamentals, we begin by offering necessary information on the neurobiology of mammals, and humans specifically – we present learning on the topics of human development, attachment, equine science, trauma, and healing relationships. This information fuels our approach in session because we have a better understanding of why people and animals behave the way they do, and what they need in order to make different choices. Some of this information challenges old beliefs many of us carry – so we offer time for processing, reflection, questioning, and then finally, simple activities to put this new learning into practice (we call these two activities ‘attachment with connection’ and ‘detachment with connection’).
It is through this practice of connection during attachment (physical closeness) and detachment (physical distance), and through the conversations and the experiences with peers, trainers, and horses, that our students grapple with the fundamental aspects of what it means to grow and heal. The process of trimming away what no longer serves us, and deepening into a new understanding – not just in a cognitive sense, but in an embodied, rooted way – takes time and practice. We do this so our students can face any challenge that arises, no matter how unpredictable, because they have developed a way of showing up in relationships that is healing. We teach, not a thing to do or a formula to follow, but a reason and a way to be.
Leading with “Why”
Our intention is to offer principles that help our students ask, and then answer, the question “Why?” When we know ‘why’ something is, it becomes much clearer what we will do, and how we will do it. We explore why to develop our values and principles – questions like, why have I chosen to add horses to my work? Why do people struggle in relationships? Why do I choose one intervention over another?
As we engage in practice we lead with ‘why’ so we remain curious – why did my horse respond that way? Why do I feel these sensations in my body? Why do I keep stepping in to control this moment? We develop our beliefs for healing work with horses, and we develop our abilities to stay connected to ourselves and others – so that the “what” and “how” can be more easily answered in the moment.
These questions can feel daunting…but after our students have gained new knowledge, wrestled with their beliefs, and explored principles for healing, knowing what to do becomes much simpler. This foundation fuels the choices made in every client session in the future.
When we are faced with uncertainty like a new client, a new horse, or a new struggle it can be easy to grasp at any thing that might get us over our discomfort. As facilitators, therapists, and equine professionals, these quick fixes may look like strict rules, protocols, or prescribed activities, but, if we have been in this place before, this place of uncertainty, and we know we can handle it, grasping becomes unnecessary.
Moving through the Fundamentals is a time to begin this wrestling with uncertainty, and to hopefully realize that certainty isn’t the solution, but curiosity can be. When we meet a new client and we have our “why”s for the work we do – when we have a foundation of understanding that comes from experience – we are much more able to answer the question “What do I do next?” with creativity and an authenticity that is right for that client. This is something a protocol can never give us.
Presence is the Practice
When I was a new therapist and facilitator, I relied more heavily on activities and the specific approaches I was trained to deliver. They helped me feel confident as I engaged with my clients and my horses – structure felt like safety. It was an important piece of my journey to have external structure and safety as a brand new therapist; I felt supported enough to dive in with my clients.
What research tells us, though, is that the most effective healing and change comes from presence. From an authentic connection between two beings where understanding and care flow between them. What I began to realize was that focusing on a prescribed activity, focusing on whether or not I was “doing things right”, as well intentioned as they were, interfered with my ability to be present.
What really helped me evolve into the therapist I am now (and am still becoming) was creating a foundation of understanding and skills from solid theory, science, and experience from practice. The tools alone do not make me a good therapist, it is my prior wrestling with “why”, the experiences I have gone through to develop myself, and the ongoing practice I engage in, that make me effective.
Knowing why helps me select my approach, knowing why helps me understand when to change course. It is this foundational work that has made me – and made it possible for me to sit with, be with, my clients and my horses. It was then, in that genuine presence, that I really listened to my clients, listened to my horses, and could respond and guide them with curiosity and care. This is how we connected, this is how my clients really began to heal – from my informed presence.
Now of course, I am not perfect at this, but perfection isn’t the goal. Connection is the goal. In my sessions, being present, really listening, being available and open – these are the things I practice – the rest (the knowledge, the toolbox, the theory) is muscle memory born from hours of prior (and ongoing) development.
Roots Before Wings
There is this idea, this image, of roots and wings – that in order to live a fulfilling life we need both. We need a strong foundation, a set of beliefs that sustains us, values that guide us, principles that ground us – so that we are not tossed about in every storm. But, we also want wings – we want to feel free and unimpeded, to overcome obstacles, to be creative and open, and find our own way. Nurturing strong roots gives us the support we need to grow our wings, to stretch them and lift off.
In order for us to be strong facilitators, it is our root system we must nourish and make strong. The wings we seek come as a by-product.
It reminds me of one aspect of the research done on secure attachment – on toddlers. It was found that the secure children, the ones who felt confident to move out into the world and explore, to try new things and be open to experience were the ones who had a secure base to return to. As they walked away from their secure base, they could look over their shoulders and see someone waiting for them, cheering them on. This security in their base allowed them to spread their wings.
In research, work, and life, we see this truth repeated. A strong foundation gives us the confidence to reach and grow. A secure base for toddlers allows them to stretch themselves and explore the world. It’s the same for us as practitioners—and for our beloved Texas trees.
Here at Natural Lifemanship, we’ve been learning from the trees on our property – from how they have fallen, how they have remained standing tall, and every tree in between. The lessons they offer are powerful. The trees that survive the challenges Texas has faced are the ones that prioritize their roots.
This is what we strive to do in our Fundamentals of Natural Lifemanship training. We help you develop the deep, strong, connected roots you need to navigate the unpredictability of working with humans and equine partners alike. There is no formula for this. It’s a practice that requires presence.
If you’re ready to strengthen your foundation and nurture the roots that will sustain your growth over the long haul, we invite you to join us. Register now for Fundamentals, or join us for a webinar on January 18th to learn more.
by Bettina Shultz-Jobe, LPC, NBCC | Dec 17, 2024 | Applied Principles, Personal Growth
During the Christmas season I usually become staunchly aware of how little time there really is. I become nostalgic and. . . I drop balls. Lots of them.
I then have this, totally unhealthy, pattern that unfolds. First, I feel like an awful mother. An awful wife. An awful friend. . . employer, sister, daughter. . . .and on and on. THEN I move from shame to anger and blame.
I get pissed!
I take a little time to rage against the expectations and the patriarchy and all this commercialized ridiculousness. Seriously, this is a well-worn soapbox.
BUT, here’s the thing. The truth is that I really love this season. I love twinkle lights and candles and advent calendars and the magic of Santa Clause and the Elf on the Shelf. I love the story of Mary and Jesus so much – the journey, the birth, the gifts, and all the hope. The magic of this season brings me to tears.
AND there is just so much to do this time of year.
So, this year, as family and friends arrive, and as I make the choice to sip eggnog next to the Christmas tree, or watch one more Christmas movie with the kids, I look at a variety of things that need to be done, and say “Something’s gotta give, and this is it.”
I hope some of you resonate with this little poem I wrote the other day as I moved through my shame, anger, blame pattern, and into a little peace and acceptance.
Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and Happy Holidays – I love y’all.
Something’s Gotta Give, and This Is It.
Listen >>
The house is a wreck and the dishes are dirty.
Laundry is growing out of the couch.
Windows, baseboards, blinds, the ring inside the toilet.
Something’s gotta give and this it.
My car. (Place a dramatic and pause and audible exhale here)
Yep, something’s gotta give and this is it.
Blocks, and Legos, and crafts all over the house.
And dare I mention the squatters taking up residence inside and under my couch.
Something’s gotta give and this is it.
The biggest problems can’t be fixed in a day or even a week or two.
The dishes, the baseboards, the spilled milk in my car. . .
Have I mentioned the laundry?
Just a couple hours and these (quote) “problems” can be fixed, often with relative ease.
It is not so with our health, our relationships, or the legacy we leave.
The health of our body.
The health of the earth.
The health of the mission we painstakingly birth.
The health of our relationships with our family and friends.
These kinds of problems, quite simply, take years to mend.
Something’s gotta give, and it’s gonna be the dishes for sure.
The laundry.
The dusty baseboards and blinds.
And that DAMN STUBBORN toilet ring that abides.
So, this is my mantra.
My manifesto, if you will, during this season and throughout the coming year:
Grace to focus on what matters most and radical permission to say…
“Something’s gotta give, and this is it!”
by Rebecca Hubbard | Aug 20, 2024 | Applied Principles, Basics of Natural Lifemanship
Co-authored by Rebecca J. Hubbard & Reccia Jobe with Pecan Creek Ranch
Creating a safe place for clients to feel comfortable being themselves, free from judgment and harm, while discussing and exploring their life experiences is vital to providing effective therapy and an imperative part of the therapeutic process. However, for many clinicians and therapy teams, creating safety often stops there. Clinicians and therapy teams spend a tremendous amount of time creating an inviting and safe place for clients but put little thought into how to assist clients in developing and internalizing their own safety. If clinicians and therapy teams only focus on creating safety within their environment, and do not help clients develop their own internal safety, clients do not learn how to establish it in their own lives.
As we learn more about trauma and become trauma-informed, we must consider the impact of clinicians/therapy teams being the only generator of safety and how this can potentially recreate feelings of powerlessness and reinforce the power differential between clinicians and clients that is reminiscent of the abuser victim dynamic where one person maintains all the power.
We need to teach clinicians/therapy teams how to create a safe place and then shift the power of creating safety from the clinician to the client, making it a shared endeavor. But how do we shift the power of creating safety for the client? We begin by creating safe and brave spaces.
What is a Brave Space?
Merriam-Webster dictionary defines brave as “having or showing mental or moral strength to face danger, fear or difficulty.” To be brave, a person or being must take action to face the challenge or struggle. One cannot be brave by just thinking about doing it; being brave is the action of engaging in the struggle.
To create safety for oneself, a person has to take action. But taking action is scary, difficult, and sometimes overwhelming, so people avoid it. What if I fail? What if I make a mistake? What if someone sees me and laughs at me or takes advantage of me? However, meaningful change, the kind that changes core beliefs, long-held patterns, and attachment styles, requires action.
Clinicians/therapy teams must create spaces where clients can safely take action. We call these spaces brave spaces. In a brave space, clients are engaged in doing, making decisions, trying new ways of being, getting outside their comfort zone, and taking appropriate risks. Clients can make mistakes without fear of being shamed, humiliated, teased, or punished. They learn that mistakes are information to help them know what to keep and change. They challenge their beliefs that there is only one way to do something and learn that there are many ways to accomplish their goals. Creating this type of environment assists clients in developing within themselves their own safe place from which to grow.
Brave spaces and safe places have many components in common. They are both spaces free from judgment, shame, punishment, and humiliation. Both spaces are supportive and encouraging. Both provide the client a space to explore difficult topics with the help of a caring other. The components of a brave space are not all that different from those of a safe place. The difference is in helping the client to take action and engage in the struggle, thus building the muscles needed to be brave and create safety.
But how do you encourage clients to take action since taking action is an extremely vulnerable process? Below, we outline the components of a brave space that assists people in taking action. These components are each part of a recursive feedback loop that generates more opportunities for being brave and creating safety.
Components of a Brave Space: How to Assist Clients in Taking Action
You Are Welcome Here
It is common for clinicians//therapy teams to create a welcoming physical space or atmosphere. Still, they often forget about the role of their spirit, body, and mind in creating this atmosphere. A friend and colleague, Patricia Van Horn, Ph.D., said, “Who you are is just as important as what you do.” To create the essence of all of you is welcome here, clinicians/therapy teams must mindfully create a deep sense of welcome within their body, spirit, and mind. To do this, clinicians/therapy teams must have a genuine interest in and care for their clients. It is difficult to achieve a welcoming spirit when you dislike or are uncomfortable with someone.
Clinicians/therapy teams must find within themselves something they like or admire about a challenging client. Doing this takes work. It requires clinicians/therapy teams to identify what impedes them from finding positive regard for that client.
Clinicians/therapy teams must also be fully present in their bodies. They cannot be partially present or dissociated, even minimally. So, clinicians/therapy teams must find what they need to be fully present. Do they need to see fewer clients back-to-back without breaks? Do they need to see fewer clients per day? Do they need to alter their schedule so they work mornings or evenings? Do they need to narrow the scope of their practice? Do they need to address an issue in their own therapy? This, too, takes work. Clinicians/therapy teams must be able to take a self-assessment and be self-aware to know what they need to be fully present for their clients.
Lastly, clinicians/therapy teams must believe that their clients are capable and able to achieve health and well-being. If clinicians/therapy teams have a doubt, that doubt will show up in their bodies, spirits, and minds, and the client will feel it. The client may not be able to identify it, but they will notice it, which impedes their ability to do the work. So, if clinicians/therapy teams do not believe in a client or their ability to accomplish their goals, the clinicians/therapy teams need to determine why that is and address it themselves or refer the client. Clinicians/therapy teams need to have deep faith in their client’s abilities because clients need that level of support to take the risks they need to take to achieve their goals.
Be Authentic/Genuine and Encourage Authenticity/Genuineness
Many years ago, training programs taught clinicians to offer their clients a “tabula rasa,” a blank slate, for clients to paint onto clinicians whatever they wished. Some schools of thought still prescribe this way of being in the therapeutic relationship. However, we find that being a blank slate impedes the client’s ability to engage in the risk-taking that is necessary to change their lives.
In our work, we have discovered that it is essential for clinicians/therapy teams to be authentic and present in the therapeutic relationship to create the kind of environment needed for growth and change. Being authentic means, clinicians/therapy teams experience emotions, own their emotions, apologize when they are wrong or when they have been hurtful, ask for and engage in “do-overs,” and show genuine feelings for clients. To do this well and maintain appropriate boundaries, clinicians/therapy teams must do their own work. We feel it is not fair or appropriate to ask clients to do something their clinician/therapy team has not done or is unwilling to do.
Encouraging clients to be authentic and genuine is a moment-by-moment endeavor that clinicians/therapy teams must approach with compassion and welcome. Allowing the client to express genuine thoughts and emotions is essential and sometimes difficult. Since most clients are just starting this process, they can be harsh when sharing their thoughts and feelings. It is important for clinicians/therapy teams to refrain from taking this personally and remember that the client is learning how to communicate effectively and needs the space to do it imperfectly so they can learn.
Also, clinicians/therapy teams need to remember to see this as a process and see the client’s behavior through the lens of positive intent. Doing so will help clinicians/therapy teams respond in ways that are helpful to the client on their journey of being authentic and genuine and not shut down their clients. That does not mean clinicians/therapy teams cannot discuss how the client’s words or actions impacted them as the relationship grows. Clients often are unaware of how their words or behavior impact others. By understanding how they impacted the clinician/therapy team, clients can experience a deeper relationship rooted in genuine care and growth that nurtures the client and their ability to foster meaningful relationships in their lives. When clients and clinicians/therapy teams can be authentic, further integration and healing occur.
Be Vulnerable and Encourage Vulnerability
No one likes being vulnerable. This openness with another can create fear of rejection and harm. To work in a brave space, clients and clinicians/therapy teams must be vulnerable. We can create an environment where clients feel more at ease being vulnerable when clinicians/therapy teams appropriately show vulnerability. Clinicians/therapy teams should not ask clients to be vulnerable when they are unwilling to do so themselves. Vulnerability fosters connection and compassion. An excellent way for clinicians/therapy teams to be vulnerable is to show their humanity by admitting to their mistakes and making meaningful repairs. When clinicians/therapy teams do this, they are showing the client the power of vulnerability and how it strengthens the relationship.
Another way clinicians/therapy teams can be vulnerable is by sharing a brief experience of when they similarly struggled. Sharing this experience can have the power to humanize the clinician/therapy team and the client’s experiences. However, these disclosures must be brief, accessible, and meaningful to clients. They must contribute to the work and not detract from it. If self-disclosure is about the clinician/therapy team and not the client, then disclosing is inappropriate.
When done wrong, self-disclosure can derail the therapy and negatively impact the therapeutic relationship. When done well, self-disclosure reveals the client’s struggle to be a human struggle and produces the feeling that we are in this together.
Another way of creating an environment in which it is safe to be vulnerable is to honor any attempts at vulnerability by demonstrating to the client that the clinician/therapy team will not reject or harm them. How a clinician/therapy team responds with their actions, words, and energy will either show the client it is safe to be vulnerable or shut down further attempts at vulnerability.
Hold with Compassion
Of course, none of these components would be helpful if clinicians/therapy teams shamed or punished themselves or their clients for actions, behaviors, or beliefs. Clinicians/therapy teams must create an environment of compassion and curiosity so that clinicians/therapy teams and clients are free to try new things. Having a compassionate-curious stance provides the opportunity to carefully examine actions, behaviors, and beliefs in a non-threatening manner. It also allows for the possibility of new understanding, a different perspective, and alternative actions that improve relationships with self and others and shed the cloak of toxic shame that suffocates so many.
How do clinicians/therapy teams hold with compassion and become curious about themselves, their clients, and their experiences? First, they must examine their reactions and learn their impact on themselves and others. They must identify the harmful ways they engage with themselves and give themselves kindness and compassion for their experiences before they can help clients see their patterns and provide clients with compassion. They must understand that their experiences of suffering, failing, and feeling inadequate are part of the human experience. They must hold these feelings gently and give themselves understanding and kindness while addressing the changes that need to occur.
If clinicians/therapy teams do not practice self-compassion, the experience they provide clients is incomplete. When compassion is only from the neocortex, it inadvertently teaches clients the “words” of compassion but not the whole meaning and experience of compassion.
Create Meaningful Connection
In a nutshell, therapy is about creating meaningful connections with self and others. Clinicians/therapy teams can facilitate meaningful connections by meeting clients where they are and understanding their unique experiences and perspectives. They can assume positive intent of clients’ actions and behaviors, be in the struggle with clients, and hold contradictory ideas with compassion, showing clients that they truly understand, care, and have compassion for them.
When clinicians/therapy teams do this, they teach clients how to do the same for themselves. They can explore and hold dear clients’ spiritual practices and actively bring their spirituality into sessions, conveying to clients the importance of their whole selves.
Clinicians/therapy teams can listen to clients with their whole selves (bodies and neo-cortexes) instead of just their thinking brains and hear more than the words that clients convey, which leads to a deeper understanding of clients and their experiences. When clinicians/therapy teams use this ability to listen to clients’ whole selves (bodies and words), clients feel deeply seen and can begin to hear all of themselves.
When clinicians/therapy teams notice, for instance, that a client’s body is saying no but their words are saying yes, and they pause to listen to the client’s body instead of ignoring it, they are teaching the client to listen too. Their actions convey that the client’s body signals are important information that should not be ignored or minimized. When clinicians/therapy teams help clients connect with themselves in these ways, clients discover things about themselves and their experiences that they were unaware of before. They may find new strengths, beliefs, and values or discover new fears, concerns, or worries. As clients learn how to honor and listen to what their bodies are telling them, they become more compassionate and understanding of themselves, and they become safer.
All of these practices help clients feel profoundly understood and build trust with the clinician/therapy team, laying the groundwork for clients to connect with themselves and treat themselves with compassion. Having compassion for oneself allows for deeper connection and compassion for others.
A Million Other Ways
Many people believe there are only a few “right” ways to do something. This belief contributes to self-judgment and shame. It stifles creativity and problem-solving ability, leading to powerlessness and an external locus of control. It removes the ability to learn how to take appropriate risks. At its most dangerous, this belief causes us to become immobilized with fear and overcome with depression. It ceases our growth.
Helping people understand that there are unlimited ways to do something frees them up to be themselves, think outside the box, and take risks that can help them grow. People often have difficulty changing their mindset that there are unlimited ways to achieve something because they were taught as children that there are right and wrong ways to do something. This is a difficult notion to let go of, so it is easier to focus on whether something is working for clients and whether it is good for their relationships with themselves and others. Rather than determining whether or not what they did was “right.” Natural Lifemanship teaches that if it is not good for one person in the relationship, it is eventually not good for either person.
We often run into the mindset that there is only one right way. We explain to clients our belief that there are millions of ways to do things, then ask them to try. We accept their attempts as long as they are not dangerous to the clients or others.
We once had a client who did not know how to put a halter on her horse, so she hung the halter off the horse’s ear and asked the horse to follow her to the barn. To the surprise of many, the horse followed the client to the barn despite the client using the halter differently. The client didn’t have to learn how to put the halter on because we were not teaching horsemanship. Instead, we were doing therapy and trying to change negative patterns. The fact that the client attempted something was helpful because she was learning how to experiment and let go of thought patterns that kept her stuck. That she successfully got her horse to the barn delighted her and gave her confidence that her ideas could work.
Clients are often fearful of trying and making a mistake, so they ask how to do something. When we encounter this, we remind clients that there is no right way to do it. Often, this statement frees them to try. We teach clients to see “mistakes” and “failures” as information received about what worked and what did not work and to use this information in their next attempt. There is no judgment or determination about whether the attempt was good or bad.
If clients ask for help, we ask them to try their best before assisting. If, after trying with some trial and error, clients still request help, we ask what type of help they want or need. Once the client identifies the help needed, we provide it as directed by the client. Usually, when people dismiss the idea that there is one right way and they actually try, they are successful. The more clients are allowed to figure things out on their own and do it their way, the more they try to do things and the more powerful they feel about making decisions in their lives.
Connect to the Body & Practice Exercising Good Decision Making
Clients who have experienced repeated abuse are more likely to be re-victimized. There are many ways to think about why this may occur. One idea is when individuals experience repeated abuse by a loved one, they often have to push down or ignore their alarm system to maintain the relationship. Years of ignoring the body’s response disconnects clients from the physiological responses of their body’s threat assessment, making it very difficult to recognize unsafe situations. All the clues clients use to determine whether a situation is safe or dangerous have become confused or silenced because their system was overridden repeatedly, eventually producing a dissociated system.
Helping clients reconnect to their bodies and alarm systems by recognizing what their bodies are doing in response to specific situations and helping them learn how to interpret that information correctly is vital for their future safety. Clients often push through uncomfortable situations because it is a pattern of behavior for them and because clients believe it is what the clinician/therapy team expects of them. It is vital that clinicians/therapy teams stop a client and ask the client what is happening in their body when clinicians/therapy teams notice even the slightest discomfort. When clinicians/therapy teams do this, it assists clients in learning to listen to their bodies, and it builds trust between clients and clinicians/therapy teams because clinicians/therapy teams are listening deeply to their clients’ experiences. Clients, then, are able to make decisions that are protective and healthy for themselves and act on that information in a way that is good for their relationship with themselves and, ultimately, with others. As clients learn how to connect, read their own signals, and respond in a healthy, protective manner for themselves, their safety increases, and their relationships become healthier, too.
Allow Struggle
Clinicians/therapy teams must allow clients to practice these ideas and learn to take appropriate risks. It is important to allow clients to struggle while monitoring their window of tolerance. Allowing for struggle provides the opportunity for clients to overcome and own their power. Being fully present while clients struggle offers tremendous, genuine support and a powerful quality of being deeply seen.
Many clinicians/therapy teams are uncomfortable allowing clients to struggle because this feels like allowing suffering. But it is much like the butterfly who beats his wings against the cocoon to get stronger. If the butterfly is freed from the cocoon rather than bursting out on its own, it dies.
Clients need supportive struggle to get stronger. When clinicians/therapy teams allow clients to struggle while providing them with tremendous emotional support, clients discover that they have a broken belief system (I am not smart enough. I am not good enough. I can’t do anything.) that impedes their success. Once identified, this belief system can be repaired and healed through successfully overcoming struggles.
It is important to scaffold tasks so clients can succeed and have more opportunities to stay within their window of tolerance. The goal of doing is not perfection; it is healing the broken belief systems that free clients to take control of their lives and develop healthier relationships with themselves, others, and the world.
Saying No
Clinicians/therapy teams often overlook the importance of clients being able to say “no.” If clients cannot say no to something, they cannot give a true yes. No, is the barometer of choice and safety. If clients can say no to a clinician/therapy team and it is respected, clients have a choice in what the clinician/therapy team asks them to do. The client then can make the choice that they feel is best for them in the moment, which increases safety. If the client cannot say no, the clinician/therapy team requires the client to submit to their will, which decreases safety and can reinforce old, abusive relational patterns.
This is so important in our practice that we go over this in our intake. We tell clients that they have the power to answer or decline to answer questions and to decide what and how much to tell us. We practice them telling us, “I do not want to answer that,” and we show them what our response will be. We do this until we see that the client’s body is relaxed and able to set this boundary with us. Even with this practice, we know most clients will struggle to say, “I don’t want to answer that.” So, we listen with our whole selves, and when we notice a client’s discomfort, we ask, “Do you want to answer that question?” and remind them they have the right not to. Some clients test us and say, “I don’t want to answer that” to every question we ask. This usually only lasts for a session or two until they see that we actually accept their boundary.
Relationships are More Important Than Tasks
Helping clients understand that relationships are always more important than tasks (Natural Lifemanship principle) is a fundamental shift for most people. Most clients are more focused on the task at hand than on the relationship, which can cause them to make decisions when working on a task that negatively impacts their relationship.
When the value, relationship is more important than task, is applied, it strengthens their ability to have healthy relationships. When clients are practicing new skills, clinicians/therapy teams help clients by identifying times when clients are ignoring the relationship to complete the task, which invariably is harmful to the relationship in the long term. It is a skill to negotiate both the relationship and the task, and it requires a great deal of practice.
Do (Practice Practice Practice)
It is not enough to talk about change, being brave, or telling people there are unlimited ways to do things. Clinicians/therapy teams must provide clients with lots of time to practice being different within this supportive environment. When clients practice new things and new ways of being, they are being brave. This feeling of bravery and the experience of being brave goes with them each time they leave sessions. The more experiences clients have, the braver they become.
Create a Continual Learning Environment
In order to practice and have the freedom to try, to make mistakes, and to try something else, there has to be an environment of continual learning. This environment is fueled by curiosity, wonder, excitement, or anticipation for what will happen when we try something. No matter what happens, it is noticed and folded back in to understand the experience better. There is no judgment about what happened. There is no evaluation of whether what happened was right, wrong, good, or bad. We observe the outcome and use the information to decide on the next steps. An environment of continual learning creates within the client an attitude of continual learning that, like “a million ways,” frees clients to try new things and find their own answers.
In summary, when clinicians/therapy teams take the time to create brave spaces in addition to safe spaces, they give clients the power to create safety in their own lives, which allows clients to grow faster, become stronger, and engage in relationships with themselves and others in more healthy ways.
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