By Bettina Shultz-Jobe and Kate Naylor
In my last reflection, Complicated or Complex: Making Sense of a World in Distress, we explored the shared sense of disorientation many are carrying. We named how exhausting it is to treat a complex, living and relational system like a machine. And we found that steadiness begins when we release the demand for clarity and practice staying present with what is.
If the world is a complex system we cannot control but must relate to, then the nervous system becomes our compass. We must stop treating it like a machine to be fixed, and begin listening to it—and caring for it—as we would someone we love.
Listening to and tending to our nervous system is how we begin to understand what “the next right thing” looks like for us, in each moment. The answer isn’t “out there” to be found, it is within us – we hear it when we come back into presence, into regulation, into a steadiness born of our connection to ourselves. From this place, we can relate to the very alive complex system within which we exist, and do so in a way that honors our experience and that of our neighbors.
The Mechanics of Beginning Again
For many, mindfulness is the default tool for presence and regulation. Yet, it is often misunderstood as a way to bring ourselves into a state of calm. At its core, mindfulness is much simpler than that.
There is no required outcome. There is no promise of calm. Mindfulness is simply the ability to stay present enough to notice what is happening right now—and to begin again, moment by moment.
When the Body Tells a Different Story
Many mindfulness practices use the breath or the body as the anchor. But there is a complication: The body is not always in the present moment.
Imagine a tense conversation with your boss. Before you can think, your breath shortens and your shoulders tighten. You may feel the urge to freeze or defend. Often, this is the body’s memory of earlier experiences—a time when it truly was dangerous to speak up.
In moments like this, simply turning inward or focusing on the breath may not be helpful because the nervous system is triggered—the past has arrived in the present through the body. The body may already be amplifying a past survival response, and directing more attention toward it can intensify the reaction rather than settle it.
This is where mindful orientation to the present environment — to what is actually happening around me — becomes essential, because the environment is always in the present moment.
I recently discussed some of these concepts in this webinar.
Regulation Does Not Equal Calm
Like mindfulness, regulation is not about achieving calm—it’s about attuning to what’s actually happening in the moment.
It’s important to make a key distinction: regulation is not a feeling—it’s a match.
We often confuse “being regulated” with “feeling calm.” But true regulation means your nervous system’s response fits the environment you are in.
If you are in real danger, regulation looks like mobilization, vigilance, and protective action. A racing heart in a threatening situation is not a failure—it is your nervous system doing exactly what it was designed to do.
Regulation means staying present enough to respond to reality, rather than forcing a state of relaxation that doesn’t match the facts. When the environment is safe, your system can rest. When the environment is threatening, it mobilizes. In every moment, regulation is about alignment—matching your response to the demands of the situation.
Flow is Birthed From Friction
This honesty about our environment is what makes “flow” possible. We often think of flow—that state of total immersion where time disappears—as something that happens when we are at ease. Like mindfulness and regulation, flow is not about calm or ease—it’s about fully engaging with what’s happening in the present moment.
In reality, flow is birthed from friction.
Flow is rarely found during periods of passive relaxation. It is much more likely to emerge during challenging, engaging moments—when something really matters, when there is a stretch, a deadline, and a sense of purpose. In these moments, the body and mind often begin to find a rhythm together— effort and attention syncing in a way that feels less forced and more alive. To be in the flow is to be fully here.
Flow does not mean “easy.” It means your internal resources are fully meeting the external challenge. It happens not despite stress, but because the nervous system is allowed to respond appropriately to what is happening rather than being shut down. Flow is what becomes possible when we stop trying to “relax” our way out of a challenge and instead let our system stay fully engaged with the environment around us.
When we find ourselves in a flow state, questions about “rightness” seem to disappear.
Our purpose, our meaning, or usefulness all feel clearer. Living in a complex and often traumatizing system can push us into apathy, frozenness, and other forms of checking out—or toward their inverse: certainty, aggression, and hardening. But what if through presence and regulation, we were to find moments when friction brought out the best in us?
When we can meet challenge with a regulated nervous system, we respond in ways that preserve our humanity.
No one can do this all of the time, and no one can do this for everyone—our world is bigger than our hearts can hold onto in any given moment—but mindfulness can guide us back into alignment when we have lost our way. Only in presence can we find our flow. And in flow we stay in relationship, in connection, offering up our unique gifts.
I recently discussed some of these concepts in this webinar.
A Practice for the Complex Moment
If you feel the world (or your body) becoming “too much,” try this sequence to check your “match”:
- Notice: “My body is reacting.” Ask: Is this a memory of the past, or a response to what is happening right now?
- Orient: Look around. What do you see or hear in your environment right now?
- Assess the Match: Does the environment allow for a pause, or does it require movement?
- Respect the Response: If you are unsafe, honor your body’s need to take protective action. If you are safe, allow your system to find a pocket of rest.
Staying with the World
In a complex system, we cannot “breathe our way out” of reality. Mindfulness, regulation, and flow do not remove grief, fear, or powerlessness. They do not make the world simpler, calmer, or easier.
They help us stay with it.
They support the nervous system so we can feel what is real without collapsing or hardening. AND they help us return when we have collapsed or hardened. They allow us to stay in relationship—with ourselves, with others, and with the part of the world that is actually within our reach.
This is exactly what a complex system requires—our presence and participation.
Whether your system is resting in safety or mobilizing for protection, it is doing its job. And a practice of mindfulness, to come back into regulation, will guide you to the next moment. Flow is found by letting your nervous system stay in relationship with the world as it is. It is in these moments—when the system is supported rather than overridden—that the next step on your path can begin to reveal itself.
If you’re curious about how this framework of complexity emerged and why so many of us feel disoriented right now, take a moment to read a related blog post, called Complicated or Complex: Making Sense of a World in Distress. It offers a powerful lens for naming the systems we are navigating.
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