by Laura McFarland | Mar 20, 2020 | Applied Principles, Personal Growth
I think most of us are familiar with the sensation of panic: Whether it’s a brief moment of panic like when you realize you forgot an important date – like your anniversary or your mother’s birthday or a critical deadline at work; or a sudden, heightened moment of panic when you fear something horrible is about to happen, or when something frightening is indeed happening.
I remember back to a time in my early 20s when I was in charge of a produce department at a small collectively owned food coop in San Francisco. I was charged with buying the produce which meant I started work at 4am each day by driving the store’s ancient pick up truck to the produce warehouse district in San Francisco to pick up enough food to get us through each day or the weekend, tops. As anyone familiar with San Francisco can imagine, we didn’t have a whole lot of space in our little store. Certainly not enough space to store weeks or even days worth of inventory. I confidently accepted the position based on my qualifications of having worked on an organic farm. I knew how to plant and harvest vegetables – how hard could it be to buy and sell them?
I will never forget one day during my first week as a produce buyer. I returned to the store after my trip to the wholesale market that morning only to be met with the incredulous look of my produce-buying predecessor, who inquired with raised brows, “you bought how many cases of cucumbers?? And you bought zero cases of….????” Fill in the blank with any essential produce item besides cucumbers and it’s likely I didn’t buy it that day.
In this scenario the sense of panic I experienced occurred after the fact and was tied with the realization that, 1) I messed up and, 2) that I didn’t, actually, have a clue as to how much of anything I needed to buy each day. I had no experience upon which to base this knowledge. I didn’t know what I didn’t know, and once I knew what I didn’t know, this caused some minor panic and anxiety. Would I even be able to do this job well?? Not knowing how many cucumbers we actually needed to get through the day, my rather blind decision to purchase way too much was also based on fear – the fear of running out. Of course, there is no greater teacher than the humility of recognizing how little we actually know, so I actually went on to enjoy a long and reasonably successful first career in the produce industry.
For our species, all variations of panic and anxiety have one thing in common – they are a byproduct of the evolved human brain. In a recent NY Times article entitled, “A Brain Hack to Break the Coronavirus Anxiety Cycle,”author and psychiatrist, Justin Brewer, MD, gives a wonderfully parsimonious description of the difference between fear and anxiety (together with its close relative, panic). Fear helps us survive. It is a conditioned response in which we learn to avoid life-threatening situations. The more primitive areas of the brain allow us to experience fear and thus survive as a species. Fear is tied intimately with the flight or fight response we share in common with other mammals. The wonderful thing about fear is its immediacy. It is triggered and we react. The reason fear has helped us survive is that it bypasses the thinking part of our brain. If we stopped to think about what we are afraid of, our reactions may come too late. It has to be immediate, and once the danger has passed, the fear subsides as well.
Anxiety (and panic) on the other hand, is a product of our prefrontal cortex – the most recently evolved layer of the human brain responsible for abstract reasoning, creativity, and planning. While our bodies are responding appropriately to a fear response, our prefrontal cortexes are busy cataloguing the experience in our memory banks and assigning meaning to it. The prefrontal cortex is like an executive director (literally responsible for executive functioning). It processes various sources of information made available by other regions of the brain, searches the memory banks, and it makes predictions about what will happen in the future. Importantly, as Brewer states, “If information is lacking, our prefrontal cortex lays out different scenarios about what might happen, and guesses which will be most likely. It does this by running simulations based on previous events that are most similar. Enter anxiety. Defined as ‘a feeling of worry, nervousness or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome,’ anxiety comes up when our prefrontal cortexes don’t have enough information to accurately predict the future. Without accurate information, it is easy for our brains to spin stories of fear and dread.”
I’d like to pause for a minute to draw our attention to these two distinct experiences of fear: 1) there is fear that is cued by something in the environment – something we’ve learned to avoid – like touching a hot burner; and 2) there is fear that is cued by our very own thought processes, which spin stories of fear and dread when there is not enough reliable information with which to make predictions. Both types of fear are experienced in our bodies as different felt sensations. The first type of fear may cause a rush of adrenaline with increased heart rate and respiration as our bodies naturally and immediately prepare for fight or flight. The second type of fear – that associated with anxiety – causes an increase in cortisol and a more general and pervasive sense of nervousness and unease.
In the state of anxiety, our rational mind is stuck, like the little spinning wheel on our computer screens, overwhelmed by processing demands and not able to respond appropriately or function.
To make matters worse, anxiety is contagious. Brewer goes on to say, “our own anxiety can be cued or triggered simply by talking to someone else who is anxious.” Our unease triggers another’s unease. This is also evolutionary. We are social animals, after all, who take our cues for safety and for danger from other members of our species.
So what can we do right now in the midst of this global pandemic and economic paralysis to ease our anxieties, and those of others? There are several things we can do, actually. But first, let’s start with the things that won’t work:
- When we are in a heightened state of anxiety, it will not work to try and reason our way out of it. Why? Because the very part of our brain that is able to reason is offline, or if you prefer a different computer metaphor, frozen like a spinning wheel. We need to reboot, which is something we’ll address shortly.
- Compulsively seeking out new information on social media will not work to ease our anxiety. Why? Because sorting out “real” or “relevant” information from noise and the echoes of a panic-stricken populace all require critical thinking and a well functioning prefrontal cortex. See #1. Further, the more we consume social media, the more vulnerable we are to social contagion. And finally, the way our anxious brains work is to take any new source of information and find within it the one iota of information that appears to confirm our worse fears. It’s so hard, I know, but please ask yourself how much constantly refreshing your Facebook and Twitter feeds are helping you sleep and think clearly right now.
- Stockpiling toilet paper and other goods will not put your mind at ease – although it will probably clutter up your house, considerably. Why? It will never be enough. We don’t know enough to know what is enough so we’ll never be able to experience the sense of safety and security that accompanies certainty. Our brain’s response to uncertainty is the problem, not a shortage of toilet paper. And there’s another reason – as we fill up our shopping carts with toilet paper, we are sending a signal to all the other shoppers around us that there is something to panic about, and they will start filling up theirs, too. See #2. Social contagion will continue to infect us and everyone around us until the dreaded toilet paper shortage is a self-fulfilling prophecy. On another note, I truly wish I owned stock in toilet paper companies right now.
What, then, are some ways to cope with this truly novel, ambiguous, confusing situation and the anxiety it produces, right now?
- Notice it. The first step is awareness. Awareness creates some wiggle room between stimulus and response. It disrupts the vicious cycle of uncertainty leading to fear -> seeking confirmation of fears -> picking up on social cues of others who are also experiencing fears -> acting irrationally based on fears -> cueing others to act irrationally based on fears -> which then heighten my own sense of fear. Repeat. We need to hit the pause button. Awareness allows you to see that button and gives you the opportunity to hit it. Each of us has some level of awareness but how we are able to access it at will and especially under duress is a function of practice. Mindfulness and meditation practices abound. If it works for you, it works. Just pick one and practice. Consider your trips to Walmart an opportunity to practice awareness of your own impulses. Notice. And when you notice, hit pause.
- Welcome it. Say what?!? Allow me to clarify. Welcome the feeling – the anxiety – not the situation. Why welcome something that we experience as so uncomfortable and unsettling? Two reasons. First, noticing – mindfulness – requires that we get in touch with the sensations in our body. If we’re always trying to escape those feelings, or we are simply being driven by them, we will be unable to be aware and to notice them enough to hit the pause button. Secondly, just the very intention and practice of bringing awareness and acceptance to the shifting landscape of felt sensations in our bodies involves neural activity that integrates the brain, building our resilience and our ability to calm ourselves when we are experiencing stress and anxiety.
- Connect with others. As human beings, we are social beings. While it is true that we take our cues for danger based on those around us, it is also true that we derive our sense of felt safety, security and belonging from others. How we connect matters. When I say how we connect, I’m not talking about whether we connect on Facebook or Instagram, I’m talking about how we attune ourselves to our needs and to others’ needs simultaneously. How we meet others’ needs and ask for our own needs to be met. When relationships are trustworthy, attuned and mutually rewarding, they give us incredible strength and resilience. They grant us the ability to feel safe and secure even while the world tumbles all around us. And the cool thing is, relationships not only CAN be built with social distancing – to some extent they actually MUST be built with social distancing.
At the Natural Lifemanship Institute, we teach people principles for building what we call “connected attachment” and “connected detachment” with a horse. These principles derive from human attachment theory and are equally pertinent to relationships with humans, which is why they are part of the Natural Lifemanship process. Attachment theory is based on observation of child-caregiver dyads, and how the child responds when the caregiver is with the child, then leaves temporarily, and then re-enters the room. After observing a number of these strange situations, attachment researchers categorized responses into “secure” and various “insecure” types of attachment patterns. Since these are formed when we are very young, they typically become our patterns of relating in general throughout our lives. This is too big a topic for this blog, but the point is that secure attachment – the desirable kind that leads to all kinds of good outcomes – requires a connection that endures physical distance and separation as much as it benefits from physical closeness. There is no secure attachment without connected attachment AND connected detachment. I’ve seen some memes circulating recently that advise “social distancing, emotional closeness.” Same idea.
To sum up, these are indeed strange times. The experience of anxiety during these times is completely normal and biological. Our brains are simply doing what they are built to do – help us survive in the moment while also helping us predict and avoid future threats to our safety and well being. Our brains are taking in information from all around us, and especially from our social sphere, where we naturally look for cues of danger or safety. This is not a time where we can reasonably assess how many cases of cucumbers, or toilet paper, are needed. This is a time where we are invited to connect with ourselves and connect – perhaps differently – with others.
To connect with ourselves, we must practice awareness, get in touch with our bodies – including the sensations of anxiety – and practice ‘the pause’ before reacting or being overwhelmed by the torrents of spinning thoughts. To connect with others – we are being asked to exercise “social distancing”. What a perfect opportunity to practice connected detachment. Hold your loved ones inside your heart with intention each day. Send them loving kindness. Take the time to chat, talk on the phone, video chat and connect in new ways. Take a hike in open spaces with loved ones and practice the art of being connected while allowing at least several feet of physical space between our bodies. It builds an incredible sense of freedom and autonomy supported by a sense of closeness, shared experience and belonging. This is the very meaning of secure attachment.
Interested in learning more about what is meant by connected attached and connected detachment? Check out these blogs.
Is Life Great? This Too Shall Pass.
Building Connected Relationships
But I Miss the Caterpillar: My story of transformation and loss
Spiritual Intimacy Grows with Connection through Detachment
Attachment and Detachment – How Does this Really Look in Session?
by Bettina Shultz-Jobe, LPC, NBCC | Nov 25, 2019 | Applied Principles, Personal Growth
When I was 23 years old and life was truly grand, on a beautiful fall day in Denver, Colorado, my Great Aunt Martha Dell asked me how I was doing. I said with pure joy and youthful exuberance, “I am great! Really! Life is just wonderful right now.” She grinned, gave me a slight hug, and said. . . “This too shall pass.”
This too shall pass? What! I was quite familiar with Christianese, so I had heard this pat statement before when a person was struggling, but never before had I heard a person say this to someone who was doing well. HOW NEGATIVE! Geez Aunt Martha Dell, way to rain on my parade!
Years later I have thought of my Aunt’s words often, and with each passing year, and each loss, I sink deeper into the wisdom of her words.
This morning, Dolly Parton’s song, “Hard Candy Christmas,” played in our home. (It’s a lovely song by the way!) As my children and husband danced, I felt a wave of emotion; and tears filled my eyes as I pictured my parents, many years ago, two-stepping in the kitchen to this song. Visceral joy filled our home in these moments. This morning I cried as I remembered. Actually, I sobbed. At the time, I had no idea how fleeting these moments would be. Things have changed and are changing with and between my parents.
Things are changing. All the time. This isn’t profound I know, but it’s true. All moments or seasons, the good and the bad, will indeed pass.
In my darkest, hardest moments I have never found comfort in the words, “this too shall pass,” but I find a profound capacity for mindfulness and gratitude in the simplest of moments when I hear my Aunt’s voice in my heart. “Bettina, this too shall pass. Breathe it in. Pause. Sense into THIS moment, right now. Connect.”
Connect to this moment so that later, when life if hard (and it will be) you can summon this memory, and find peace, joy, and comfort.
So. . . this morning as I wept, I was reminded that this too – this moment with my family – shall pass. . . so I danced. I sang. I looked deeply into the eyes of my husband and our two adorable children, and I breathed it in. I felt warmth in my chest, tingling in my nose and fingers, and deeply anchored at my navel. I felt a deep sense of gratitude surge through my entire body – it was pink and soft. Research suggests that these moments change us. These moments rewire the brain, make us healthier, happier, and more connected – if these moments change us, they go with us.
I often invite my clients to deeply breathe in the simple, yet poignant moments that are inevitable when we’re in nature and in the company of horses.
Pause.
Notice.
Slow down.
Breathe.
In this moment, feel your connection to this horse and to this space.
What do you notice in your body? Where do you feel that in your body? What is the shape? Color? Texture? Sound? What do you taste? Smell? Hear? Feel? When you notice that, what do you notice next? And then next? And then next? Notice it all – around you and inside you.
Breathe it in.
Sense into and embody this moment. Let this moment become part of who you are, because this moment will pass, but your experience of it doesn’t have to. Breathe it in and take it with you. Your body can remember. THIS is what gratitude is all about. THIS is mindfulness at it’s best. THIS is what I pray you and your clients find this holiday season.
I use variations of this skill on a daily basis to help me connect to my body, the moment, and to others. This card is part of theNL Skill Cards and is available as an instant download (or the physical cards can be mailed to your home). The NL Skill Cards are also part of the Essential Connection Kit. I hope you find these cards helpful both personally and professionally!
Read here to learn about the research Dr. Robert Emmons has done on gratitude: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_gratitude_is_good
The Grateful Heart: The Psychophysiology of Appreciation https://www.heartmath.org/research/research-library/basic/grateful-heart-the-psychophysiology-of-appreciation/
by Kate Naylor | Jul 25, 2019 | Applied Principles, Parenting and Counseling Children
By Kate Naylor & Bettina Shultz-Jobe
A couple weeks ago, we shared this meme created by Our Mama Village about tantrums. After several long discussions on that Facebook post, we here at NaturalLifemanship felt we should write on the topic to help clarify the message we intended to demonstrate with the meme we posted. Additionally, it seems incredibly important to many parents and professionals that there be conversation on this topic – what is a tantrum and what is a meltdown….what do they have in common and how are they different? It is important to note that we are discussing these words as constructs – by definition the difference is minimal.
Follow the Facebook discussion here.
Let us begin by saying that we recognize there are many parents and professionals out there who care for children who experience challenging behaviors that others may not understand. We see that there is a need to educate the general population of the differences between behaviors.
At Natural Lifemanship we DO believe:
- that meltdowns are a product of overwhelm for ANY child
- that meltdowns should be treated with empathy and calm, kind presence
- that meltdowns are NOT an example of poor behavior in children or poor parenting practices
- Meltdowns occur due to a lack of skills to be able to regulate or handle emotional upset (depending on the child, the skills will come with age and learning, for other children these skills will be more difficult to acquire)
And at Natural Lifemanship, we ALSO believe:
- that tantrums are a typical part of a child’s development of proper communication
- Tantrums do not mean parents have done a poor job parenting
- Tantrums demonstrate a lack of skill to communicate in a relationally appropriate way (some children will acquire this skill with time and practice, some will learn tantrums are their most effective way to communicate and continue using them)
- Tantrums are not an example of willful manipulation with malicious intent – they are a behavior that all children attempt to get their needs met. We approach tantrums with the same empathy and kind presence as we do meltdowns. (depending on the child, the skills will come with age and learning, for other children these skills will be more difficult to acquire)
So what’s the difference?
A meltdown demonstrates a CAN’T from the lower regions of the brain. When a child is experiencing more sensory or emotional input than he or she can handle their nervous system becomes overwhelmed and sometimes this leads to intense reactions like strong crying, falling on the floor, yelling, physical aggression, self-harm, and attempts at self soothing like rocking. This is an example of the sensorial, motor, and emotional regions of the brain being so overwhelmed that control over these regions is temporarily lost. The way we adults respond to this matters. We respond with bottom-up regulation – caring, calm presence, deep breaths of our own, and if possible, rhythm that the child does not have produce herself (holding her, rocking her, tapping a rhythm she can hear, etc.). This is not a moment for teaching or lots of questions (this requires upper brain regions that are “offline” in that moment). Once the child is calm again, we can connect and teach skills for handling overwhelm or communicating overwhelm. A child’s ability to learn these skills is always there, but their progress will vary based on their development, capacity, and the predictability of the interactions between the child and the adults around her.
A tantrum is also a CAN’T but from the upper regions of the brain. Imagine a typical small child in a typical day. How frequently is this child in control of their lives? Not very frequently, at all. They hear the word “no” throughout the day, they don’t have a strong enough vocabulary to communicate clearly their needs and wants, and they often are not allowed to do or have what they want because of an adult stopping them (for a multitude of reasons). So, when a child is not developmentally to the point where their brain and bodies can communicate well, they feel controlled, and they are desperately searching for a sense of their own control – tantrums follow. When a child hears “no” for the hundredth time, when they want something they cannot have and experience disappointment, when they try to communicate an idea and we adults don’t listen or don’t understand – the child experiences overwhelm in their thinking and feeling and in turn has a strong reaction that may include similar behaviors to a meltdown. In this situation we often can respond in a more “top-down” approach, using words and reasoning that speak to the upper regions of the brain, BUT we ALSO need to regulate and soothe ALL the regions of the brain for the child to truly calm down. This means we need to be as calm and kind in our presence as we are during a meltdown. We believe there is an important distinction between a tantrum being seen as difficulty with communication versus willful manipulation. One perspective attempts to understand the behavior and address the root problem, the other is a blaming stance that does not attempt to address the difficulty underneath. These two perspectives often lead adults to two different kinds of responses. THIS is the issue we intended to address with the meme we posted from Our Mama Village. We DO not believe tantrums to be malicious or willful – brain science tells us it is a lack of communication skills, a lack of development, that leads to tantrums.
Of course, we can reinforce a tantrum by giving in to the request and teach a child that tantrums are effective – so we encourage parents to be firm in setting and maintaining an appropriate limit during a tantrum…but we can do that with kindness and empathy.
As a quick side note, we believe that adults can also have tantrums and meltdowns. Many adults also lack the skills to communicate their needs when they feel powerless, overwhelmed, etc. The experience and embodiment of trauma – and the resulting mental health diagnoses – often result in an inability to regulate and handle overwhelm or emotional upset. This is very important to understand if you do therapy with adults, especially if you do equine assisted psychotherapy (EAP) with adults -dysregulation and regression are often a part of the process – how we handle this is so important. We also believe that horses and other animals have tantrums (as the upper regions of their brains develop more) and meltdowns. How we handle tantrums and meltdowns with horses and other animals, especially when doing EAP or EAL is such an important part of the process. It is important that we model how to address the need underneath the behavior in our sessions. Tantrums and meltdowns happen with adults and animals for the same reasons stated above, and should be handled the same way – with empathy and a kind presence. Remember, a good principle is a good principle regardless of where it is applied.
by Jamie Morley | Apr 20, 2019 | Applied Principles, Case Studies, Testimonials & Reflections
In December 2017, I attended my first NL Intensive training in Brenham, TX. I’m pretty sure it was day two, which in my experience at these trainings, is when things really start getting stirred up internally. This life lesson came to me in my blind spot. Like a horse’s blind spot, it was right in front of my face (or maybe right behind my rear?). In fact, the only one who could see what was going on was my partner for the weekend.
I was in the round pen with the horse, Indigo (name has been changed for this article), trying to connect through attachment. When we had worked together the day before, we had a pretty quick connection, so I figured it would happen pretty easily again. This was not the case. Indigo was completely ignoring me. So I started to gradually increase my efforts, going from clucking and calling her name, to stomping my feet, to waving my hands in the air, to getting closer and jumping up and down and waving my hands all at the same time.
My partner stopped me (thank goodness!). I walked over to her and took a much needed break from all the jumping and flailing around. She said something simple like, “It seems to me like your energy on the outside does not match your energy on the inside”. At first I shot a quick answer back like, “Really? I feel like all of my energy is as high as it can go! I don’t know what else to do.” And then the thought settled somewhere deep within, and I took a deep breath and looked at her. She was right.
At some point, Tim Jobe had joined the conversation (he has a way of popping in at the just the right moment). He asked something to the effect of, “What might be keeping you from raising your internal energy?” I explained that it felt like there is a line that divides where I feel safe and comfortable to make an “ask” in a relationship and where it feels all together too risky and vulnerable. Tim asked, “What is the risk if you cross that line?” I started to process out loud about how if I gave more energy toward the relationship, what if it wasn’t reciprocated? What if she still kept ignoring me? The fear of losing what connection I did have seemed to outweigh the potential of gaining an even deeper connection. A wave of realization was rushing over me. This, of course, directly correlated to how I often felt in my human relationships.
Then something beautiful happened that I’ll never forget. By this point, I was back to standing in proximity to Indigo. As soon as I acknowledged my true inner feelings to Tim and my partner, Indigo turned and came toward me. She planted herself right there next to me as tears began to steadily stream down my face. I hadn’t even asked her to come over. She chose to all on her own. And all I could do was stand there next to her and let the tears fall freely. I savored that moment with her and all that she “said” to me through her actions.
In a way that only a horse can, she affirmed so many truths for me in this moment. She affirmed that all she wanted was the real me. She didn’t require that I had it all together. She only required that I was being real with myself and with her. It was as if she was saying, “Oh good, you’re truly present with me and now I want to come be with you”. She also affirmed that the experience of a connection like this was totally worth the risk and vulnerability it took to get it.
“Most people believe vulnerability is weakness. But really, vulnerability is courage. We must ask ourselves…are we willing to show up and be seen?”
–Brene Brown
Self-sufficiency has met her match, her name is Vulnerability. It’s only through vulnerability that true connection is experienced. Self-sufficiency may give a false sense of security, but it will forever leave me feeling disconnected from others. Indigo helped me realize that what I want more than independence and self-sufficiency is the sense of being known and accepted for who I am. In order to get this, I have to show up in relationships as my authentic, vulnerable, messy self.
Every day we have the choice. Today I choose vulnerability.
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Jamie offers life coaching, both equine assisted and non-equine, to the Central Ohio area. She is dual certified through Natural Lifemanship as a Practitioner and an Equine Professional and is a certified Life Coach through the JRNI Catalyst Coaching Intensive. Her coaching business, Hope Anew, thrives on this motto: Healing Occurs through Purposeful Elements- Art, Nature, Environment, and Well-being. She loves taking creative approaches to helping people on their path to personal growth, as the path to transformation looks different for everyone!
by Michael Remole | Dec 10, 2018 | Applied Principles
For some, the holidays bring joy and a rich connection with family, friends, God, and memories of holidays past. For others, holidays shine a bright light on grief, loneliness, and disconnection. With the holidays approaching, I have been thinking more about connection and. . . technology. It isn’t news that technology has made real human connection much more difficult, in many ways. The older generations shake their heads and say, “back in the day. . .,” BUT I also think technology has something to teach us about human connection. I hope you enjoy my musings.
I have grown to really love my Bluetooth noise canceling headphones. I wear them when I head to the gym to work out, go for runs or walks, and even when I mow. It is so simple. Press the power button and a lovely voice comes on and says. . . “connected”. I did not realize the power of that phrase until just recently when I had forgotten I turned off the Bluetooth option on my phone.
I have a morning routine of driving to the gym, staring at the entrance of the gym (thinking that maybe I can watch someone else workout and get the benefits), and then deciding to put on my headphones, get into gear and hit the gym. However, this particular morning, as I sat in my car following my usual routine, I hit the power button for my headphones and waited. . . then I waited some more. . . I shut the headphones off thinking something was wrong with them. Then, I turned them back on and. . . waited again. I sat waiting for that lovely voice to tell me I was connected. That’s when it dawned on me that I must have done something to my phone. So, I went into the settings, hit the Bluetooth button and. . . waited some more. When it began telling me it was “searching for device” I realized that something must be wrong. Why is my connection taking so long? What is wrong with the phone? What’s wrong with the headphones? That’s when I realized that this amazing Bluetooth device was helping me understand a bit more about connection. For countless weeks, I had gone through the same procedure to ensure the phone and the headphones were connected, yet today something was different. The connection had failed and it took some work to fix it. That’s when I began to see just how much the struggle with the connection applied not only to my headphones but also to my life.
I had taken for granted the connection between my phone and headphones. It was usually easy. With the click of a button I had connection. However, on this occasion, it was not easy. In the midst of my frustration, I began to ponder just how difficult healthy, genuine relational connections really are. They take work—hard work. I have been spoiled in life by how quickly we can connect to things—WiFi, TV, cell phones and various Bluetooth devices. I began to wonder what these things are incorrectly teaching us about connection?
I was finally able to connect my phone and headphones and complete my morning workout. However, in relationships, connection is not always guaranteed. What do we do when the connection with self or someone else appears to be “offline”? How do we troubleshoot when connection with self and others doesn’t seem to be happening like we thought it should? As I wrestled with these thoughts, I began to realize that we have several options. For example, I could have blamed the headphones and thrown them away. I could have gotten mad at the phone and thrown it out the window. I could have reset both the phone and headphones so they would be able to effectively communicate with one another. What is your go-to reaction when connection does not work the way you had planned?
Healthy connections are hard. It takes two willing participants to do the troubleshooting when the connection seems off. What does that look like for us? How do we troubleshoot in these situations? As we head into the holidays, here are a few of my thoughts.
Connection with self comes first. In order to have a healthy connection with someone else, I must first have a healthy connection with myself. This means taking the time to get to know yourself and to genuinely love yourself. It also means that we have to take time to stay regulated. I think we’ve all experienced a Wifi connection that is super weak and inconsistent. This is a prime example of someone who needs to regulate in order to connect. I can give someone a superficial connection from a place of dysregulation, but if I want true, authentic connection, it must be done from a place of regulation. This is a critical part of my troubleshooting when connection seems off. What steps can I take to regulate myself so connection is more authentic and genuine?
During another trip to the gym while I was working out and enjoying my podcast, my headphone battery began to die. As the podcast continued, the headphones would say “please charge device.” It said this for several minutes before the headphones powered down. Sadly, my workout quickly ended so I could hurry to the car and recharge the headphones. Another valuable lesson about genuine connection. . . In order to have a connection you must keep your “battery of life” charged. I can try as hard as I want to connect the phone and the headphones, but if either device is low on power, the connection just won’t work. How is your “battery of life”? What are you doing to recharge your battery so you are more capable of genuine, healthy connections?
Years ago, an incredible movie called “What About Bob?” came out. In the movie, Bill Murray likens relationships to phones. Sometimes the phone is out of order and you need to try again later. Sometimes the phone is cut off and there is no chance of getting through. This approach is applicable here in regards to connection. At times, the connection may be offline due to the other person needing to do his or her own work. When this occurs, we simply note that we should take care of ourselves and try that connection again later. Then at times we come across relationships that are cut-off and it’s time to recognize that trying to connect in that relationship is not healthy.
In a society of instant gratification, we are accustomed to quick “connections”. Recently, I was talking on my cell phone and I happened to walk by my car that I had just started. As I approached the car, my phone connected to the car while I was standing outside the car trying to continue the conversation. I had not asked for that connection, it just happened. On other days, no matter what I try, the phone and car will not connect! I am sure that you can relate and get frustrated as well when one device won’t connect with another. In those moments of frustration, let’s pause, take a deep breath, and reflect on what we are doing to better connect with ourselves and with others. Let’s take those moments of reflection to help us become more capable of having healthy, genuine connections with self and others. If we fail to do this, we will hear “searching for device”. My hope is that this holiday season we will hear a lovely voice saying “connected” as we truly connect in the relationships that matter the most.
Learn more about Gateway Family Services.
by Bettina Shultz-Jobe, LPC, NBCC | Apr 2, 2018 | Applied Principles, Personal Growth
As I ponder this Easter weekend, I am reminded that miracles happen. . . and that usually they don’t just happen.
To receive a miracle is more than passive acceptance of something wonderful. Miracles require work. They require relationship. They require surrender. Miracles require that the recipient of the miracle take enormous risk, and this risk, in and of itself, is transformative. The learning and, oftentimes, deep pain that comes with the decision to risk, changes us in profound and beautiful ways. I believe miracles are the result of Divine intervention. . . absolutely! They’re also the result of a two-sided relationship with our Creator.
The last 5 years have opened my eyes to miracles all around me. When I see a miracle I see my Creator at work. Yes I do. I also see risk. I see the massive vulnerability and bravery that comes with taking the risk a miracle demands. I see years of hard work and preparation and then I see the grueling labor and love it takes to really live out our miracles. I see belief in the impossible. I see an acceptance of our own inadequacies and need for support.
However, I have also experienced times when the Divine is ready for a miracle, but we are not. I am learning to recognize miracles each day, and to pray for the strength, grace, and wisdom to embrace miracles offered and grieve miracles lost.
As we work in this field, I am humbled by the passion that exists among people making the world a better place for all living beings – the people with whom we work every day! The miracles needed for our clients, our animal therapy partners, and for our businesses bring tears to my eyes. As we give and give to others the miracles needed in our personal lives is staggering. It is my hope this Easter Monday that we all have the strength to walk in a world of miracles in a way that profoundly deepens the relationships for which we were created.
Happy Easter from our little family to yours.
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