On September 27th, the day Hurricane Helene devastated Florida, North Carolina, and several other states, I was supposed to be traveling to Asheville for a Fundamentals Practicum at Horse Sense of the Carolinas. I have family in Florida, who evacuated to Texas and some who braved both hurricanes. Having lived over 10 years in Central Florida with hurricanes and 10 years as a young child in the Panhandle of Texas with tornadoes, my heart and body ache for those whose lives will never be the same.
I feel it. My body remembers, which is a powerful, and sometimes painful, path to empathy.
This is a hard time. . . I think there is likely a much more eloquent way to communicate just how hard it really is right now, but, without simply adding cuss words to the front of “hard time,” this is all I’ve got at the moment.
I know. . .it’s heavy.
With elections looming, fires raging, and hurricanes wreaking absolute havoc, there are moments that I feel like the world is spinning out of control.
As healers and helpers, this feeling of overwhelm can hit even harder—because we’re not only trying to manage our own emotions, we’re also holding space for others and for ourselves in unique ways. We helpers are often particularly sensitive and empathetic, and we seek day by day to be present and to deeply feel with others – to stay in it. All of it.
I regularly fight the urge to just put my head down and pretend none of it is happening, but I know this isn’t what the world needs from me, and when I choose to check out I know it goes against everything that we teach and everything that we, at NL, stand for.
Healing is found in the present moment. Period. And sometimes the present moment is painful.
Our world needs people like us, who are deeply attuned to it all, so we can decide how to truly help. (Right now, as I write, I find the need to take a deep breath. I invite you to pause and take a deep breath with a slow exhale with me.)
Finding Power in Kindness
How do we stay in it and keep feeling without getting swept up in the enormity of it all? When everything seems out of control, what is within our power? What can we possibly do to make things better?
I love this quote, which is on a magnet on the refrigerator in our kitchen, from Rebecca Hubbard’s book, Kindness in a Scary World, one of my favorite children’s books: “Every small thing a person does is just as important as every big thing a person does. If we all do a little, then those little kindnesses add up to a huge amount of help.”
I have come to realize that many of the things in this world that are true – Big T True – have a tendency to also sound trite. They can sound trite until they’ve trudged through the fire and flood and drought (both literally and figuratively), and come out on the other side as a Truth etched into every inch of our being. This, my friend, is how a mission, worth making major sacrifices for, maybe even worth dying for, is formed.
“Every small thing a person does is just as important as every big thing a person does. If we all do a little, then those little kindnesses add up to a huge amount of help.”
This is Big T True.
Kindness, to ourselves and to others, becomes our power. Dare I say, SUPER POWER.
Rebecca Hubbard’s book, Kindness in a Scary World, was originally written to empower children when facing scary news events. But, like many children’s books, it offers wisdom that applies to all of us—adults, too.
Children see things on the news or experience fear directly, and they start to wonder, What can I do? What could happen? These same questions are on our minds as adults. The answer is simple: we can each do something kind.
Kindness Toward Self and Others
As therapists and healers, we are accustomed to being the support system for our clients. But now, more than ever, we need to ensure we’re taking care of ourselves as well, because the stronger we are, the more we can offer to others. Listen to your body, and take time to pause so you can repair from the stress of the day or the moment. Walk, stretch, sit in a rocking chair, talk with a friend, and then mobilize again.
Can we, as a community, commit to doing at least one kind thing for ourselves each day and then – not only for the sake of others, but for our sense of purpose and power – do one kind thing for someone else each day? Kindness with a slightly different intention – kindness to help others and to empower ourselves.
As we all know, acts of kindness can take many forms: eye contact with the person checking us out at the grocery store, a deep breath in a group setting, a kind prayer for the person who cuts us off in traffic, for we know that each of us is fighting, an often unseen, battle.
Connect with others. We can even donate our time or money to a cause that aligns with our values. These acts help us remember that we are not powerless, and when we are empowered, trauma is less likely to become embodied, so that we can continue to do the life-giving and life-changing work we have been called to.
When we each do a little, we are participating in something much larger than ourselves. Imagine if every therapist, healer, and helper in our community committed to one kind act toward themselves and toward others, each day. Imagine the energy and the momentum that would build.
We can find solace in knowing that our individual actions, when combined with others, can shift the energy of an entire community. It’s a ripple effect of kindness that can grow and grow.
We may not be able to stop hurricanes or fires, or even heal the wounds of a divided society overnight, but we can start by extending kindness.
Final Thoughts: Turning Powerlessness into Action
No matter how overwhelming the world feels right now, remember that you are not alone and you are not powerless.
As EAS practitioners, we are uniquely positioned to create positive change, both for ourselves and for our clients. By committing to kindness, we can take small steps toward healing—both personally and collectively.
In the coming days, let’s come together as a community and commit to doing one kind thing for ourselves and for someone else each day. And let’s remember Rebecca Hubbard’s words: “Every small thing a person does is just as important as every big thing a person does.”
Kindness isn’t just an antidote to fear—it’s a powerful force for good. Let’s wield it well.
It’s important to remember that we have the power to make a difference, no matter how small it may seem.
Consider donating to Heart of Horse Sense, where your contribution will go directly to supporting those who have been affected by Hurricane Helene in Asheville and the surrounding areas. Natural Lifemanship will match donations up to $2,000, doubling the impact of your generosity. Simply mention Natural Lifemanship when you donate.
To purchase Rebecca Hubbard’s Kindness in a Scary World or to donate to Heart of Horse Sense, please visit the links below. Together, we can make a difference.
As a therapist or other healing practitioner interested in expanding their repertoire to include Equine Assisted Services, there are a handful of things to consider. Depending on prior training or experience, the transition into equine work may feel quite easy, or drastically different!
At Natural Lifemanship we hope to support those seeking this change in having a clearer vision of what is required for offering quality and ethical equine assisted services. In this blog we will address the move to experiential work – a shift that is often challenging.
This is an excerpt from a chapter called Considerations for the therapist wanting to incorporate equines that Kate Naylor and I contributed to Shannon Knapp’s most recent edition of Horse Sense Business Sense.
Moving from Talk Therapy to Experiential Work
The process of equine assisted services can feel fairly different for conventional therapists or coaches moving out of an office setting. Much of what is practiced in office is “talk” therapy, or a more cognitive approach to healing. This approach, centered around the discussion of life events, being curious about thoughts and assumptions, and planning for making changes outside of session can be very helpful for some clients, however it is an approach that focuses on a single way of functioning (cognitive, or primarily thought-focused), which can be limiting.
Expanding Our Understanding of Healing
In the last 50 years or more, research focused on mental health continues to deepen its understanding on what is effective and best supports long lasting change. One significant shift in thinking that has occurred due to this research is the understanding that cognitive processes are only one way of approaching mental health, and often operate at a more surface level of functioning.
In order for us, as therapists, to facilitate deep change we have to also go below the level of verbal processing. Typically, experiential therapies do just that.
Why Experiential Work in Equine Assisted Services is Different
In Equine Assisted Services there are a multitude of opportunities to engage with a client on the level of sensation, emotion, movement, and relational connection that do not require verbal processing, and when paired with the addition of verbal processing of thoughts and beliefs, we impact the brain and body in a more holistic manner.
For example, a client in an EAS session will not only be affected by what he and the therapist say, but also by the natural world that influences their senses, the movements their body is able to make while moving around the natural space, and the connections that are offered from the horse as well as the therapy team. If a practitioner also offers mounted work as a part of the therapy, then even more sensorimotor impact is available to the client.
New Demands for the Practitioner
What this all means, though, is that there are often new demands on the conventional therapist or helping professional.
To transition to EAS, but to continue doing straightforward “talk” or cognitive therapies disregards the unique benefits of an experiential approach, especially one including animals such as horses.
Generally speaking, a therapist wanting to include equines in their work would benefit from at least a working understanding of the way somatics, human development, and attachment issues arise in a therapy session – as well as how to impact these areas to cultivate health.
Unique Challenges and Benefits of EAS
An EAS session can be a dramatically different experience than a talk therapy session held in an office because of the necessary inclusion of the environment, the sensorimotor, and the ongoing relationships that surround the client. The environment is significantly less controlled, everyone in the system has freedom of movement, there are typically more beings present than in an office session, and equines present a level of the unexpected that requires flexibility and creativity.
How Uncontrollable Factors Facilitate Change
The uncontrollable factors can bring a small (or sometimes large) increase in stress for clients, pushing them out of their comfort zone. This push is often very effective at bringing client issues to the surface – many EAS practitioners feel their clients uncover and address their difficulties more quickly in this experiential format than in talk therapy alone. Manageable amounts of stress (called eustress) create an environment ripe for change.
The Importance of Spontaneity in Therapy and Learning
In these sorts of sessions, the best material for therapeutic processing is what arises in the moment, between client and horse, client and therapy team, horse and therapy team, or even client and the environment – this is something that cannot be strategically planned or prepared for. What arises in the moment may be the result of current events or past traumas, or both – and can be explored through the body, the emotions, the relationships, or through thoughts and words…or ideally, all of the above.
There are some approaches to EAS that are more prescriptive (i.e. they offer prescribed activities for different situations) – however, even when doing planned activities, the richest material for therapy is what spontaneously arises in the felt experiences of each participant, including the relational dynamics that are present.
The Practitioner’s Role in Experiential Work
All of this flexibility, creativity, and spontaneity does place more burden on the therapist or practitioner to be well developed in their own way – not just in having a sufficient toolbox of interventions, but also in a personal practice of mental, physical, and emotional health.
Our Upcoming Conference: Rooted 2025
We have planned our 2025 Conference, Rooted, with all of this in mind. I’m super excited about a workshop with Reccia Jobe in which she will specifically teach the skills needed to facilitate experiential work. Reccia has spent the majority of her career honing this skill and talent.
There are also a variety of presentations on Somatic and Attachment Work, from experts on these topics. These presentations will allow our community to continue to hone the skills needed to do the life-changing experiential work that so many of us have committed our lives to.
To name a few:
Embodying and Incorporating Somatic Work: Concret Toold for Your Practice and Your Live with Laura Hutler and Beth Burgmeyer.
Processing Trauma Through the Somatic Lense with Ateeka Contee and Mary Sue McCarthy
Bringing a Somatic/Yoga Blend of Grounding and Regulating Practice into Practical Application with Jessica BentonMind-Body Skills for Healing and Transformation with Meghan Bass-Petti
Understanding Attachment Protest Behavior in Clinical Work with Gina Staves
Navigating Distance: Parental Self-Regulation During Detachment from Birth to Adulthood with Danielle Cotter
Attachment: Going Beyond the Interpersonal with Kate Naylor and Sara Sherman
Don’t miss the opportunity to deepen your understanding of experiential work and enhance your therapeutic practice by joining us at Rooted 2025. With workshops and presentations led by leading experts in somatics, attachment, and equine-assisted services, you’ll gain invaluable tools and insights to elevate your practice and support lasting change for your clients. Secure your spot today and be a part of this transformative event that will inspire and equip you for the life-changing work you’re passionate about. Get your tickets now!
My lovely husband and amazing business partner, Tim Jobe, recently spoke with the Horses & Humans Research Foundation about healing, consent, attunement, and so much more. This discussion is about relationships. . . period. ALL relationships, including those we have with horses.
Please let us know what you think and share widely.
In every field, from athletics to the arts, from leadership to therapy, mastery is often viewed as being elusive—almost even mythical. It’s easy to believe that those who reach the pinnacle of their craft have tapped into some hidden well of knowledge or they have a natural talent that sets them apart.
While gifting and art and feel certainly contribute to greatness in any field, any master will tell you that mastery is built on a deep, intimate understanding of the fundamentals and a long-term commitment to doing them over and over again.
Excellence is the relentless pursuit of the basics
There is nothing more powerful than returning to the basics. No matter what you are learning, the road to mastery is paved with the consistent practice of foundational principles and practices.
I love the photo at the top of this blog because it represents one of my favorite stories from one of our Practicums. This horse is named Ed, a very experienced and confident, well-trained equine. His owner says that he is “her rock.” The person you see in the photo is Krystal Raley, a seasoned professional in this field, who later agreed to become an NL trainer. The weekend this picture was taken, they both returned, again, to the basics, and then slowed it WAY down – the result was nothing short of beautiful. I shared this story, and a few others, in our recent webinar, Slow Down & Do Less (Better).
The Fundamentals of NL is not a starting point to be left behind but a cornerstone to be revisited time and time again. Everything we do is an extension of basic principles, refined and expanded upon. This is true in every discipline. In martial arts, for example, the black belt is often seen not as the end of training but as a return to the beginning—a recognition that mastery is the result of perfecting the basic movements.
In therapy, coaching, and learning, and particularly in the context of Natural Lifemanship, the fundamentals involve keen listening and attunement, embodied regulation and co-regulation, skillful management of rhythm, body energy, and pressure, and a proficient navigation of the steps needed to build genuine connection through closeness and distance.
It’s in the repetition of these principles that true expertise is developed. A true master knows that their success lies in their willingness to return to the fundamentals, to practice them with the same diligence and attention as when they first began.
In our work with clients, it’s tempting to seek out the latest techniques or to focus on novel task-based approaches. While innovation has its place (certainly!), it should never come at the expense of the foundational elements that make our work effective.
More techniques will not make up for gaps we may have in our understanding and execution of the basics. When we skip past the basics because they seem tedious or hard, the gap in our practice only becomes more glaring as we try to compensate by learning more tasks, more techniques, or more skills.
Our clients and equine partners benefit most when we are rooted in the basics, ensuring that every single interaction is grounded in the principles that foster genuine connection, healing, and growth.
Committing to the Journey
Mastery is not a destination but a continuous journey—one that circles back to the basics time and time again. Each time we circle back, while the truth may not fundamentally change, it does sink deeper and deeper into our soul.
Most of us agree, for example, that “connection heals” – at the beginning of a journey this belief might not carry much depth or texture. It may be mostly theory or might even seem trite. There was a time in my journey that this belief was, indeed, a bit trivial.
I knew it was true for sure, but today when I say “connection heals,” I mean something wildly different than I did even 5 years ago. Further along a sustained and arduous healing journey of my own and with many others, “connection heals” is a belief worth fighting for. For me, it is even a belief worth dying for. THIS is the power of a pilgrimage, a lifelong journey in which we meander and quietly saunter back to the values we hold dear, over and over again.
In every field, those who achieve greatness are those who understand the power of this journey – that there is nothing more powerful than returning to the Fundamentals. By embracing this truth in our own practices and in our own lives, we can guide our clients toward lasting change and deep, meaningful healing.
As we continue to grow and evolve in our work, let us never lose sight of the importance of the basics. For it is through the relentless execution of these fundamentals that we—and our clients—can achieve true excellence.
Whether this Fall will be your first time taking the Fundamentals of NL or you’re taking it for the third, fourth or fifth time, you’re making the right decision. We encourage our community to revisit the Fundamentals often to fully embody the principles and be able to call upon them when you need them. We hope to see you in the Fundamentals this Fall!
Creating a safe place for clients to feel comfortable being themselves, free from judgment and harm, while discussing and exploring their life experiences is vital to providing effective therapy and an imperative part of the therapeutic process. However, for many clinicians and therapy teams, creating safety often stops there. Clinicians and therapy teams spend a tremendous amount of time creating an inviting and safe place for clients but put little thought into how to assist clients in developing and internalizing their own safety. If clinicians and therapy teams only focus on creating safety within their environment, and do not help clients develop their own internal safety, clients do not learn how to establish it in their own lives.
As we learn more about trauma and become trauma-informed, we must consider the impact of clinicians/therapy teams being the only generator of safety and how this can potentially recreate feelings of powerlessness and reinforce the power differential between clinicians and clients that is reminiscent of the abuser victim dynamic where one person maintains all the power.
We need to teach clinicians/therapy teams how to create a safe place and then shift the power of creating safety from the clinician to the client, making it a shared endeavor. But how do we shift the power of creating safety for the client? We begin by creating safe and brave spaces.
What is a Brave Space?
Merriam-Webster dictionary defines brave as “having or showing mental or moral strength to face danger, fear or difficulty.” To be brave, a person or being must take action to face the challenge or struggle. One cannot be brave by just thinking about doing it; being brave is the action of engaging in the struggle.
To create safety for oneself, a person has to take action. But taking action is scary, difficult, and sometimes overwhelming, so people avoid it. What if I fail? What if I make a mistake? What if someone sees me and laughs at me or takes advantage of me? However, meaningful change, the kind that changes core beliefs, long-held patterns, and attachment styles, requires action.
Clinicians/therapy teams must create spaces where clients can safely take action. We call these spaces brave spaces. In a brave space, clients are engaged in doing, making decisions, trying new ways of being, getting outside their comfort zone, and taking appropriate risks. Clients can make mistakes without fear of being shamed, humiliated, teased, or punished. They learn that mistakes are information to help them know what to keep and change. They challenge their beliefs that there is only one way to do something and learn that there are many ways to accomplish their goals. Creating this type of environment assists clients in developing within themselves their own safe place from which to grow.
Brave spaces and safe places have many components in common. They are both spaces free from judgment, shame, punishment, and humiliation. Both spaces are supportive and encouraging. Both provide the client a space to explore difficult topics with the help of a caring other. The components of a brave space are not all that different from those of a safe place. The difference is in helping the client to take action and engage in the struggle, thus building the muscles needed to be brave and create safety.
But how do you encourage clients to take action since taking action is an extremely vulnerable process? Below, we outline the components of a brave space that assists people in taking action. These components are each part of a recursive feedback loop that generates more opportunities for being brave and creating safety.
Components of a Brave Space: How to Assist Clients in Taking Action
You Are Welcome Here
It is common for clinicians//therapy teams to create a welcoming physical space or atmosphere. Still, they often forget about the role of their spirit, body, and mind in creating this atmosphere. A friend and colleague, Patricia Van Horn, Ph.D., said, “Who you are is just as important as what you do.” To create the essence of all of you is welcome here, clinicians/therapy teams must mindfully create a deep sense of welcome within their body, spirit, and mind. To do this, clinicians/therapy teams must have a genuine interest in and care for their clients. It is difficult to achieve a welcoming spirit when you dislike or are uncomfortable with someone.
Clinicians/therapy teams must find within themselves something they like or admire about a challenging client. Doing this takes work. It requires clinicians/therapy teams to identify what impedes them from finding positive regard for that client.
Clinicians/therapy teams must also be fully present in their bodies. They cannot be partially present or dissociated, even minimally. So, clinicians/therapy teams must find what they need to be fully present. Do they need to see fewer clients back-to-back without breaks? Do they need to see fewer clients per day? Do they need to alter their schedule so they work mornings or evenings? Do they need to narrow the scope of their practice? Do they need to address an issue in their own therapy? This, too, takes work. Clinicians/therapy teams must be able to take a self-assessment and be self-aware to know what they need to be fully present for their clients.
Lastly, clinicians/therapy teams must believe that their clients are capable and able to achieve health and well-being. If clinicians/therapy teams have a doubt, that doubt will show up in their bodies, spirits, and minds, and the client will feel it. The client may not be able to identify it, but they will notice it, which impedes their ability to do the work. So, if clinicians/therapy teams do not believe in a client or their ability to accomplish their goals, the clinicians/therapy teams need to determine why that is and address it themselves or refer the client. Clinicians/therapy teams need to have deep faith in their client’s abilities because clients need that level of support to take the risks they need to take to achieve their goals.
Be Authentic/Genuine and Encourage Authenticity/Genuineness
Many years ago, training programs taught clinicians to offer their clients a “tabula rasa,” a blank slate, for clients to paint onto clinicians whatever they wished. Some schools of thought still prescribe this way of being in the therapeutic relationship. However, we find that being a blank slate impedes the client’s ability to engage in the risk-taking that is necessary to change their lives.
In our work, we have discovered that it is essential for clinicians/therapy teams to be authentic and present in the therapeutic relationship to create the kind of environment needed for growth and change. Being authentic means, clinicians/therapy teams experience emotions, own their emotions, apologize when they are wrong or when they have been hurtful, ask for and engage in “do-overs,” and show genuine feelings for clients. To do this well and maintain appropriate boundaries, clinicians/therapy teams must do their own work. We feel it is not fair or appropriate to ask clients to do something their clinician/therapy team has not done or is unwilling to do.
Encouraging clients to be authentic and genuine is a moment-by-moment endeavor that clinicians/therapy teams must approach with compassion and welcome. Allowing the client to express genuine thoughts and emotions is essential and sometimes difficult. Since most clients are just starting this process, they can be harsh when sharing their thoughts and feelings. It is important for clinicians/therapy teams to refrain from taking this personally and remember that the client is learning how to communicate effectively and needs the space to do it imperfectly so they can learn.
Also, clinicians/therapy teams need to remember to see this as a process and see the client’s behavior through the lens of positive intent. Doing so will help clinicians/therapy teams respond in ways that are helpful to the client on their journey of being authentic and genuine and not shut down their clients. That does not mean clinicians/therapy teams cannot discuss how the client’s words or actions impacted them as the relationship grows. Clients often are unaware of how their words or behavior impact others. By understanding how they impacted the clinician/therapy team, clients can experience a deeper relationship rooted in genuine care and growth that nurtures the client and their ability to foster meaningful relationships in their lives. When clients and clinicians/therapy teams can be authentic, further integration and healing occur.
Be Vulnerable and Encourage Vulnerability
No one likes being vulnerable. This openness with another can create fear of rejection and harm. To work in a brave space, clients and clinicians/therapy teams must be vulnerable. We can create an environment where clients feel more at ease being vulnerable when clinicians/therapy teams appropriately show vulnerability. Clinicians/therapy teams should not ask clients to be vulnerable when they are unwilling to do so themselves. Vulnerability fosters connection and compassion. An excellent way for clinicians/therapy teams to be vulnerable is to show their humanity by admitting to their mistakes and making meaningful repairs. When clinicians/therapy teams do this, they are showing the client the power of vulnerability and how it strengthens the relationship.
Another way clinicians/therapy teams can be vulnerable is by sharing a brief experience of when they similarly struggled. Sharing this experience can have the power to humanize the clinician/therapy team and the client’s experiences. However, these disclosures must be brief, accessible, and meaningful to clients. They must contribute to the work and not detract from it. If self-disclosure is about the clinician/therapy team and not the client, then disclosing is inappropriate.
When done wrong, self-disclosure can derail the therapy and negatively impact the therapeutic relationship. When done well, self-disclosure reveals the client’s struggle to be a human struggle and produces the feeling that we are in this together.
Another way of creating an environment in which it is safe to be vulnerable is to honor any attempts at vulnerability by demonstrating to the client that the clinician/therapy team will not reject or harm them. How a clinician/therapy team responds with their actions, words, and energy will either show the client it is safe to be vulnerable or shut down further attempts at vulnerability.
Hold with Compassion
Of course, none of these components would be helpful if clinicians/therapy teams shamed or punished themselves or their clients for actions, behaviors, or beliefs. Clinicians/therapy teams must create an environment of compassion and curiosity so that clinicians/therapy teams and clients are free to try new things. Having a compassionate-curious stance provides the opportunity to carefully examine actions, behaviors, and beliefs in a non-threatening manner. It also allows for the possibility of new understanding, a different perspective, and alternative actions that improve relationships with self and others and shed the cloak of toxic shame that suffocates so many.
How do clinicians/therapy teams hold with compassion and become curious about themselves, their clients, and their experiences? First, they must examine their reactions and learn their impact on themselves and others. They must identify the harmful ways they engage with themselves and give themselves kindness and compassion for their experiences before they can help clients see their patterns and provide clients with compassion. They must understand that their experiences of suffering, failing, and feeling inadequate are part of the human experience. They must hold these feelings gently and give themselves understanding and kindness while addressing the changes that need to occur.
If clinicians/therapy teams do not practice self-compassion, the experience they provide clients is incomplete. When compassion is only from the neocortex, it inadvertently teaches clients the “words” of compassion but not the whole meaning and experience of compassion.
Create Meaningful Connection
In a nutshell, therapy is about creating meaningful connections with self and others. Clinicians/therapy teams can facilitate meaningful connections by meeting clients where they are and understanding their unique experiences and perspectives. They can assume positive intent of clients’ actions and behaviors, be in the struggle with clients, and hold contradictory ideas with compassion, showing clients that they truly understand, care, and have compassion for them.
When clinicians/therapy teams do this, they teach clients how to do the same for themselves. They can explore and hold dear clients’ spiritual practices and actively bring their spirituality into sessions, conveying to clients the importance of their whole selves.
Clinicians/therapy teams can listen to clients with their whole selves (bodies and neo-cortexes) instead of just their thinking brains and hear more than the words that clients convey, which leads to a deeper understanding of clients and their experiences. When clinicians/therapy teams use this ability to listen to clients’ whole selves (bodies and words), clients feel deeply seen and can begin to hear all of themselves.
When clinicians/therapy teams notice, for instance, that a client’s body is saying no but their words are saying yes, and they pause to listen to the client’s body instead of ignoring it, they are teaching the client to listen too. Their actions convey that the client’s body signals are important information that should not be ignored or minimized. When clinicians/therapy teams help clients connect with themselves in these ways, clients discover things about themselves and their experiences that they were unaware of before. They may find new strengths, beliefs, and values or discover new fears, concerns, or worries. As clients learn how to honor and listen to what their bodies are telling them, they become more compassionate and understanding of themselves, and they become safer.
All of these practices help clients feel profoundly understood and build trust with the clinician/therapy team, laying the groundwork for clients to connect with themselves and treat themselves with compassion. Having compassion for oneself allows for deeper connection and compassion for others.
A Million Other Ways
Many people believe there are only a few “right” ways to do something. This belief contributes to self-judgment and shame. It stifles creativity and problem-solving ability, leading to powerlessness and an external locus of control. It removes the ability to learn how to take appropriate risks. At its most dangerous, this belief causes us to become immobilized with fear and overcome with depression. It ceases our growth.
Helping people understand that there are unlimited ways to do something frees them up to be themselves, think outside the box, and take risks that can help them grow. People often have difficulty changing their mindset that there are unlimited ways to achieve something because they were taught as children that there are right and wrong ways to do something. This is a difficult notion to let go of, so it is easier to focus on whether something is working for clients and whether it is good for their relationships with themselves and others. Rather than determining whether or not what they did was “right.” Natural Lifemanship teaches that if it is not good for one person in the relationship, it is eventually not good for either person.
We often run into the mindset that there is only one right way. We explain to clients our belief that there are millions of ways to do things, then ask them to try. We accept their attempts as long as they are not dangerous to the clients or others.
We once had a client who did not know how to put a halter on her horse, so she hung the halter off the horse’s ear and asked the horse to follow her to the barn. To the surprise of many, the horse followed the client to the barn despite the client using the halter differently. The client didn’t have to learn how to put the halter on because we were not teaching horsemanship. Instead, we were doing therapy and trying to change negative patterns. The fact that the client attempted something was helpful because she was learning how to experiment and let go of thought patterns that kept her stuck. That she successfully got her horse to the barn delighted her and gave her confidence that her ideas could work.
Clients are often fearful of trying and making a mistake, so they ask how to do something. When we encounter this, we remind clients that there is no right way to do it. Often, this statement frees them to try. We teach clients to see “mistakes” and “failures” as information received about what worked and what did not work and to use this information in their next attempt. There is no judgment or determination about whether the attempt was good or bad.
If clients ask for help, we ask them to try their best before assisting. If, after trying with some trial and error, clients still request help, we ask what type of help they want or need. Once the client identifies the help needed, we provide it as directed by the client. Usually, when people dismiss the idea that there is one right way and they actually try, they are successful. The more clients are allowed to figure things out on their own and do it their way, the more they try to do things and the more powerful they feel about making decisions in their lives.
Connect to the Body & Practice Exercising Good Decision Making
Clients who have experienced repeated abuse are more likely to be re-victimized. There are many ways to think about why this may occur. One idea is when individuals experience repeated abuse by a loved one, they often have to push down or ignore their alarm system to maintain the relationship. Years of ignoring the body’s response disconnects clients from the physiological responses of their body’s threat assessment, making it very difficult to recognize unsafe situations. All the clues clients use to determine whether a situation is safe or dangerous have become confused or silenced because their system was overridden repeatedly, eventually producing a dissociated system.
Helping clients reconnect to their bodies and alarm systems by recognizing what their bodies are doing in response to specific situations and helping them learn how to interpret that information correctly is vital for their future safety. Clients often push through uncomfortable situations because it is a pattern of behavior for them and because clients believe it is what the clinician/therapy team expects of them. It is vital that clinicians/therapy teams stop a client and ask the client what is happening in their body when clinicians/therapy teams notice even the slightest discomfort. When clinicians/therapy teams do this, it assists clients in learning to listen to their bodies, and it builds trust between clients and clinicians/therapy teams because clinicians/therapy teams are listening deeply to their clients’ experiences. Clients, then, are able to make decisions that are protective and healthy for themselves and act on that information in a way that is good for their relationship with themselves and, ultimately, with others. As clients learn how to connect, read their own signals, and respond in a healthy, protective manner for themselves, their safety increases, and their relationships become healthier, too.
Allow Struggle
Clinicians/therapy teams must allow clients to practice these ideas and learn to take appropriate risks. It is important to allow clients to struggle while monitoring their window of tolerance. Allowing for struggle provides the opportunity for clients to overcome and own their power. Being fully present while clients struggle offers tremendous, genuine support and a powerful quality of being deeply seen.
Many clinicians/therapy teams are uncomfortable allowing clients to struggle because this feels like allowing suffering. But it is much like the butterfly who beats his wings against the cocoon to get stronger. If the butterfly is freed from the cocoon rather than bursting out on its own, it dies.
Clients need supportive struggle to get stronger. When clinicians/therapy teams allow clients to struggle while providing them with tremendous emotional support, clients discover that they have a broken belief system (I am not smart enough. I am not good enough. I can’t do anything.) that impedes their success. Once identified, this belief system can be repaired and healed through successfully overcoming struggles.
It is important to scaffold tasks so clients can succeed and have more opportunities to stay within their window of tolerance. The goal of doing is not perfection; it is healing the broken belief systems that free clients to take control of their lives and develop healthier relationships with themselves, others, and the world.
Saying No
Clinicians/therapy teams often overlook the importance of clients being able to say “no.” If clients cannot say no to something, they cannot give a true yes. No, is the barometer of choice and safety. If clients can say no to a clinician/therapy team and it is respected, clients have a choice in what the clinician/therapy team asks them to do. The client then can make the choice that they feel is best for them in the moment, which increases safety. If the client cannot say no, the clinician/therapy team requires the client to submit to their will, which decreases safety and can reinforce old, abusive relational patterns.
This is so important in our practice that we go over this in our intake. We tell clients that they have the power to answer or decline to answer questions and to decide what and how much to tell us. We practice them telling us, “I do not want to answer that,” and we show them what our response will be. We do this until we see that the client’s body is relaxed and able to set this boundary with us. Even with this practice, we know most clients will struggle to say, “I don’t want to answer that.” So, we listen with our whole selves, and when we notice a client’s discomfort, we ask, “Do you want to answer that question?” and remind them they have the right not to. Some clients test us and say, “I don’t want to answer that” to every question we ask. This usually only lasts for a session or two until they see that we actually accept their boundary.
Relationships are More Important Than Tasks
Helping clients understand that relationships are always more important than tasks (Natural Lifemanship principle) is a fundamental shift for most people. Most clients are more focused on the task at hand than on the relationship, which can cause them to make decisions when working on a task that negatively impacts their relationship.
When the value, relationship is more important than task, is applied, it strengthens their ability to have healthy relationships. When clients are practicing new skills, clinicians/therapy teams help clients by identifying times when clients are ignoring the relationship to complete the task, which invariably is harmful to the relationship in the long term. It is a skill to negotiate both the relationship and the task, and it requires a great deal of practice.
Do (Practice Practice Practice)
It is not enough to talk about change, being brave, or telling people there are unlimited ways to do things. Clinicians/therapy teams must provide clients with lots of time to practice being different within this supportive environment. When clients practice new things and new ways of being, they are being brave. This feeling of bravery and the experience of being brave goes with them each time they leave sessions. The more experiences clients have, the braver they become.
Create a Continual Learning Environment
In order to practice and have the freedom to try, to make mistakes, and to try something else, there has to be an environment of continual learning. This environment is fueled by curiosity, wonder, excitement, or anticipation for what will happen when we try something. No matter what happens, it is noticed and folded back in to understand the experience better. There is no judgment about what happened. There is no evaluation of whether what happened was right, wrong, good, or bad. We observe the outcome and use the information to decide on the next steps. An environment of continual learning creates within the client an attitude of continual learning that, like “a million ways,” frees clients to try new things and find their own answers.
In summary, when clinicians/therapy teams take the time to create brave spaces in addition to safe spaces, they give clients the power to create safety in their own lives, which allows clients to grow faster, become stronger, and engage in relationships with themselves and others in more healthy ways.
A do-over is a chance to correct a behavior, thought, or belief that interferes with the types of relationships we want to have. They are chances to practice something different. They are a method to build new pathways in the brain or strengthen pathways that are already there, but not used very often.
I like to think of do-overs as physical therapy for the brain.
A few years ago in New Mexico, I decided to break out the snowboard I had tried to learn to ride in my 20’s. I had somewhat mastered skiing and wanted a new challenge on the slopes. On this trip, I was now in my 30’s and hadn’t tried to snowboard in several years.
I didn’t have strong pathways in my brain to allow me to ride a snowboard very well. I took it slowly during the morning and gave myself some time to practice and gain skill on the bunny slopes before heading out with friends higher up the mountain.
I was doing well, weaving through traffic, controlling my speed, and avoiding a crash with a well-controlled abrupt stop. My confidence was increasing and I was finally beginning to feel comfortable on a snowboard. That was, until I crashed. In an attempt to avoid hitting someone else who had fallen, I caught an edge and lost control.
I tumbled and spun uncontrollably down the mountain, passing friends who were ahead of me. When my momentum faded and I was able to stop and assess my situation, I realized I had injured my wrist. I wanted to believe it was simply a sprain, and so I did. I declined offers to call ski patrol and have them take me down the mountain. I quickly picked myself up, convinced everyone I was ok, and headed down the mountain.
That was the most excruciatingly painful and slow trip down a slope I’ve ever experienced. Each small bump or groove I crossed caused enormous amounts of pain to shoot through my wrist and hand. Nausea, blurred vision, and lightheadedness quickly convinced me it was much more than a sprain as I dragged myself to the first aid station and called my friends to take me to a doctor.
Do-overs are a part of healing
My broken wrist required some time in a cast to heal. My injured ligaments required some physical therapy to learn to function properly after being held dormant for weeks. The physical therapy was painful. The ligaments in my wrist lost their resiliency. They didn’t want to move because the time in the cast had retrained them not to move anymore. The effects of the trauma they endured left them paralyzed. I had to retrain the ligaments to move in all of the ways they were supposed to so I could use my wrist again.
I had made some poor choices that led to events that damaged my wrist and therefore, my relationship with my wrist.
It could not and did not want to comply with my requests to move in ways that were good for our health. I wanted to have a good and productive relationship with my wrist again, so my wrist and I had to conduct do-overs, repeatedly, painfully, consistently for weeks. I had to maintain the pressure of conducting these do-overs as my wrist resisted in screams of pain. It wanted to stay put or only move in one or two ways. I had to say, “ok, wrist, we need to try that again in a different way.” And we would try it over and over and over again until we got the correct movements mastered.
After weeks of physical therapy, both at the clinic and at home, we didn’t have to keep conducting do-overs to get the movements correct. We had done them enough that my wrist was now trained to work appropriately on its own most of the time. There were a few occasions for about a year or two afterward where I would have some pain with too much strain of some sort. But it would subside, and each such episode would continue to strengthen my wrist.
Building new pathways in the brain takes practice
This same kind of retraining I had to do with my wrist applies to our relationships. If we want to build new or stronger pathways to thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors that improve our relationships, we have to practice what leads us there. We have to retrain our brains to follow new neural pathways.
First, we have to stop doing the things that are causing us problems. For example, my ligaments had to stop refusing to do anything except rest and hold my joint together.
But the healing didn’t end there.
My ligaments had to have something else to do. They had to be trained to move appropriately again.
Likewise, when we are trying to heal our wounds and those in our relationships, we can’t just train our brains to stop following the undesirable pathways. New pathways must be created in the brain. If we don’t intentionally do this, we just revert to the old pathways and the old behaviors that cause us problems.
Creating new pathways is painful, frustrating, and time-consuming business, just like retraining my ligaments was painful, frustrating, and time-consuming business.
I was frustrated because of the time it took, how painful it was, and that the healing wasn’t happening as quickly as I wanted. But I had to intentionally practice the therapeutic exercises hundreds of times before my ligaments began to learn the new movements.
Repeat as many times as necessary
This same approach applies to healing relationships. We have to practice a new thought or a new behavior before we begin to develop a new pathway in the brain for what we wish to achieve. And we have to do this over, and over, and over, and over again (hence, do-OVERS) for as many times as it takes to make the pathway big enough and strong enough that we do not have to intentionally practice anymore.
I’m going to say this part again, because in my work with children and caregivers I am often asked in exasperated tones, “How many times does it take?” The answer is IT TAKES AS MANY TIMES AS IT TAKES to create or strengthen that pathway in the brain. Once it’s there, our brains begin to automatically follow that pathway and we begin to see the effect of it in ALL of our relationships.
Just like when my wrist wanted to revert to the comfortable movements on days of too much stress, our brains may try to revert to old pathways when we experience too much stress or too much pressure. But if we continue to practice do-overs in those moments, we make the new pathways even stronger and, as an added bonus, we increase our tolerance for pressure and stress.
If you look at maladaptive behaviors, thought patterns, and beliefs through the do-over lens, you can begin to see them as opportunities for growth and change. The more you look through this lens, the more your perceptions about your difficult relationships begin to shift to something hopeful and healing.
Do overs are a skill that can be learned
Like anything we do for the first time, it’s unlikely we’ll be great at do-overs the first time we try. New pathways in the brain take time, patience and practice to build.
In the spirit of celebrating and practicing do-overs, this blog is an update of a post we published in 2016. It’s been updated and expanded based on all we’ve learned in the last 8 years! You can read the original here.
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