Within each day, sometimes moment to moment, the wind changes. Blowing first this way, then that. Rushing straight across our path, or swirling around us. Sometimes it is so quiet we don’t even notice the air around us, other days it threatens to topple us. Whenever I stand outside, I am flooded with the reality of our natural world – as well as the metaphors and symbols within it. (Yes, sometimes in NL we DO use metaphors!)
The wind is a very real aspect of nature – we feel it viscerally as it presses on our bodies and requires us to find our literal footing. How do we stand in ever-changing winds? It’s practice, really. In our infancy it is tremendously difficult, but as we grow and develop, our core strengthens, our feet become more solid on the ground. We ground our feet, find our core, and hold our heads high. We are much more capable of withstanding the push, the pull, the swirling. And as we gain wisdom in our minds and bodies, we know how to prepare when the winds will be too strong, and we know how to soften and receive when the winds are gentle and caressing. It is an embodied experience; but the same is true on a symbolic level.
Within our lived days, particularly as helpers and healers, we find ourselves surrounded by ever changing winds. Ever changing pressures acting on us. People, animals, and situations pull us and push us and swirl around us. Asking, telling, demanding, pleading, negotiating…how do we find our footing in this complexity?
For me, secure footing comes from secure attachment.
A professional, and personal, challenge
When I first became a therapist, I said yes to everything. Every client, every time slot, every invitation, every conversation. I wanted all the experience and was terrified of failure, so I assumed doing everything would be the best way to succeed.
“Can I call you this evening, I really need to talk!?”
“Can’t you fit me in at the end of the day, I really need a session!”
“I know our time is up but just one more thing….”
“We just met but I really trust you and I want to tell you about my trauma from when I was 5 years old…”
I felt the pressure of being needed – the push, the pull, the swirling – and I gave in, over and over. I allowed myself to drift in the wind. And over time I started to resent my clients, resent the extra time and the extra conversations, I was tired and overwhelmed, and sometimes, dangerously, found myself way in over my head. It was a professional, ethical problem – but also a personal one. Of course what was showing up in my professional life was also showing up in my personal life.
The pressure of being a wife, of being a mother, a friend, a daughter…all that pushing and pulling. It is so easy to get swept up, swept away.
When we work in this field, we often encounter people at their most vulnerable, sometimes this means their behavior is not easy to engage with. I’ve had clients cry in my sessions, of course, but they’ve also yelled, and stormed out, demanded results, and pushed at my boundaries, pushed me away and then scrabbled to claw me back, questioned my competence, and insisted I had hurt them. Talk about changing winds!
My own secure attachment is a necessary ingredient for me to feel, and be, competent, capable, ethical, and honestly, sane, as I do this work of supporting others in their most vulnerable moments.
Why Secure Attachment?
We define secure attachment as essentially the same thing as brain integration. An integrated brain has developed optimally – with strong neural pathways within and between regions so everything works as it should and communication travels smoothly from one region to the next.
Secure attachment is an experience in which we were offered an optimal environment of protection, attunement, soothing, delight, and unconditional support. This optimal environment results in optimal brain development. They reflect (dare I say, mirror?!) each other.
When these two things are alive in us, we have the space for calm in relationships, for regulation. We find flexibility and fluidity. We find rhythm. Not only do we feel protected, seen, soothed, delighted in and supported, we are able to offer these experiences to others as well. This doesn’t mean we are perfect, it means we have the capacity.
This is how we find our footing in the stormy winds.
Secure attachment is about a stillness, deep within us, that exists no matter the chaos around us. No matter which way the wind blows, we can still hear ourselves. Secure attachment means we have a core self to come back to when we doubt, when we wonder, when we feel the pressure of outside influence.
Secure Attachment Requires Practice
Unfortunately, for many of us, this is a foreign concept. A fantasy perhaps. Or a goal that we feel we fall short of, routinely. We did not get to choose to be securely or insecurely attached – it is a thing that happened to us, out of our control. I feel a grief in my throat when I say this. No one is more or less deserving, no one is securely or insecurely attached based on merit. We were babies once, and that is when we did what we had to to survive, and our attachment patterns are the result.
The silver lining here is that we all have brilliant, changeable brains. Our bodies and brains have information to give us, and are ready to evolve. Secure attachment can be learned, and it must be practiced.
As I grow my secure attachment, my fluidity and flexibility in relationships grows, including the relationship I have with myself. I can hold boundaries with empathy, I can find creative solutions to dilemmas, I can sense when it is time to soften in and down, or when it is time to summon my strength and stand tall. I can bring my energy up and make a request, or exhale and drop into relaxation and rest, or hold myself in a balance of the two.
This isn’t just personal work, it is professional development as well.
Showing up for our clients in a body, mind, and soul that is regulated, connected, confident, flexible, authentic, and ready to give is no easy feat. This work asks so much of us.
Practicing in Community
This community of people offers themselves in the aid of others – day in and day out. I am in awe of the work you all do.
My hope for you is that you find your footing, you find your calm in the ever changing winds, in order to prevent burnout, improve your boundaries, inform your choices, support your sense of connection, and leave enough for yourself when the work is done.
Secure attachment may not have been something all of us received, but it is something every one of us can build. And in work as demanding and sacred as this, it is essential. When we intentionally practice secure attachment, we strengthen our capacity to remain grounded in the winds of our clients’ pain, complexity, and growth.
If you are ready to deepen your footing, expand your resilience, and show up for your clients with greater clarity, regulation, and authenticity, we invite you to step into this work with us. Don’t practice alone, join a community committed to growing together in The Practice of Secure Attachment.
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