by Kate Naylor | Mar 30, 2020 | Applied Principles, Personal Growth
By Bettina Shultz-Jobe and Kate Naylor
We, at Natural Lifemanship, are seeing so many memes and posts encouraging people to take advantage of this dramatic change of current life – to see the meaning in it, to relish it, to consider it a gift. While this is certainly not easy, many can find these sentimental reframes encouraging and inspiring, and through mindful practice can find a sense of calm about having nowhere to be besides at home with a partner, spouse, or children. These feelings can win out over bouts of fear and anxiety. This is a good thing. That said, to experience the pandemic this way is a complete and total privilege – it is, indeed, a gift.
Make no mistake, what is happening in our country and across the globe right now is trauma for all of us. How we support each other through this will make a difference in how traumatizing this year will be for us and those around us, certainly. But there are some (many, in fact) who are not encouraged by said memes. Many will not be able to make rent April 1st. Many can no longer afford to feed their children. A record 3.3 million Americans applied for unemployment just last week. Many are terribly ill and unable to get adequate medical care. Many are experiencing toxic and chronic stress because their survival is in question. To these people, the pandemic is not about leaning into a slower, simpler life. To many, what has happened so quickly in our country, is, in no way, a gift.
Here’s the thing, whether you are in the very privileged category, the category devastated by the fallout, or somewhere in between, this is trauma. We all owe it to ourselves to acknowledge it, at the very least, because minimizing the profound effect this is having on us all, will only make it that much harder for us to truly seek the connection needed to collectively heal.
Our simplest definition of trauma is when the things we sense (see, hear, taste, smell, touch, feel) are unpredictable or arrhythmic. A trauma (or traumatic situation) becomes traumatizing when our bodies and brains adapt to tolerate the arrhythmia in our world – this is what it means to embody the trauma. The more powerless, alone, and responsible we feel, the greater the survival concern, the more likely it is that a trauma becomes traumatizing. In short, trauma has the power to change us, but what is traumatizing to one person may not be to another.
We often think of war veterans and PTSD when we think of trauma, but trauma can result from many aspects of life. Financial uncertainty, housing and food insecurity, dramatic relationship changes, chronic stress, and like now, natural disasters, can all be potentially traumatizing. Changes often look like heightened vigilance with increased anxiety, or the opposite, increased dissociation with a sense of “checking out” too often. These changes affect our ability to function well in daily life – we are so anxious or checked out that we are unable to do things considered “typical”. We all have different thresholds for how much trauma changes us; our thresholds are influenced by how healthy things were before the trauma – our genetics, our intrauterine experience, our childhoods, etc.
The good news here is that we can do things to build resilience to trauma and we can heal from trauma. In this pandemic specifically, we know the trauma is happening and so we can take action now and throughout, to support ourselves and each other. Many will be able to experience this time as a period of growth and transformation. Nevertheless, it is safe to say no one will come out of the pandemic unchanged – but how much we change will vary greatly, based on how hard our history has been and how severe our current circumstances are during this time. Some of us will spend more time at home, get creative about work and child-rearing, and perhaps learn to live with a little less. But some of us will lose businesses, livelihoods, even homes. Some of us will experience significant health issues and perhaps even deaths. Many families will experience abuse and neglect. All of us will experience grief. What makes the same event hard for one person and devastating for another is complicated – It is vital that we acknowledge both are happening. Our realities of this pandemic should not disappear in a sea of “silver linings”.
Some of us need to remember, without shame, that to be home and well with family, is a privilege. To be able to work from home and care for children, is a privilege. To have a partner, and to have them also be able to work from home, is a privilege. To be able to buy food, even in fits and starts, is a privilege. For our children to feel safe at home is a privilege. To be able to make the mortgage payment despite work adjustments and financial shifts, is a privilege. To be well, not in need of emergency medical care, not in need of hospitalization, is just good luck. To those who experience so much privilege, it is your job (at the very least) to hold space for those who don’t. To remember, to do what you can to help, to acknowledge and speak up.
So what can we do, individually and collectively? It is tempting to avoid this question because of the deep sense of powerlessness it can bring. Our stomachs drop, throats clench, and we become buried in scary news about the realities we are facing and then feel completely overwhelmed. This is us experiencing the beginnings of trauma – our body and brain are experiencing fear and powerlessness. If we continue on this path, our brain and body will begin to habituate to these sensations and feelings until they become the new normal. Fear and overwhelm will no longer be a state we are in, but a trait we carry with us always (this is what it means to embody trauma).
We need to pause. Put down the news. Move our bodies and breathe deeply. Look or go outside and notice the movement of the trees and the way the light slants across the ground. Remind our brains and bodies that we are safe, at least, in this moment. When our body begins to relax, our higher self emerges again and we remember that there are things we can do. We can notice others in their struggle, we can listen, we can care, we can connect. Some of us can donate money. Some of us can give of our time – to make something, to support someone, to give something away, to learn more about what others are doing to help and join in. In this way, we feel empowered in the face of fear. We can move through this time and not be traumatized. We will be changed, but we don’t have to be traumatized. Not everyone will be so lucky, but we can build a place in our heart to remember that.
Even though we are separated into our homes, we are not separate. Connection can happen at any distance, but it does take practice. We can be stronger after this – but for that to be true, those of us lucky enough to feel empowered owe those of us who don’t. For that to be true, we must come together in community. We must move together. Sing together. Dance together. Those of us who are stronger must set the pulse – set the rhythm. We must bring those struggling among us into our rhythm and our fold. This is why NL is offering so many community activities online during this time of global trauma. We need each other. Join us. Join us as we seek to find rhythm together. Join us if you are strong – we need you. Join us if you are in need – we’ll carry you. Join us if you believe that trauma has the power to connect us all and make us stronger.
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by Bettina Shultz-Jobe, LPC, NBCC | Mar 21, 2020 | Applied Principles, Parenting and Counseling Children
Currently, many of us parents are taking the meaning of “work/family balance” to an entirely new level. Our children (and maybe spouses) are home and we are searching for innovative ways to continue to support our clients and pay our own bills. Additionally, we are part of a global crisis that affects us all in various ways. Anxiety is high and there are no easy answers – this is messy!
Literally and figuratively – seriously, earlier today our five-year-old was sitting on top of a mound of laundry playing ABC mouse. I started to tell him to get OFF of the CLEAN LAUNDRY, but then it occurred to me that there was nowhere else to sit. Our laundry has simply taken on a life of its own around here! I just took a deep breath and headed into our bedroom for our weekly, virtual staff meeting.
Deep, deep sigh.
Connection first, last, and always
Each day this week I have been reminded of something that has saved us time and time again in the Jobe family. We so strive to be the kind of family that engages in calm connection. Connection before correction. Relationship and connection before and above all else. . . AND we’re human.
Shoot! I am just so darn imperfect – just ask those closest to me. I’m passionate. I’m direct. I’m sometimes loud. I sometimes struggle with anxiety. I can be controlling at times, and I hope that someday my children will use the words “fierce love” to describe me. As a recovering perfectionist connection not perfection is my mantra.
A commitment to repair has kept our loving family intact. We regularly practice something we call do-overs – the opportunity to make repair in our relationships. The opportunity to practice doing the right thing. I hope to breathe a bit of life into what we mean by do-overs with this personal story.
To read more about do-overs read this blog by Reccia Jobe with Pecan Creek Ranch. Do-overs: Building new pathways in the brain by intentionally practicing something different
Do-overs in action
A few weeks ago we had a small Super Bowl party at our house after a long day of teaching one of our Fundamentals Trainings. This means. . . I had just spent two days teaching about regulation and connection and healthy relationships . . . Then I went home. . . and started preparing dinner with our guests.
Within about 15 minutes of my return home, while my back was turned and I was chopping an onion (or something) I heard my 5-year-old scream. The shrill scream of a child in pain. I felt fear and the action I took was reflexive. I experienced the kind of fear that is cued by something in the environment – my child’s scream and the realization that he was stuck in a kitchen pot (YET AGAIN! He and his sister had been stuck in said pot several times over the last week) and in pain as one of our guests tried to pull him out!
This fear caused a rush of adrenaline with increased heart rate and respiration as my body naturally and immediately prepared for flight or fight. (Here you can visit a great blog about the difference between fear, anxiety, and panic and what we can do.) I did both flight and fight.
I reflexively ran to my son, grabbed him by the shoulders, and screamed “I have told you to quit putting your body in this pot,” and then I safely picked up his folded body and gently shook it until the pot fell off. He was, indeed, physically safe, but I had greatly compromised his emotional safety – I had done damage to our relationship.
With wide eyes, he ran to his room immediately and then started crying. At first, I went back to cutting an onion (or something) and then I felt an unconscious breath come into my body followed by a huge wave of guilt. When I went into Cooper’s room he was crying. I sat down on the bed next to him and asked if he wanted to tell me what he was sad about. He said, “You scared me (then there was a pause) and embarrassed me too.”
I looked into his tear-filled eyes, put my arms around his little 5-year-old body, and said, “Oh sweetie, of course you were. I got really scared and then I yelled really loud. . . and I did that in front of our guests.”
He interrupted me and said quite pragmatically, “Yes Mom you were out of self-control.”
I inwardly chuckled just a bit (Because telling me that I’m out of “self-control” is kinda cute, right?) and suggested a do-over. I said, “You are right. I was out of self-control. Do you think we could have a do-over?”
He happily agreed to this – he’s done plenty of do-overs himself, so he was thrilled for this one to be on me.
We went to the kitchen and I apologized to our guests and explained that Cooper and I needed to have a do-over. I went back to the counter and pretended to cut something. Cooper got in the pot (partially) and screamed in pain. I went to him quickly, but this time I gently grabbed his shoulders and I said with warmth, kindness, and assertiveness, “Cooper please keep your body safe. I don’t want you to get hurt because I love you so much. This is why I have asked you to stop putting your body in this pot.”
I had a second before this interaction to think about how to best have a boundary and, in this case, kindly set one. I try very hard to request what I want – in this case, for Cooper to keep his body safe – instead of focusing on what I don’t want – for him to stop putting his body in this darn pot! Here’s a blog on this subject.
I then gave him a little kiss on the cheek and helped him out. We had a quick discussion to review why it’s important that Cooper keep his body safe, and he made a commitment to never get in the pot again. (By the way, it hasn’t happened since. Fingers crossed!). We then continued with our little party.
Repair is more than an apology
Repair has to be experienced. We need to practice doing the right thing. Practice does not make perfect, but it is required for improvement and growth. We have to try. We have to show up. We have to be willing to make mistakes.
AND we have to learn to revel in the repair. Embrace it.
In NL, this is what we mean by creating brave spaces. (A lovely blog written by Rebecca Hubbard and Reccia Jobe with Pecan Creek Ranch)
Repair requires practice
Maybe while we’re at home during this time we can commit to practicing repair – there simply isn’t a shortage of opportunity for most of us! Practice the kind of repair that moves beyond an apology, and means that we go back and try again.
This kind of repair requires grace and a commitment to connection from all involved – grace that provides space for do-overs, repair, and real healing.
Deep, complete healing and profound, transformative connection. Y’all, we’ve got this!
Here is another one of our blogs that might be of interest to you during this time:
Is There a Difference Between a Tantrum and a Meltdown?
by Laura McFarland | Mar 20, 2020 | Applied Principles, Personal Growth
I think most of us are familiar with the sensation of panic: Whether it’s a brief moment of panic like when you realize you forgot an important date – like your anniversary or your mother’s birthday or a critical deadline at work; or a sudden, heightened moment of panic when you fear something horrible is about to happen, or when something frightening is indeed happening.
I remember back to a time in my early 20s when I was in charge of a produce department at a small collectively owned food coop in San Francisco. I was charged with buying the produce which meant I started work at 4am each day by driving the store’s ancient pick up truck to the produce warehouse district in San Francisco to pick up enough food to get us through each day or the weekend, tops. As anyone familiar with San Francisco can imagine, we didn’t have a whole lot of space in our little store. Certainly not enough space to store weeks or even days worth of inventory. I confidently accepted the position based on my qualifications of having worked on an organic farm. I knew how to plant and harvest vegetables – how hard could it be to buy and sell them?
I will never forget one day during my first week as a produce buyer. I returned to the store after my trip to the wholesale market that morning only to be met with the incredulous look of my produce-buying predecessor, who inquired with raised brows, “you bought how many cases of cucumbers?? And you bought zero cases of….????” Fill in the blank with any essential produce item besides cucumbers and it’s likely I didn’t buy it that day.
In this scenario the sense of panic I experienced occurred after the fact and was tied with the realization that, 1) I messed up and, 2) that I didn’t, actually, have a clue as to how much of anything I needed to buy each day. I had no experience upon which to base this knowledge. I didn’t know what I didn’t know, and once I knew what I didn’t know, this caused some minor panic and anxiety. Would I even be able to do this job well?? Not knowing how many cucumbers we actually needed to get through the day, my rather blind decision to purchase way too much was also based on fear – the fear of running out. Of course, there is no greater teacher than the humility of recognizing how little we actually know, so I actually went on to enjoy a long and reasonably successful first career in the produce industry.
For our species, all variations of panic and anxiety have one thing in common – they are a byproduct of the evolved human brain. In a recent NY Times article entitled, “A Brain Hack to Break the Coronavirus Anxiety Cycle,”author and psychiatrist, Justin Brewer, MD, gives a wonderfully parsimonious description of the difference between fear and anxiety (together with its close relative, panic). Fear helps us survive. It is a conditioned response in which we learn to avoid life-threatening situations. The more primitive areas of the brain allow us to experience fear and thus survive as a species. Fear is tied intimately with the flight or fight response we share in common with other mammals. The wonderful thing about fear is its immediacy. It is triggered and we react. The reason fear has helped us survive is that it bypasses the thinking part of our brain. If we stopped to think about what we are afraid of, our reactions may come too late. It has to be immediate, and once the danger has passed, the fear subsides as well.
Anxiety (and panic) on the other hand, is a product of our prefrontal cortex – the most recently evolved layer of the human brain responsible for abstract reasoning, creativity, and planning. While our bodies are responding appropriately to a fear response, our prefrontal cortexes are busy cataloguing the experience in our memory banks and assigning meaning to it. The prefrontal cortex is like an executive director (literally responsible for executive functioning). It processes various sources of information made available by other regions of the brain, searches the memory banks, and it makes predictions about what will happen in the future. Importantly, as Brewer states, “If information is lacking, our prefrontal cortex lays out different scenarios about what might happen, and guesses which will be most likely. It does this by running simulations based on previous events that are most similar. Enter anxiety. Defined as ‘a feeling of worry, nervousness or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome,’ anxiety comes up when our prefrontal cortexes don’t have enough information to accurately predict the future. Without accurate information, it is easy for our brains to spin stories of fear and dread.”
I’d like to pause for a minute to draw our attention to these two distinct experiences of fear: 1) there is fear that is cued by something in the environment – something we’ve learned to avoid – like touching a hot burner; and 2) there is fear that is cued by our very own thought processes, which spin stories of fear and dread when there is not enough reliable information with which to make predictions. Both types of fear are experienced in our bodies as different felt sensations. The first type of fear may cause a rush of adrenaline with increased heart rate and respiration as our bodies naturally and immediately prepare for fight or flight. The second type of fear – that associated with anxiety – causes an increase in cortisol and a more general and pervasive sense of nervousness and unease.
In the state of anxiety, our rational mind is stuck, like the little spinning wheel on our computer screens, overwhelmed by processing demands and not able to respond appropriately or function.
To make matters worse, anxiety is contagious. Brewer goes on to say, “our own anxiety can be cued or triggered simply by talking to someone else who is anxious.” Our unease triggers another’s unease. This is also evolutionary. We are social animals, after all, who take our cues for safety and for danger from other members of our species.
So what can we do right now in the midst of this global pandemic and economic paralysis to ease our anxieties, and those of others? There are several things we can do, actually. But first, let’s start with the things that won’t work:
- When we are in a heightened state of anxiety, it will not work to try and reason our way out of it. Why? Because the very part of our brain that is able to reason is offline, or if you prefer a different computer metaphor, frozen like a spinning wheel. We need to reboot, which is something we’ll address shortly.
- Compulsively seeking out new information on social media will not work to ease our anxiety. Why? Because sorting out “real” or “relevant” information from noise and the echoes of a panic-stricken populace all require critical thinking and a well functioning prefrontal cortex. See #1. Further, the more we consume social media, the more vulnerable we are to social contagion. And finally, the way our anxious brains work is to take any new source of information and find within it the one iota of information that appears to confirm our worse fears. It’s so hard, I know, but please ask yourself how much constantly refreshing your Facebook and Twitter feeds are helping you sleep and think clearly right now.
- Stockpiling toilet paper and other goods will not put your mind at ease – although it will probably clutter up your house, considerably. Why? It will never be enough. We don’t know enough to know what is enough so we’ll never be able to experience the sense of safety and security that accompanies certainty. Our brain’s response to uncertainty is the problem, not a shortage of toilet paper. And there’s another reason – as we fill up our shopping carts with toilet paper, we are sending a signal to all the other shoppers around us that there is something to panic about, and they will start filling up theirs, too. See #2. Social contagion will continue to infect us and everyone around us until the dreaded toilet paper shortage is a self-fulfilling prophecy. On another note, I truly wish I owned stock in toilet paper companies right now.
What, then, are some ways to cope with this truly novel, ambiguous, confusing situation and the anxiety it produces, right now?
- Notice it. The first step is awareness. Awareness creates some wiggle room between stimulus and response. It disrupts the vicious cycle of uncertainty leading to fear -> seeking confirmation of fears -> picking up on social cues of others who are also experiencing fears -> acting irrationally based on fears -> cueing others to act irrationally based on fears -> which then heighten my own sense of fear. Repeat. We need to hit the pause button. Awareness allows you to see that button and gives you the opportunity to hit it. Each of us has some level of awareness but how we are able to access it at will and especially under duress is a function of practice. Mindfulness and meditation practices abound. If it works for you, it works. Just pick one and practice. Consider your trips to Walmart an opportunity to practice awareness of your own impulses. Notice. And when you notice, hit pause.
- Welcome it. Say what?!? Allow me to clarify. Welcome the feeling – the anxiety – not the situation. Why welcome something that we experience as so uncomfortable and unsettling? Two reasons. First, noticing – mindfulness – requires that we get in touch with the sensations in our body. If we’re always trying to escape those feelings, or we are simply being driven by them, we will be unable to be aware and to notice them enough to hit the pause button. Secondly, just the very intention and practice of bringing awareness and acceptance to the shifting landscape of felt sensations in our bodies involves neural activity that integrates the brain, building our resilience and our ability to calm ourselves when we are experiencing stress and anxiety.
- Connect with others. As human beings, we are social beings. While it is true that we take our cues for danger based on those around us, it is also true that we derive our sense of felt safety, security and belonging from others. How we connect matters. When I say how we connect, I’m not talking about whether we connect on Facebook or Instagram, I’m talking about how we attune ourselves to our needs and to others’ needs simultaneously. How we meet others’ needs and ask for our own needs to be met. When relationships are trustworthy, attuned and mutually rewarding, they give us incredible strength and resilience. They grant us the ability to feel safe and secure even while the world tumbles all around us. And the cool thing is, relationships not only CAN be built with social distancing – to some extent they actually MUST be built with social distancing.
At the Natural Lifemanship Institute, we teach people principles for building what we call “connected attachment” and “connected detachment” with a horse. These principles derive from human attachment theory and are equally pertinent to relationships with humans, which is why they are part of the Natural Lifemanship process. Attachment theory is based on observation of child-caregiver dyads, and how the child responds when the caregiver is with the child, then leaves temporarily, and then re-enters the room. After observing a number of these strange situations, attachment researchers categorized responses into “secure” and various “insecure” types of attachment patterns. Since these are formed when we are very young, they typically become our patterns of relating in general throughout our lives. This is too big a topic for this blog, but the point is that secure attachment – the desirable kind that leads to all kinds of good outcomes – requires a connection that endures physical distance and separation as much as it benefits from physical closeness. There is no secure attachment without connected attachment AND connected detachment. I’ve seen some memes circulating recently that advise “social distancing, emotional closeness.” Same idea.
To sum up, these are indeed strange times. The experience of anxiety during these times is completely normal and biological. Our brains are simply doing what they are built to do – help us survive in the moment while also helping us predict and avoid future threats to our safety and well being. Our brains are taking in information from all around us, and especially from our social sphere, where we naturally look for cues of danger or safety. This is not a time where we can reasonably assess how many cases of cucumbers, or toilet paper, are needed. This is a time where we are invited to connect with ourselves and connect – perhaps differently – with others.
To connect with ourselves, we must practice awareness, get in touch with our bodies – including the sensations of anxiety – and practice ‘the pause’ before reacting or being overwhelmed by the torrents of spinning thoughts. To connect with others – we are being asked to exercise “social distancing”. What a perfect opportunity to practice connected detachment. Hold your loved ones inside your heart with intention each day. Send them loving kindness. Take the time to chat, talk on the phone, video chat and connect in new ways. Take a hike in open spaces with loved ones and practice the art of being connected while allowing at least several feet of physical space between our bodies. It builds an incredible sense of freedom and autonomy supported by a sense of closeness, shared experience and belonging. This is the very meaning of secure attachment.
Interested in learning more about what is meant by connected attached and connected detachment? Check out these blogs.
Is Life Great? This Too Shall Pass.
Building Connected Relationships
But I Miss the Caterpillar: My story of transformation and loss
Spiritual Intimacy Grows with Connection through Detachment
Attachment and Detachment – How Does this Really Look in Session?
by Bettina Shultz-Jobe, LPC, NBCC | Nov 25, 2019 | Applied Principles, Personal Growth
When I was 23 years old and life was truly grand, on a beautiful fall day in Denver, Colorado, my Great Aunt Martha Dell asked me how I was doing. I said with pure joy and youthful exuberance, “I am great! Really! Life is just wonderful right now.” She grinned, gave me a slight hug, and said. . . “This too shall pass.”
This too shall pass? What! I was quite familiar with Christianese, so I had heard this pat statement before when a person was struggling, but never before had I heard a person say this to someone who was doing well. HOW NEGATIVE! Geez Aunt Martha Dell, way to rain on my parade!
Years later I have thought of my Aunt’s words often, and with each passing year, and each loss, I sink deeper into the wisdom of her words.
This morning, Dolly Parton’s song, “Hard Candy Christmas,” played in our home. (It’s a lovely song by the way!) As my children and husband danced, I felt a wave of emotion; and tears filled my eyes as I pictured my parents, many years ago, two-stepping in the kitchen to this song. Visceral joy filled our home in these moments. This morning I cried as I remembered. Actually, I sobbed. At the time, I had no idea how fleeting these moments would be. Things have changed and are changing with and between my parents.
Things are changing. All the time. This isn’t profound I know, but it’s true. All moments or seasons, the good and the bad, will indeed pass.
In my darkest, hardest moments I have never found comfort in the words, “this too shall pass,” but I find a profound capacity for mindfulness and gratitude in the simplest of moments when I hear my Aunt’s voice in my heart. “Bettina, this too shall pass. Breathe it in. Pause. Sense into THIS moment, right now. Connect.”
Connect to this moment so that later, when life if hard (and it will be) you can summon this memory, and find peace, joy, and comfort.
So. . . this morning as I wept, I was reminded that this too – this moment with my family – shall pass. . . so I danced. I sang. I looked deeply into the eyes of my husband and our two adorable children, and I breathed it in. I felt warmth in my chest, tingling in my nose and fingers, and deeply anchored at my navel. I felt a deep sense of gratitude surge through my entire body – it was pink and soft. Research suggests that these moments change us. These moments rewire the brain, make us healthier, happier, and more connected – if these moments change us, they go with us.
I often invite my clients to deeply breathe in the simple, yet poignant moments that are inevitable when we’re in nature and in the company of horses.
Pause.
Notice.
Slow down.
Breathe.
In this moment, feel your connection to this horse and to this space.
What do you notice in your body? Where do you feel that in your body? What is the shape? Color? Texture? Sound? What do you taste? Smell? Hear? Feel? When you notice that, what do you notice next? And then next? And then next? Notice it all – around you and inside you.
Breathe it in.
Sense into and embody this moment. Let this moment become part of who you are, because this moment will pass, but your experience of it doesn’t have to. Breathe it in and take it with you. Your body can remember. THIS is what gratitude is all about. THIS is mindfulness at it’s best. THIS is what I pray you and your clients find this holiday season.
I use variations of this skill on a daily basis to help me connect to my body, the moment, and to others. This card is part of theNL Skill Cards and is available as an instant download (or the physical cards can be mailed to your home). The NL Skill Cards are also part of the Essential Connection Kit. I hope you find these cards helpful both personally and professionally!
Read here to learn about the research Dr. Robert Emmons has done on gratitude: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_gratitude_is_good
The Grateful Heart: The Psychophysiology of Appreciation https://www.heartmath.org/research/research-library/basic/grateful-heart-the-psychophysiology-of-appreciation/
by Kate Naylor | Jul 25, 2019 | Applied Principles, Parenting and Counseling Children
By Kate Naylor & Bettina Shultz-Jobe
A couple weeks ago, we shared this meme created by Our Mama Village about tantrums. After several long discussions on that Facebook post, we here at NaturalLifemanship felt we should write on the topic to help clarify the message we intended to demonstrate with the meme we posted. Additionally, it seems incredibly important to many parents and professionals that there be conversation on this topic – what is a tantrum and what is a meltdown….what do they have in common and how are they different? It is important to note that we are discussing these words as constructs – by definition the difference is minimal.
Follow the Facebook discussion here.
Let us begin by saying that we recognize there are many parents and professionals out there who care for children who experience challenging behaviors that others may not understand. We see that there is a need to educate the general population of the differences between behaviors.
At Natural Lifemanship we DO believe:
- that meltdowns are a product of overwhelm for ANY child
- that meltdowns should be treated with empathy and calm, kind presence
- that meltdowns are NOT an example of poor behavior in children or poor parenting practices
- Meltdowns occur due to a lack of skills to be able to regulate or handle emotional upset (depending on the child, the skills will come with age and learning, for other children these skills will be more difficult to acquire)
And at Natural Lifemanship, we ALSO believe:
- that tantrums are a typical part of a child’s development of proper communication
- Tantrums do not mean parents have done a poor job parenting
- Tantrums demonstrate a lack of skill to communicate in a relationally appropriate way (some children will acquire this skill with time and practice, some will learn tantrums are their most effective way to communicate and continue using them)
- Tantrums are not an example of willful manipulation with malicious intent – they are a behavior that all children attempt to get their needs met. We approach tantrums with the same empathy and kind presence as we do meltdowns. (depending on the child, the skills will come with age and learning, for other children these skills will be more difficult to acquire)
So what’s the difference?
A meltdown demonstrates a CAN’T from the lower regions of the brain. When a child is experiencing more sensory or emotional input than he or she can handle their nervous system becomes overwhelmed and sometimes this leads to intense reactions like strong crying, falling on the floor, yelling, physical aggression, self-harm, and attempts at self soothing like rocking. This is an example of the sensorial, motor, and emotional regions of the brain being so overwhelmed that control over these regions is temporarily lost. The way we adults respond to this matters. We respond with bottom-up regulation – caring, calm presence, deep breaths of our own, and if possible, rhythm that the child does not have produce herself (holding her, rocking her, tapping a rhythm she can hear, etc.). This is not a moment for teaching or lots of questions (this requires upper brain regions that are “offline” in that moment). Once the child is calm again, we can connect and teach skills for handling overwhelm or communicating overwhelm. A child’s ability to learn these skills is always there, but their progress will vary based on their development, capacity, and the predictability of the interactions between the child and the adults around her.
A tantrum is also a CAN’T but from the upper regions of the brain. Imagine a typical small child in a typical day. How frequently is this child in control of their lives? Not very frequently, at all. They hear the word “no” throughout the day, they don’t have a strong enough vocabulary to communicate clearly their needs and wants, and they often are not allowed to do or have what they want because of an adult stopping them (for a multitude of reasons). So, when a child is not developmentally to the point where their brain and bodies can communicate well, they feel controlled, and they are desperately searching for a sense of their own control – tantrums follow. When a child hears “no” for the hundredth time, when they want something they cannot have and experience disappointment, when they try to communicate an idea and we adults don’t listen or don’t understand – the child experiences overwhelm in their thinking and feeling and in turn has a strong reaction that may include similar behaviors to a meltdown. In this situation we often can respond in a more “top-down” approach, using words and reasoning that speak to the upper regions of the brain, BUT we ALSO need to regulate and soothe ALL the regions of the brain for the child to truly calm down. This means we need to be as calm and kind in our presence as we are during a meltdown. We believe there is an important distinction between a tantrum being seen as difficulty with communication versus willful manipulation. One perspective attempts to understand the behavior and address the root problem, the other is a blaming stance that does not attempt to address the difficulty underneath. These two perspectives often lead adults to two different kinds of responses. THIS is the issue we intended to address with the meme we posted from Our Mama Village. We DO not believe tantrums to be malicious or willful – brain science tells us it is a lack of communication skills, a lack of development, that leads to tantrums.
Of course, we can reinforce a tantrum by giving in to the request and teach a child that tantrums are effective – so we encourage parents to be firm in setting and maintaining an appropriate limit during a tantrum…but we can do that with kindness and empathy.
As a quick side note, we believe that adults can also have tantrums and meltdowns. Many adults also lack the skills to communicate their needs when they feel powerless, overwhelmed, etc. The experience and embodiment of trauma – and the resulting mental health diagnoses – often result in an inability to regulate and handle overwhelm or emotional upset. This is very important to understand if you do therapy with adults, especially if you do equine assisted psychotherapy (EAP) with adults -dysregulation and regression are often a part of the process – how we handle this is so important. We also believe that horses and other animals have tantrums (as the upper regions of their brains develop more) and meltdowns. How we handle tantrums and meltdowns with horses and other animals, especially when doing EAP or EAL is such an important part of the process. It is important that we model how to address the need underneath the behavior in our sessions. Tantrums and meltdowns happen with adults and animals for the same reasons stated above, and should be handled the same way – with empathy and a kind presence. Remember, a good principle is a good principle regardless of where it is applied.
by Jamie Morley | Apr 20, 2019 | Applied Principles, Case Studies, Testimonials & Reflections
In December 2017, I attended my first NL Intensive training in Brenham, TX. I’m pretty sure it was day two, which in my experience at these trainings, is when things really start getting stirred up internally. This life lesson came to me in my blind spot. Like a horse’s blind spot, it was right in front of my face (or maybe right behind my rear?). In fact, the only one who could see what was going on was my partner for the weekend.
I was in the round pen with the horse, Indigo (name has been changed for this article), trying to connect through attachment. When we had worked together the day before, we had a pretty quick connection, so I figured it would happen pretty easily again. This was not the case. Indigo was completely ignoring me. So I started to gradually increase my efforts, going from clucking and calling her name, to stomping my feet, to waving my hands in the air, to getting closer and jumping up and down and waving my hands all at the same time.
My partner stopped me (thank goodness!). I walked over to her and took a much needed break from all the jumping and flailing around. She said something simple like, “It seems to me like your energy on the outside does not match your energy on the inside”. At first I shot a quick answer back like, “Really? I feel like all of my energy is as high as it can go! I don’t know what else to do.” And then the thought settled somewhere deep within, and I took a deep breath and looked at her. She was right.
At some point, Tim Jobe had joined the conversation (he has a way of popping in at the just the right moment). He asked something to the effect of, “What might be keeping you from raising your internal energy?” I explained that it felt like there is a line that divides where I feel safe and comfortable to make an “ask” in a relationship and where it feels all together too risky and vulnerable. Tim asked, “What is the risk if you cross that line?” I started to process out loud about how if I gave more energy toward the relationship, what if it wasn’t reciprocated? What if she still kept ignoring me? The fear of losing what connection I did have seemed to outweigh the potential of gaining an even deeper connection. A wave of realization was rushing over me. This, of course, directly correlated to how I often felt in my human relationships.
Then something beautiful happened that I’ll never forget. By this point, I was back to standing in proximity to Indigo. As soon as I acknowledged my true inner feelings to Tim and my partner, Indigo turned and came toward me. She planted herself right there next to me as tears began to steadily stream down my face. I hadn’t even asked her to come over. She chose to all on her own. And all I could do was stand there next to her and let the tears fall freely. I savored that moment with her and all that she “said” to me through her actions.
In a way that only a horse can, she affirmed so many truths for me in this moment. She affirmed that all she wanted was the real me. She didn’t require that I had it all together. She only required that I was being real with myself and with her. It was as if she was saying, “Oh good, you’re truly present with me and now I want to come be with you”. She also affirmed that the experience of a connection like this was totally worth the risk and vulnerability it took to get it.
“Most people believe vulnerability is weakness. But really, vulnerability is courage. We must ask ourselves…are we willing to show up and be seen?”
–Brene Brown
Self-sufficiency has met her match, her name is Vulnerability. It’s only through vulnerability that true connection is experienced. Self-sufficiency may give a false sense of security, but it will forever leave me feeling disconnected from others. Indigo helped me realize that what I want more than independence and self-sufficiency is the sense of being known and accepted for who I am. In order to get this, I have to show up in relationships as my authentic, vulnerable, messy self.
Every day we have the choice. Today I choose vulnerability.
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Jamie offers life coaching, both equine assisted and non-equine, to the Central Ohio area. She is dual certified through Natural Lifemanship as a Practitioner and an Equine Professional and is a certified Life Coach through the JRNI Catalyst Coaching Intensive. Her coaching business, Hope Anew, thrives on this motto: Healing Occurs through Purposeful Elements- Art, Nature, Environment, and Well-being. She loves taking creative approaches to helping people on their path to personal growth, as the path to transformation looks different for everyone!
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