Just yesterday while tacking up my horse, I was reminded how easy it is to mistake dissociation for cooperation. It is horse fly season around here, and we are currently inundated with a particularly vicious breed of huge, black, bloodsuckers. These savages pack a painful sting that I have experienced myself way too many times.
There I was, brushing down my horse Partner, when suddenly he was attacked by one of these nasty predators. I couldn’t see the fly, but Partner frantically whipped his tail around as he kicked and danced with his hind feet trying to get away from his tormentor. He was attached to a lead rope I was holding, and I went with his movement as I tried to locate and kill the offending vampire. He continued kicking at his sheath, so I finally reached up to make sure the fly had not landed inside, as they sometimes tend to do. Discovering an unpleasant “goo” that had accumulated on an extra hot and humid day, I only did a brief check before withdrawing my hand.
As I cleaned off my hand with a wipe, Partner became very still, so I hoped that the fly had gone away. I put on his saddle pad and saddle, and when I attached the girth, I noticed how very still he remained. We have been working on comfortable acceptance of the girth, so as I progressively tightened it, I thought, “Wow, maybe he’s finally getting it! Maybe he realizes this is just no big deal! Maybe his ulcer medication helped! Maybe he appreciated my efforts to help him remove that fly!” I was feeling optimistic that we had crossed a training milestone, but what I did not realize was that he was not cooperating…he was simply not there. He was, in fact, frozen.
This became obvious when, once he was bridled and ready to ride, he swatted his tail at his sheath again. I decided I really needed to check that out one last time just in case there was a fly in there, but this time I grabbed a rag and covered my hand before going in. Sure enough, with more extensive exploration, I located one of those gigantic critters inside. I pinched the fly hard and yanked him out. The rag had a big blood spot around the now squashed fly, and I felt awful that Partner had just been standing there suffering for so long while that evil bug feasted on my sweet friend’s tender flesh.
Luckily he was not seriously impaired by his small but painful injury, and we went on to have a pleasant ride. But the experience did influence the ride, because I continued contemplating how often this horse may have appeared to be cooperative when really he was just offering the sort of compliance that comes with dissociation. As a rider, it is so easy to respond in ways that shut down expression rather than looking deeper for what is really happening with the horse. Partner had just shown me how much immediate pain he is able to ignore, and I feel as if I have been put on notice that I must always encourage him to express himself so that I respond as a good partner should. I also had to acknowledge that I have not established the sort of relationship with him where he would continue asking for help rather shutting down when he decided I couldn’t or wouldn’t help.
As a therapist, I was reminded of how often in relationships, especially between parents and children, we mistake submission for cooperation. When we assume that everything is good just because the child is compliant, we often miss important information and fail to notice subtle messages that would reveal the root of problems the child may be experiencing. Becoming attuned to the difference between compliance, which comes from the survival part of the brain, and cooperation, which comes from the “thinking” part of the brain, begins with noticing the contrast between an individual who is frozen vs. one who is consciously choosing to cooperate with a request.
Rather than being attuned when Partner got very still, I became task-oriented thinking it was great that things were going so smoothly. And yet he was hurting inside the entire time…if I had just noticed that his eyes were a bit vacant, or his breathing a bit shallow, I might have continued exploring whether that fly had really gone away. Sometimes we have to stop and consider whether we are really attuned to the other and accurately interpreting their signals in order to build and deepen our relationship.
Many equine professionals have a difficult time identifying the difference between compliance/ submission and cooperation in a horse.
This is an important skill to develop for your work in the Natural Lifemanship model, whether you are practicing TF-EAP, teaching riding lessons, training your horses, or coaching a client in professional or personal growth and development. If you’ve been to a Fundamentals of Natural Lifemanship training, you may recall your trainers talking about the difference between compliance and cooperation. You may have experienced the difference in your round-pen work with the horses at your training.
Neurobiologically, in both humans and horses, the difference between compliance and cooperation is dependent on which part of the brain the behavior or action is coming from. If the action is done out of alarm, fear, or terror, it is originating in the lower regions of the brain, and is, therefore, compliance (I can’t escape this pressure or fight it and remain safe, so I must submit to it in order to survive).
Remember that compliance is an adaptive survival response. Cooperation is a whole-brain resilient response. Cooperation happens when the lower regions of the brain are regulated and the higher regions of the brain are able to communicate and respond appropriately. The horse makes a choice to cooperate, rather than doing what you’ve requested because he feels he must to survive.
In order to help you identify when dissociation or compliance is happening with your horse in your TF-EAP sessions or with your work with him, I have compiled a list of 6 outward signs you can observe that may indicate your horse is complying, submitting, and dissociating. This is not an exhaustive list, and is not meant to stand alone.
Please don’t walk away from this list believing that any time a horse shows any of these signs, it means he’s dissociative. Use your, your mental health professional’s, and your client’s discernment in understanding what is happening in the horse within the context of the relationships at play. This list assumes observation of a horse in good physical condition with no known health problems (horses with chronic pain or health problems are likely to be dissociating from this pain on a regular basis).
1. Your horse’s body looks relaxed, eyes may even be softened and closed, but the jaw is tense and tight. He may show excessive licking and chewing, sometimes exaggerating these movements.
2. Right before the horse did what was requested, the horse was resisting (running or fighting) and began licking and chewing during the resistance right before he did what was requested. Imagine a horse running around a round pen when you are asking for attachment. He runs and runs, begins licking and chewing while running, then suddenly turns towards you and starts walking toward you. That’s compliance, not cooperation.
3. Your horse is complying with your request but is showing other signs of discomfort or tension such as: rapid breathing, wide eyes, whites of eyes showing, tightness in jaw, tightness around pole and ears, stiff and/or jerky movements, or head held very high with a tight neck.
4. Your horse does what you have asked, then as soon as the request or pressure is released, he moves away from you as quickly as he can.
5. Your horse does what you have asked, but when you change the request or change the pressure (increase or decrease) he doesn’t seem to notice. He may even appear to be falling asleep at this time.
6. Your horse quickly starts falling asleep while standing up to the point that he is losing balance, his knees are buckling, and he is falling to the ground, sometimes hitting his nose on the ground before he appears to notice what is happening. His knees buckle and he may even rest on his knees with his rear still up and eyes still closed for a few seconds before either falling all the way down or jerking his eyes open and head up before standing back up. This can look and feel like your horse has fainted or passed out.
This one is seen less often because it is a more extreme form of dissociation for a horse. In my experience, this can be a good indication that this horse has a very strong pattern of dissociation and had likely been acting in a state of compliance and submission long before you observed this behavior.
Reccia Jobe partners with therapists to offer TF-EAP. She also does equine assisted personal development and life coaching. For more information visit www.pecancreekeap.com
To learn more on this subject join us at Interconnected 2020 October 21st – 25th – a virtual conference hosted by Natural Lifemanship – and participate in the following workshops:
Mental health professionals are taught to create a safe place for their clients, so clients can feel comfortable being themselves, and discussing and exploring their experiences. Creating a safe place is a central tenant and an imperative part of the therapeutic process. It does, however, have a potential negative impact particularly for clients who have histories of complex trauma. The long term downfall to clinicians being the generator of a safe place is that it does not go with the clients when they leave the office. Since the safe space is generated by the clinician clients do not know how to establish it in their own lives.
Being safe is an important part of healing. But we are not being as effective as we need to be if the only place a client feels safe is in our offices. What if we changed our approach? What if we initially created a safe place then shifted toward creating a brave space? A brave space is a place where clients can make mistakes without fear of being shamed, humiliated, teased or punished. Where they can try new things, take appropriate risks, and understand that there are unlimited ways to do whatever they are trying to accomplish. Creating this type of environment assists clients in developing within themselves their own safe place from which to grow. If we change our focus from only creating safe spaces to creating safe and brave spaces, then clients are able to take from the experience what they need in their lives and grow safe places within themselves.
How to create a brave space
The components of a brave space are not all that different from the components of a safe place. The difference is in the doing. The components are a recursive feedback loop that generates more and more opportunities for being brave.
Essential Components of a brave space:
You Are Welcome Here – It is common for people to create a welcoming physical space or atmosphere but they forget about the welcoming of spirit, body, and mind. In order to create the essence, all of you is welcome here, a clinician must mindfully create within their body, spirit, and mind a deep sense of welcome. A friend and colleague, Patricia Van Horn, Ph.D., said, “Who you are is just as important as what you do” in the therapeutic process. In the welcome is the belief that clients are fully capable of learning how to be effective and healthy in this world.
Be Authentic/Genuine and Encourage Authenticity/Genuineness – Many years ago, clinicians were trained to offer to their clients a “tabula rasa,” a blank slate, for clients to paint upon whatever they wished. Some schools of thought still prescribe to this way of being in the therapeutic relationship. We have found that it is important to be authentic in the therapeutic relationship in order to create the kind of environment we want for growth and change. Being authentic means clinicians experience emotions, own their emotions, apologize when they are wrong or have been hurtful, ask for and engage in “do-overs” and show genuine feelings for clients. We believe that clinicians also must do their own work on having healthy relationships and working in a brave space. We feel it is not fair or appropriate to ask clients to do something their clinician has not done or is unwilling to do.
Encouraging clients to be their authentic selves and to be genuine is a moment by moment endeavor that must be approached with compassion and welcoming. Allowing the client to express genuine thoughts and emotions is important and sometimes difficult. Since most clients are just starting with this process, the sharing of their feelings and thoughts can be harsh. Remembering to see this process through the lens of positive intent is important so that you can respond in ways that are helpful to the client on their journey of being authentic and genuine. When clients are able to be their authentic-selves, further integration and healing occur.
Be Vulnerable and Encourage Vulnerability – No one really likes being vulnerable. This openness with another creates fear of rejection, and of being hurt. In order to work in a brave space, clients must be vulnerable. Clinicians should not ask a client to be vulnerable when they are unwilling to do so themselves. Vulnerability fosters connection and compassion. An excellent way to be vulnerable is to show your humanness by admitting to your mistakes and asking for “do-overs.” Sometimes it is appropriate to share a brief experience of when you struggled in order to humanize clients’ experiences. It is important that these disclosures be brief, accessible and meaningful to clients. It is important that these disclosures contribute to the work that is occurring and do not detract from it. This is a difficult balance because too much self-disclosure not only derails the therapy but negatively impacts the therapeutic relationship. If self-disclosure is about you and not the client, then it is not appropriate to disclose. When done well self-disclosure produces the feeling of we are in this together.
Hold with Compassion– Of course, none of these components would be helpful if we shame or punish ourselves or our clients for actions, behaviors or beliefs. In order to be free to try new things, there must be an environment of compassion and curiosity in which understanding is sought for how an action or a series of actions impact relationship with self and others. Having a compassionate-curious stance provides the opportunity to carefully examine actions, behaviors, and beliefs in a non-threatening manner that allows for the possibility of new understanding, a different perspective and alternative actions that improve our relationships with self and others and that shed the cloak of shame that suffocates so many.
Create Meaningful Connection – Clinicians are taught to develop rapport, to make connections with clients. Making a connection with clients is fundamental to the therapy process. There are many layers to a connection. Meeting clients where they are and developing a connection that is meaningful for clients is the foundation for them being able to connect with themselves. When clients make a deep connection with their mind, body, and spirit they are able to be self-compassionate. Having compassion for oneself allows for deeper connection and compassion for others. Allowing for and using the strength of clients’ spiritual practices is another way to foster connections. Spiritual practices that encourage disconnection, and are punishing make it challenging for clients to develop self-compassion.
A Million Ways – Many people believe that there are only a few “right” ways to do something. This belief contributes to self-judgment and shame. It stifles creativity and problem-solving ability, leading to powerlessness and an external locus of control. It removes the ability to learn how to take appropriate risk. At its most dangerous this belief causes us to become immobilized with fear and overcome with depression. It ceases our growth. Helping people understand that there are unlimited ways to do something frees them up to be themselves, to think outside of the box and to take risks that help them grow. It allows them to connect their exploration of who I am or who I want to be with what I need to do in order to achieve that.
Thinking this way is difficult because most of us were taught that there are right and wrong ways to do something. Focusing on whether something is working for clients, and whether it is good for the relationship to self and others is more helpful than determining whether or not what they did was “right.” Natural Lifemanship teaches that if it is not good for one person in the relationship then it is not good for either person in the relationship.
When clients are fearful of trying and ask how to do something, reminding clients that there is no right way is a powerful value and often frees them to try. “Mistakes” and “failures” are viewed as information received about what worked and what did not work and this information contributes to the next attempt.
What if clients ask for help? It is important to ask clients to try their best before interfering by helping. If after trying with some trial and error, clients still request help, an inquiry can be made into what type of help they want or need. Help can then be given as clients direct. Usually, when people dismiss the idea that there is one right way and they actually try, they are successful. The more clients are given the opportunity to figure things out on their own and do it their way, the more they try to do things and the more powerful they feel about decisions in their lives.
Connect to the Body & Practice Exercising Good Decision Making – Clients who have experienced repeated abuse are more likely to be re-victimized. There are many ways to think about why this may occur. One idea is when individuals experience repeated abuse by a loved one, they often have to push down or ignore their alarm system in order to maintain the relationship. Years of ignoring the body’s response disconnect clients from the physiological responses of their bodies’ assessment of threat making it very difficult for them to recognize situations that are unsafe. All the clues we use to determine whether a situation is safe or dangerous have either become confused or silenced because the system was overridden time and time again, eventually producing a dissociated system. Helping clients reconnect to their bodies and alarm systems by recognizing what their bodies are doing in response to specific situations, and helping them learn how to interpret that information correctly is vital for their future safety. Then, practicing making a decision that is protective and healthy for themselves and acting on that information in a way that is good for their relationship with themselves and ultimately with others. As they learn how to connect, read their own signals and respond in a healthy, protective manner for themselves, their safety increases and their relationships become healthier too.
Do (Practice Practice Practice) – It is not enough to talk about being brave or to tell people there are unlimited ways to do things. Clinicians must be able to give clients opportunities to practice this value and to see for themselves that there are indeed unlimited ways to accomplish a task. This allows clients to learn to take appropriate risks. It is important to allow clients to struggle while monitoring their window of tolerance. Allowing for struggle gives the opportunity for clients to overcome and to own their own power. Being fully present while clients struggle offers tremendous, genuine support and a powerful quality of being deeply seen. Many clinicians are uncomfortable allowing clients to struggle because this feels like allowing suffering. But it is much like the butterfly who beats his wings against the cocoon to get stronger. If the butterfly is freed from the cocoon rather than bursting out on his own, he dies. Clients need supportive struggle to get stronger too. When clients are allowed to struggle while receiving tremendous emotional support, they discover that within themselves they have a broken belief system (I am not smart enough. I am not good enough. I can’t do anything.) that must be repaired in order for them to be successful. Each success contributes to the healing of the belief system. It is important to scaffold tasks so that clients can be successful and have more of an opportunity to stay within their window of tolerance. The goal of doing is not perfection rather it is healing the broken belief system that frees clients to take control of their lives and develop healthier relationships with self, others and the world.
Helping clients understand that relationships are always more important than tasks (Natural Lifemanship principle) is a fundamental shift for most people. Most clients are more focused on the task at hand than on the relationship which can cause clients to make decisions when working on a task that negatively impact their relationship. When the value that relationship is more important than task is applied it strengthens their ability to have healthy relationships. When clients are practicing new skills clinicians help clients by identifying times when they are ignoring the relationship to complete the task which invariably is harmful to the relationship in the long term. It is a skill to be able to negotiate both the relationship and the task and it requires a great deal of practice. When clients practice new things and new ways of being, they are being brave. This feeling of bravery and the experience of being brave goes with them when they leave the office.
Create a Continual Learning Environment – In order to practice and have the freedom to try, to make mistakes, and to try something else, there has to be an environment of continual learning. This environment is fueled by curiosity, wonder, and excitement or anticipation for what will happen. No matter what happens it is noticed and folded back in to better understand the experience. An environment of continual learning creates an attitude of continual learning that, like a million ways, frees clients to try new things and to find their own answers.
In summary when a brave space is provided clients learn how to take the reins of their life and move forward in ways that are healthier for them.
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